Tokkok

Niamah!!!

2008-06-16T18:17:00.001+08:00

If you visit here and are wondering why this blog hasn't been updated for eons it's because the writings are now here.

Thank you for visiting.

What the **)(&(^#@&%(%_(@&#_):PLK)(U#)(@&!!!

2007-07-04T17:35:00.000+08:00

You probably noticed by now that I have done some irreparable damage to the format of both my blogs TOKKOK and Niamah!!!

I accepted blogspot's invitation to upgrade to a newer version or something like that. Click, click, click...and then half the stuff on my original blog format disappeared.

No more chat box on TOKKOK. No more counter. No more blog archives.
No more counter and archives on Niamah!!!

NIAMAH!!!

Half a day at the balai polis

2007-07-04T17:21:00.000+08:00

CEPAT? Not really la.

It's true! The staff at balai polis these days do provide service with a smile. I had a first hand experience this morning when I went to lodge a police report against a neighbour whom I believed was posing a great physical danger to my young children. Here is my account of my experience.

12 noon

I arrive at the Balai Polis Taman Melawati thinking that since I live in Ulu Klang that was the balai for me. I was told this by some lawyer who, when I remember his name, I shall go kick him in the nuts. When I walked through the door of the balai I was greeted by smiling officers, one corporal, one lance corporal and 2 constables who invited me to make myself comfortable while they attended to preceding report makers first. The office was air-conditioned although it still looked like a typical Malaysian government department mess.

Prior to my arrival at the balai i I had typed out my report at home and printed it out. I thought this would save some time for myself and some grief for the officer who would most probably be computer/keyboard challenged.

When my turn came I handed my printed account of the incident to the constable who immediately grimaced when he realised that it was in English. He took great pains to read what I had written in plain and very simple English. I know because he was reading my writing aloud one word at a time. After some 3 or 4 lines the corporal advised, "Bagi la Encik Patrick. Dia boleh type sendiri kan?" Okay. Sure. The P.C. (the one in uniform not the one on the desk) turned the monitor to face me and surrendered his keyboard. I proceeded to re-type what I had already done at home. They cannot accept that you see. They have to enter the report into their system. Scanning and all I presumed was a 'tak boleh'. When I was almost through typing the monitor screen blinked once and all my words disappeared from the screen into cyberspace. This caused the corporal to burst into raucous laughter. Though not aimed to make fun of me. He said that this kind of thing sometimes happens and instructed me to type the whole thing all over again. I did and finally managed to finish my report.

The P.C. took back control of his p.c. and proceeded with another attempt to read my report. He gave up halfway through the first paragraph and hit the print button. Printed two copies of the report and handed one to the lance corporal behind him who then went into another room and returned minutes later with a photostated copy and a receipt which she handed to me and politely requested, "Dua Ringgit." I paid and became increasing confused as to where the whole exercise was going to take me.

That was when the corporal, an older, slightly overweight jolly gent informed me that there is a balai that's closer to where I live. Oh really? Thanks. And by the way, that's where you should go next time you have something to report that happened in the area where you live because that's their jurisdiction.

What???!!! You mean I have to....Yes you have to go over there and do it all over again. Why? Because the I.O. (investigating officer is there ma) What the...!!! But okay la at least the flers at Balai Polis Tmn. Melawati were pleasant and parking was a breeze.

12.50 p.m.

I arrive at the balai polis in AU (which stands for Ampang Ulu Klang as I found out after 6 years of living in the area).

Big balai. New. Fresh paint. Air-con. Smiling officers at the reception desk. I was guided to the first floor where I met the I.O. a young inspector who was clearly not having the best of days. He had the flu and to make his day he was nursing a toothache too. Anyway, back to the story...

He invited me into his office. Took one look at the copy of my report and didn't even bother trying to read English and asked me to verbally explain to him what happened. I did and he listened intently. When I had finished. He was quiet for a moment and turned to his p.c. (the one on his desk not the one in uniform), stared at the monitor for a moment and then asked me to repeat what I had told him for the past 5 minutes! Sigh. I did. He typed. What I don't know.
Another 5 minutes of regurgitating the story later he turned to me and began to ask me a series of questions the answers to which were in what I had been telling him for the past 10 minutes! But I focussed on the smiling officers, the air-conditioning and the easy parking and how the current IGP has been trying to make a difference and did as he requested. As I spoke he poked at the keys of the p.c. and proceeded to type my narration into his computer. Unfortunately, the good inspector was one of those slothly one finger typists. 20 minutes later he was done. He asked if I had anything to add. I said no and he hit the print button. He gave me the printed statement and asked me to read it before signing it. That was when I discovered that he had left out a crucial part of my report. Oh.

He asked me what he had left out. I told him and he began typing again. Very slowly. After 10 minutes I impatiently asked him if he was typing the whole thing again or just my addendum. He replied the former. Huh???!!! Why la dei? System is like that. Once saved cannot alter. Must type new one. Okay. Another 20 minutes. All done. Print. Check. Everything there. Thank you.

Now, what happens ah, encik?

Errrr...now I will speak to my superior officer and then we will decide what to do about your complaint. What???!!!

As I was leaving his office the young inspector did offer a piece of advice. Move out from my apartment to avert any future dangers to my children and family. Well, thank you very much mister investigating officer inspector with the flu and toothache. You have a nice day too..

2.38 pm

I drove out of the free parking lot of the Balai Polis AU.

So after almost 3 hours I was nowhere close to resolving my problem. But the parking was easy and the rooms were cool. Thank you.

Enough of tokking kok

2007-06-13T15:22:00.000+08:00

Image courtesy of mob's crib

First of all, my sincere apologies to all the visitors to Tokkok who've been faithfully checking in but not finding any new posts since January 2007. Several reasons for this. Time is one. Inclination is another. The chat box seems to be doing well though. Thanks for the chat's, people. It is a good feeling to come here and see your chatbox comments.

Well, I have to announce that there will be no more Tokkok. For a while more anyway.

The time for tokking kok is over. The time has come to say Niamah!!! And DO something. Boycott racist banks. Call, email, write and vote out good-for-nothing members of parliament. Demand answers. Do not tolerate incompetence, mediocrity, bad government. Speak up for what is right. Exercise your vote in the elections. Speak up as Malaysians...

"I'M AS MAD AS HELL, AND I'M NOT GOING TO TAKE THIS ANYMORE!"
(from the MGM film Network)

"People should not be afraid of their governments. Governments should be afraid of their people."
(V for Vendetta)

For treament of Tokkok withdrawal symptoms click the links below:-

Niamah!!!
Rocky's Bru
Marina Mahathir
Jeff Ooi
Zorro Unmasked

All done in under 2 hours!!!

2007-01-23T16:47:00.000+08:00

(Wah! All done with friendly, efficient service in under 2 hours. Syabas! Jabatan Imigresen, Cawangan Wangsa Maju.)

Photo courtesy of TV Smith

Ladies and germs, I am in shock today. I’d had an experience in a government office, which I never thought was possible. My visit to the Jabatan Imigresen, Cawangan Wangsa Maju to renew my international passport was actually a no-fuss and stress-free and pleasurable experience.

When I set off with my friend, TV Smith this morning I was frankly quite skeptical. I had read in the news papers that since Pak Lah’s “lightning visit” to the Immigration Department last year things have improved by leaps and bounds and the department had actually become efficient and service-oriented. Of course, the past few days the department had also released statements about their new express services. Passports renewed within the hour and so on. Never mind. I was still skeptical.

TV Smith and I decided to go the new immigration office in Wangsa Maju that had been in the news for their fast, efficient service. TV had rung up the Immigration HQ in Putrajaya to ask for directions and was pleasantly surprised when the lady who answered the phone gave clear directions to the office in Wangsa Maju. So we set off for Wangsa Maju. We drove around for about 30 minutes and didn’t find anything resembling an office complex much less a spanking new Immigration Department branch. We stopped by the side of the road and called Putrajaya again. This time nobody picked up the phone. After several failed attempts TV called the office in Pusat Bandar Damansara. We were told that the office we were looking for is NOT in Wangsa Maju but in Setapak Jaya. This time the person gave us a block by block verbal map to Wisma Rampai in Setapak Jaya where the branch office is located. Thank you.

The week old office is situated in a decrepit building and appeared the only new and efficient looking operation there. Well, except for the Chinese aunty who operates the photocopying and photo taking shop next door. Upon entering the office we were assaulted by a blast of cool air which smelt clean and fresh. Being a well trained Malaysian I headed straight to the nombor giliran counter where I was faced with a surly looking man who obviously wasn’t interested in anything other than the approaching tea break. Upon learning the purpose of my visit he informed me that I had to fill in a form which he will give me in exchange for RM1 and get photo copies of my NRIC before he would give me a nombor giliran. I later deduced that he was surly only because he probably didn’t like my face. When approached by TV Smith he was smiling and even addressed TV as “bro”! Maybe I cut him off on Radio 4. Other than Mr. Sourpuss all the other counter staff I dealt with were very pleasant. And they all smiled sincerely and were eager to be of service. I got my nombor giliran, filled borang, paid the RM300 renewal fee and was told to come back in 2 hours. Huh? Wasn’t the claim that it could be done in an hour or less? The officer patiently informed me, smiling, that they will try their best and that most of the time it would be completed well within that time. It was just that they were ‘playing safe’ (their words). Okay. The time was 11.43 a.m.

We went to have something to eat at one of the many restaurants and eateries nearby. When we returned the clock in the Immigration office showed 1.05 p.m. I asked at the counter if my passport was ready for collection. It wasn’t. But they were still within the 2 hour limit. Finally, my number was called at 1.25 p.m. and I collected my renewed passport from a lady who identified herself as a Pegawai Imigresen Tinggi after TV asked what the prefix PIT on her name tag meant.

All done within 2 hours. And the air in the office was cool and fresh and they even have a room set aside for nursing mothers. Now when was the last time you experienced a customer friendly, service-oriented government department?

Up side

Fast and efficient service.
Cool, fresh and clean environment.
Friendly, efficient staff.
Comfortable seating.
Room for nursing mothers.
A conspicuous absence of the infamous A4 paper signs.
Lots of restaurants and eateries in the area catering to all races.

Down side

The office is called Jabatan Immigresen, Cawangan Wangsa Maju. But it is NOT in Wangsa Maju. It is in Setapak Jaya.
The office is located in a decrepit building.
The writing counters have no pens or pencils.
The building has an AutoPay parking system with only one machine which only accepts RM1 notes and 50 sen coins.

Another plus for Malaysians is that this Immigration office is flanked by a JPN office for identity cards and stuff.

As we were leaving I overheard one gentleman, “Lesen. Lesen mana?”
They don’t do driving licences there.

(Niamah!!! Moments from the visit to Jabatan Imigresen, Cawangan Wangsa Maju here.)

(The Jabatan Imigresen, Cawangan Wangsa Maju. Remember, it's not in Wangsa Maju. It's in Setapak Jaya.)

Photo courtesy of TV Smith

Happy New Year!!!

2006-12-28T18:30:00.000+08:00

(Adam and Laura wishing you a Happy New Year!)

Well, here goes…Happy New Year everybody. For the past few days I have been debating with myself if I will use the standard greeting for the start to 2007 and been tempted to drag out the lame old joke… “So what’s so happy about it?” But good manners dictate that I should not do that to otherwise more optimistic fellow-Malaysians. Personally I am not so ‘happy’ about the coming of the new year la. Because ah…think about it…what’s been happening in the last year that would qualify this as being a start to a ‘happy’ year? Nothing much, right? I mean rising prices don’t make me happy. Racial polarisation doesn’t make me happy. Political hams (and I don’t mean this in a haram sort of way, thank you) who play to the galleries with sharp-edged props and who are then allowed to continue to head our nation’s education system, positively make me very UN-happy. You?

But you know, as I sat watching the fireworks exploding in the surrounds of the distant Twin Towers and drank more haram stupor inducing alcohol I began to think that maybe things won’t be so bad in 2007.

Well, for one thing I think the Visit Malaysia Year 2007 campaign is going to be an overwhelmingly success. Forget about just being Truly Asia. We are UNIQUE man! There’s no other place on earth where you can find what you can discover and enjoy in Malaysia man!

Forget Las Vegas. Forget Monte Carlo. Forget about Singapore in 2010. Come to Malaysia in 2007 for the most exciting games of chance ever invented.

Your body, my body. The latest hit (pardon the pun) game for all the family. Kill yourself or get a friend to do it for you. Lay bets on who’s going to get your mortal remains. It could be a short game or a long drawn out one involving months of court action and possibly millions in winnings for either party.

Forget Blackjack. Forget Baccarrat. Play Illegal Mansions. Instead of chips, buy a piece of land in the world’s newest ‘developed state’ (side bets taken on your ability to decipher just what the fuck that means) build your dream castle without bothering with such trivial details as planning permission. See how long you can play before your mansion is demolished. If you escape demolition you win!!! It’s not as tough as it sounds. Try it. Even simple ex-flag wavers for the railroad have played and won.

Win instant national, regional and international recognition. Take part in the most popular game in Bolehland…Here’s My Foot In My Mouth Suggestion of the Month Game. It’s an easy game to play but hard to win and the odds are low. Well, unless you can come up with better ones than these past winners…

***Give awards to Muslim men who agree to take widowed or divorced women as 2nd or 3rd wives.

*** Women are responsible for crimes such as rape because they dress provocatively and bring trouble onto themselves. (Good one to put your money on because it is a perennial winner)

*** Wishing each other Merry Christmas, Happy Deepavalli (a Hindu festival) or Gong Xi Fa Cai will condemn you to an eternity in Hell.

Thrill Rides. Forget about Magic Mountain. Forget Disney World. Forget Bunjee Jumping. Come to Malaysia for the thrill rides of your life. What’s a triple or quadruple loops rollercoaster? Just get on a Malaysian highway for the thrills of your life. Guaranteed to give you more than just white knuckles. And you DO bet your life on it!

For a more relaxed gaming experience try You Want To See My Marriage Certificate? Sign up for a weekend retreat to one of Malaysia’s island resorts. Book into a 6-star hotel or better still go all the way and buy your own luxury condominium. Place bets on whether you will get visits from ‘authorities’ demanding to physically sight marriage certificates. You win if you convince the ‘house’ that you and your partner are a) married and can prove it. b) you are merely showing him/her your etchings and that there are a cat and 2 Indonesian maids and a Bangladeshi gardener in the same room at the time. Or c) you are a foreign investor testing out Malaysia’s human resources.

Come to Malaysia for the best laughs. Forget Leno, Letterman, Seinfeld. READ A MALAYSIAN NEWSPAPER! Or better still come during parliamentary season and watch some comedy masters at work for free. For seating and show times visit the Malaysian parliamentary website

And the Biggest Game of All. Small bets. BIG winnings.

Try to identify a Malaysian without resorting to color, race or religion. Or visits to the National Zoo. Hurry. Hurry. Hurry. The bets are on.

Malaysia Truly Asia? Nah. Why should we be just truly Asia? I mean man we’re UNIQUE! I for one am not going to be shy about stealing a line from Singapore. They’re not unique. We are. Uniquely Malaysia. Better still… ONLY IN MALAYSIA! Okay la so it’s not original. But so true what. Where else la dei?

Okay, got some more leh…wait ah. I go and pour myself another drin…Eh? Empty already? Baarger! 200 Ringgit don’t buy much whiskey these days man. Shit!

Happy New Year.

(This article first appeared in a very slightly different form in the January 2007 issue of Off The Edge)

Niamah!!!

2006-12-28T00:07:00.000+08:00

(Adam: NIAMAH!!!)

NIAMAH! My other blog dedicated to the little things in life in Bolehland.

NIAMAH! Say it out LOUD. It's therapeutic.

www.niamah.blogspot.com

MERRY CHRISTMAS AND HAPPY NEW YEAR

2006-12-24T12:43:00.000+08:00

MERRY CHRISTMAS FROM THE TEOH'S
PATRICK, MIN, LAURA AND ADAM

PEACE ON EARTH AND GOODWILL TO ALL

MERRY CHRISTMAS TO ALL MY FELLOW MALAYSIANS

MUSLIM
HINDU
BUDDHIST
TAOIST
ATHEIST
CHRISTIAN
TEA-POT FLERS
TURKEY-EATERS

SO ARREST ME!

MERRY CHRISTMAS EVERYONE
AND
A HAPPY NEW YEAR!

Merry Christmas Everyone?

2006-12-19T17:55:00.000+08:00

(Adam: Sigh. Please wake me up when it's over.)

I suppose that if our Malay friends and fellow citizens of Bolehland on the island of Penang celebrated Christmas they would indeed have a Jolly Christmas this year. Today’s NST carried the front page headline, “HOMES IN PRIME AREAS FOR PENANG MALAYS”. (Wow! Great sensational journalism by the NST flers. Keep it up and the NST’s circulation will overtake the tired old Star very soon.)

For those of you who have been asleep since 1957 here’s some background to that. Some months ago somebody up there in Pulau Pinang complained that the Gerakan led government wasn’t doing enough for the Malays on the island. Among the grouses was that the Malays could not afford to own homes in the prime housing areas of Penang. Of course any intelligent thinking person would have deduced that homes in prime areas cost more than others. That’s why they are called prime areas. And to buy them means that you have to work hard at something, succeed, make lots of money, then go buy the homes in the prime areas. But here in Bolehland that obviously isn’t the methodology. “Give me! I want!” seems to be enough to get the machinery chugging to grant the demands. Better than a magic wand if you ask me.

So how is it going to work for our friends in Penang? I read the NST story on page 16 but only after swallowing a Valium pill. Just in case, you know.

Second Finance, Minister Tan Sri Nor Mohd. Yakop announced that Pelabuhan Hartanah Bumiputera Berhad would purchase 3 parcels of land in “prime” areas to be developed into “affordable” housing and commercial lots for the Malays of Penang. The land was purchased from Island and Peninsula and TNB at what the minister terms “below the market price” (read whatever you want into that line and weep at why they didn’t do the same thing for the classic heritage Bok House in KL to save it from demolition) The minister also announced that the government was in the process of working out an innovative mechanism to ensure Bumiputeras, especially from the lower income group, would be able to buy the units. 2 questions here. Why would the lower income group want homes in ‘prime’ areas where everything else would be more expensive and where they would feel like second class residents among million Ringgit condominiums and bungalows with swimming pools? It’s like building low cost housing in Bangsar and Bukit Tunku. If you move lower income residents into a prime housing area wouldn’t that mean that the area would eventually become “non-prime”? Then how?

Hey there you are! You’re in a prime area now so what else you want? Isn’t this teaching the people to rely on handouts rather than to achieve and improve? You want to live in prime areas? Ok we give you la. Then you will always remain in the same shit state of mind so you will continue to vote for us. And…wait a minute! Ah maybe those politicians aren’t that stupid after all. Silly me! Hey listen I am 100% for the NEP and helping our deserving Bumiputera brethren but I don’t think this is the way to go man.

Towards the end of the NST article it was read that a trust was formed with RM2billion to ensure that real estate beyond the reach of the Malays could be purchased by way of a collective fund. Huh??? There’s probably some hidden wisdom for the good of our country behind this. But I’m sorry, folks. It escapes me. It just makes me really upset, as a citizen of this country to hear things like that. Real estate beyond the reach of the Malays to be purchased by a collective fund??? So how is that going to help in the development of a people? Sigh. That’s the way it is these days. Ask and you shall be given.

‘Tis the season to be jolly! But there isn’t really very much to be jolly about as we prepare to celebrate the season.

Samy Velu has already announced that our toll rates are among the lowest in the world. Of course he didn’t tell you that in countries that have higher toll charges you don’t have to pay the toll and then be confronted by blood vessel popping traffic jams right after you pay. And also, being Samy Velu, he told us that highway companies couldn’t recover their investments if there are no increases. Huh? Like the FUCK I care. It’s business isn’t it? You want the contract to build and operate highways you do your projections. And when your proposal is approved you’re on your own. Go shoot yourself and your board of directors if after a few years you realise that you’d made a mistake in your calculations.

Some other clown has said that our taxi fares are among the lowest in the region. Maybe true but the same clown didn’t say that we can only benefit from that if we can find a taxi driver who doesn’t ask, “pegi mana? Tak boleh ah. Jam la.” Or “Mahu pegi Ampang ah? 30 Ringgit” for a 5 Ringgit ride on the meter.

Another red-nosed entertainer has told us that water rates need to be increased because the privatised company trusted with providing us with H2O has suddenly realised that they had taken on too many debts that they cannot pay back. So? The government wants to privatise water supply. You want the job and bid for it. You get it. So get on with your job and your business. Ask your consumers to pay for your mistakes?

And our government is spending millions of our money to send some joker into space and have the opportunity to call him an astronaut when he is just a paying space tourist. Well one thing to be jolly about is that at least they have done away with the teh tarik stunt after providing the entire world with laughs for a while.

They are going to build a multi-million Ringgit sports complex in England to train our sportsmen and women when millions of other talented Malaysians still have to kick a soccer ball on gravelly lanes and beside longkangs.

And the list goes on and on and on.

A Merry Christmas everyone?

P/S Oh yes, and don't forget that the PM has now allegedly bought himself a yacht that cost RM30 million on a PM's salary of...what? RM30,000 a month?

A Merry, Merry Christmas Everybody!!!

Castles In The Air

2006-11-15T23:24:00.000+08:00

(Adam doing his impression of myopic Malaysian leaders.)

UPDATED. SEE BELOW.

Did you see the artist's impression of the soon-to-built new Istana Negara? It’s on the front page of The Star Tuesday 14 November, 2006

When I first saw it I thought I was looking at some Arabian stud farm. I don’t know why I thought Arabian stud farm but I did. Also it looks like it is set to be built in the middle of some arid wasteland to rival Putrajaya. If you look at the photo of the model you will notice the bare landscape but of course just like in all Malaysian architectural endeavors, in this model there are actually little shrub-like things that we are supposed to think of as trees and greenery.
Reminds me of a time when a Singaporean friend laughed at us Malaysians. “Wah, you flers very optimistic leh. You plant those pathetic twigs in the ground and pray that they will grow into real trees issit?” We do that don’t we? Cut the big old trees down. Plant little saplings and then water them with hope and neglect. Okay la these days they have somehow taken to planting palm trees instead. Don’t look good. Don’t provide shade. In other words, worth shit to nobody. Anyway, I am digressing. Back to the Istana Negara baru…

I have never been good at math. But this really confuses the hell out of me la. Okay, the 9th Malaysia Plan has been allocated RM200billion or something like that, right? And I read today that that amount has almost been spent! Okay, that money is for doing great stuff. Eradicating poverty, building schools, hospitals, infrastructure. You know, stuff that help to take us towards that Vision 2020 dream of becoming First World. And when you come to think of it that way, RM200billion ain’t a lot of money these days. Especially since our Ringgit is worth close to horse manure outside of Bolehland. So when I read that the government was planning to spend RM400million to build a new palace to house the Malaysian king, the Yang Dipertuan Agung, I was a little peeved. Wouldn’t you be? And the news of this latest Bolehland effort to throw more of the taxpayers money down the toilet came too close to the debacle of the Klang flers and their million Ringgit mansions.

The reason that the Klang fler gave for building his horrendous mansion was that he had to house a rather large family. 11 children and 11 grandchildren or something like that. Oh yes, he also said that he had included a surau in the mansion which he fully intended to let his neighbours, who were all living in less than shanty town conditions around his edifice, use 5 times a day for prayers. In this respect the Klang fler had more reason for his folly than the government for spending money on large buildings. Approved or otherwise. Why? Read the reasons given for wanting a new Istana Negara.

“We need a new palace with bigger space. Currently, the Balai Rong Seri of Istana Negara is also used as dining and meeting rooms. One room for multiple use is just inadequate”…Works Minister, Datuk Seri Samy Velu. Why???

The Balai Rong Seri is being used BOTH for meetings and dinners? Yay! Great. Maximise usage. Save money. I am sure that palace officials who are worth anything will know not to plan dinners and meetings at the same time. Actually, why not? Dinner meetings or meetings over food has been a Malaysian thing since Parameswara and his members sat under a tree chowing down and decided to make Melaka their home.

And unlike the Klang fler’s mansion I don’t think the neighbours are going to be allowed to take their evening stroll on the grounds of this place.

And in the photo of the launch which had the PM and the DPM present even the King appears to be telling old Samy that the place is too big.

“See? We cut it in half like this. Save some money for the rakyat, Samy.”

I wish it was really funny. But it isn’t.

What is happening to my country?

And why are clowns getting away with murder?

UPDATE Monday November 27, 2006

Just so the Malaysian rakyat do not feel left out of the goodies handout, good old Samy has just announced that toll rates for five highways will go up on Jan 1 next year. Why? The government can no longer afford to subsidise toll increases. Surprise! Surprise!

Maybe the money saved will be used to help those 1,555 schools in the rural and interior areas of the country that still do not have water and electricity.

I know. Sometimes I am an optimist.

People Power

2006-11-02T15:55:00.000+08:00

(Adam the method actor beefed up for his impression of a fat cat Malaysian local councillor.)
The most popular topic of conversation these days whenever I get together with my friends in pubs, mamak stalls, restaurants or just sitting around under a coconut tree tokking kok is the state of the nation. How we are being screwed by the politicians, the ineffective administration, the rising costs of living. All the usual things that Malaysians love to talk about so much la. And as usual all we do is pretty much just talk. Then we go back to our mundane lives and try to deal with all the problems we talked about. Until the next time things become too much to bear. Then we gather round the pubs, mamak stalls, restaurants or under the coconut trees and talk some more.

Then a few days ago I got to thinking about how maybe we Malaysians can do something about taking charge of our own lives and to effect change. Huh? Can meh? Sure can one. How?

(Just so you don’t lose track of things. I just said we can do but of course we won’t la.)

Remember back a few years ago, the people in the Philippines used something called People Power and overthrew their dictatorial administration that was headed by the husband of a shoe crazy woman? When that happened we all thought, “Wah! People Power really good man.” Happening la. Syabas people of the Philippines. People Power became the catch phrase for a long time. People can make change. People hold the power of their lives in their own hands. Those Philippines flers really did something great man.

Actually, People Power isn’t endemic to the Philippines. Never has been. We first practised People Power in the march towards gaining independence from the British. We all were passionate about Merdeka. We got together as one people we appointed a spokesman in the person of the Tunku and we won our independence. Without bloodshed.

Then we sat back and enjoyed the fruits of our first People Power success. But life became so good after that that we began to relax. A little too much.

And then we lost our sense of People Power altogether. We became dependent again. We were colonised again. This time by the people that we chose to govern us and to continue the work which we started using People Power. Life became so good that all we wanted to do was sit back, relax and enjoy.

“Okay la. You do it for me la. I pay (elect) you. You do it.”

Things came to such a state that eventually when things got bad again and we began to suffer a little bit of this and that we began to ask, “Eh! What happened? How can this be happening one?” Then, the people whom we had asked to ‘take care’ of things for us, things that we should have done ourselves, said, “Well, you gave us the mandate to do things for you what? So let us do la. You just sit under the coconut tree and enjoy lor.” We knew something was not right. We did not like it. But sadly, we realised that we had been sleeping under the coconut tree for so long that we had lost the ability to think, to do things for ourselves. So we replied, “Oh yeah hor. We elected you to do things for us hor? Okay, okay. Sorry ah.” And we went back to talking and grumbling in pubs, mamak stalls, restaurants or under coconut trees. Only this time we added to our tokkok sessions the phrase, “Hiyah! What to do?”, just before we ordered another jug of beer or glass of teh tarik. And we happily returned to our anesthetized state.

Fortunately, in recent times it has been proven that not ALL Malaysians have lost the ability to use People Power to make their lives better. I can almost hear you thinking, “Where got?” Got, I’m telling you. Think about it.

Those flers in the newly created city of Petaling Jaya flexed their People Power muscles and got things done to their satisfaction. They all felt strongly about something and got together as a single unit and affected changes that improved their lives. The fought, using People Power, illegal billboards excessive spending on city status celebrations, cutting down hills for highways.

And I really tabik those police flers. They knew the potency of People Power and used it. How? I am sure you have read all about the IPMC? Everybody say the police corrupt la. Inefficient la. Needs to be watched la. So some big fler said okay let’s set up this commission and that commission to whip the police flers into shape. So what did the police flers do? They were faced with something that would affect their lives in ways that they thought less than desirable. So they got together as one unit and used their People Power to effective say to all of us, “F**K you! We are not going to take this shit from you. So there.” And what did we (read you and me and the administration we elected) do? We were stunned. “Sorry ah, boss. Sorry. Sorry. Sorry.” Then we retreated back to the pubs, mamak stalls, restaurants and under the coconut trees and grumbled and tokked some more kok. “Wah! Those police flers damn terror la.”

Of course, there are some of you reading this who will say, “Hiyah they all police what. Sure can do la. You try and see they sure hantam you one.” Really?

Remember the taxi drivers in Penang? They used People Power also. The blaardy garmen asked them to use their fare meters. The taxi flers got together, used their People Power and told the authorities and all of us, “F**K you. Georgetown to Tanjung Tokong RM20. So there!” We were stunned. “Sorry ah, boss. Sorry. Sorry. Sorry.” Then we retreated back to the pubs, mamak stalls, restaurants and under the coconut trees and grumbled and tokked some more kok.

Once upon a time there was a kingdom of some sort up there in the sky. Those flers drank out of giant tea pots and sat under coconut trees a lot. But some people didn’t think much of it so they got together, exercised their People Power and burned the whole sky kingdom to the ground. We were stunned. But instead of using our People Power to right a wrong we chose to retreat to the pubs, mamak stalls, restaurants and under the coconut trees and grumbled and tok some more kok.

Coffee shops increase the price of a cuppa by 10 sen because the price of sugar increased by 10 sen a kilogram or a ton or whatever. They all got together and used People Power. We retreated back to the pubs, mamak stalls, restaurants and under the coconut trees and grumbled and tokked some more kok. And paid the 10 sen more.

Toll highway operators ask for and get to increase toll charges. They all got together and used People Power. We retreated back to the pubs, mamak stalls, restaurants and under the coconut trees and grumbled and tokked some more kok.

The government implements policies and projects that we do not like or want. They used the People Power that elected them into office to subjugate their flock of ‘sheep’. Okay la, ‘kambing’ as we’re in Malaysia. What do we do? I think you got the picture.

Just days ago I attended a public forum that was to discuss what Malaysians can do to set Pak Lah “free”. Meaning that Pak Lah is ineffective as Prime Minister because he is shackled by people or circumstances beyond his control and that we as citizens should do something to free him so that he can do the things he promised when we gave him the biggest mandate in history.

The panelists were high profile bloggers with readerships that surpass the newspapers and included the patriarch of an opposition party. (That the forum was organised by this opposition party should have told me to stay home.) The panelists/speakers did nothing to set anything free except that they freely expounded on their mostly new found fame on the Internet. One good thing did result at the end of the forum that night. During the question and answer session it was proven conclusively that most Malaysians are indeed well cushioned by the success that their forefathers won for them. It was all about… “Err…yes this is MY problem. What are YOU going to do about it? What can YOU do for ME?”

Shockingly, members of the panel proceeded to actually answer. Propagating the disease of apathy.

People Power. For good or evil. A most powerful force that most Malaysians continue to ignore. Why?

The Malays – Never mind la. Whatever happens the kerajaan, which will always be our majority what, will take care for us la. We are of the soil.

The Chinese – Never mind la. Can make money enough lor. My family in Perth la. Yours?

The Indians – You only go to see them when you are sick or need legal advice, right? Yes. THEY will do for YOU.

(The above article was first published in the November issue of Off The Edge)

Condolences

2006-10-07T12:17:00.000+08:00

After I published the last post I read in The Star's obituary page that my friend, Sunny is dead. Traffic accident. Another family has lost a husband and father. Sunny was 49 years old.

Rest In Peace, friend.

Let The Killing Begin

2006-10-07T12:10:00.000+08:00

(Adam. Ready to cruise for the coming festive holidays. 10 kph slower of course. Notice the maniacal grin?)

Deepavali. Hari Raya Aidil Fitri. Christmas. New Year. Chinese New Year. The annual culling season is about to begin. The body bags are laid out in readiness. The meat wagons are fuelled and ready to rush out to collect the carcasses off the slaughter house tarmac. Imams, priests and monks practise their funeral chants. Families prepare for the mourning which they know is inevitable.

The nation looks forward to the day when the culling practice will end. When the dumb, the reckless, the ill-maintained, the badly designed will be totally annihilated and the whole country will be populated by those who deserve to be alive.

Innocents will be culled along with the guilty. The nation will mourn them as martyrs. The statisticians will refer to them as collateral damage. They will be forgotten. The blood will fuel change.

Huh!!!??? Eh? Sorry, sorry, sorry. I was just reading the newspaper reports about the reduction of speed limit on federal and state roads for the coming festive season “balik kampung” rush. My mind suddenly wandered off into this grim idea for a fictional horror story.

Fictional horror story? Not really. It is very real. Each year the death toll on Malaysian roads continue to rise during the mad holidays rush. And each time the horrors occur statements are made. Politicians put on their sad faces and make speeches. Promises are made to make things better only to be forgotten with the next day’s headlines. Ops this or that will be launched. And yet the bodies continue to pile up the statistics.

So this year the major attempt at reducing this needless tragedy is to reduce the speed limit on federal and state roads by 10 kilometers per hour. From 90 kph to 80 kph. Pardon me if I don’t stand up and applaud. Actually, the whole thing is quite laughable.

Since he took over as the Inspector-General of Police I have admired Tan Sri Musa’s optimism. He’s got a big job ahead and he’s really gung ho about achieving what his predecessors have failed to do. He vowed a fight against corruption in the police force. He promised to weed out all the weak elements in the force. He said that police personnel who do not do their job will be punished. And no favoritism will be shown. After a while I tended to believe him or at least give the man the benefit of the doubt la. That is, until he made the suggestion to reduce the speed limit on federal and state roads in order to reduce the number of fatal road accidents during festive periods. Ah so.

Remember the day that big news came out? I am sure you do. First, the one-time people’s hero turned golf-playing Mr. Establishment, Lee Lam Thye came out and said it won’t work and might even cause more accidents because people might get bored with the slow speed and do more stupid things on the roads. Then the Prime Minister himself came out and said that it was a great idea, Of course after that everybody nodded their heads la. Ya, ya, ya, good idea.

But I am thinking. How is 10 kph slower for a couple of weeks going to make an iota of difference to the death toll?

How are you going to get to slow down, motorists who break every traffic rule in the book on a daily basis.

How are you going to get to slow down, motorists who got their driving licences simple because they’d learned to start the engine, put the car in gear and go forward and reverse. Okay la, some of them even learned to park.

How are you going to get to slow down, motorists who run red lights right in front of traffic policemen.

How are you going to get to slow down, motorists who use the left lane of a major expressway as their personal parking lane.

How are you going to get to slow down, motorists who think practising lane discipline using the turn indicators are things only 'pondans' do.

I could go on but I think you get the drift. These “authorities” continue to come up with their “brilliant” ideas. They’re either thinking we’re really stupid enough to believe what they say. Or they are sadists who get pleasure from pushing their tokkok in our faces.

Right. Make the announcement. 10 kph slower from this Thursday. YESSIR! All Malaysian motorists will obey the order.

Well, maybe they will. They will slow down from 140 kph to 130 kph. So there. Speed limit? Ya, ya, ya got. My souped up, giant chrome exhaust pipe-d kap cai/Kancil/Satria/Waja/Gen2 can reach speeds of 120/150/180/200/220 kph. But that’s it la. That’s the limit. Cannot go faster already.

Actually, when you think about it, for many, many years now the government has not been able to do anything about the appalling habits of Malaysian drivers. Except to churn out more and more bad drivers each year. And launching more Operasi this and that to keep us entertained or irritated. So don’t hold your breath. Nothing new is going to happen this year either.

Okay, enough of this. Go service and tune up your your weapons...I mean vehicles. The culling starts in two weeks. Enjoy.

A 3D Piece Of Cake

2006-10-05T22:35:00.000+08:00

(Adam. For once not doing anything in particular but just being cute.)

My wife, Min, recently decided to go into the cake-making business. Well sort of. It's still just a great hobby for her. And she IS having lots of fun. Couple of weeks ago she made a cake for a kid's birthday who'd wanted a Barbie doll cake. If the kid had said that to me I would have just stared and asked, "What the @#$* is a Barbie doll cake?" But Min, being the creative mom she is knew and came up with this...

Good eh? Almost everything in that 3D party scene is edible. You can't eat the Ken and Barbie dolls obviously. Unless you're a pervert.

On the table are a pizza, a jelly, cookies, hamburgers, ice cream cones and of course the birthday cake. All edible. The mini-ottomans they are sitting on are cake. The mini paper bags and gifts packages are also custom made and contain real presents. The candlelabra is made from chicken wire. Can't eat it but you can use it to pick your teeth after.

There's more stuff to see if you go to her blogsite...Mama Min

She's got a great tagline too...Happiness Is Homemade.

Am I putting in a plug for my wife? Sure. Can't think of anyone else I'd rather do it for. And the smell of cake baking sure beats the hell out of that haze shit.

Enjoy.

Don't worry. It's still okay to breathe.

2006-10-05T14:01:00.000+08:00

(Adam doing an impression of the state of the nation. Decaying. Ugly.)

I live in an apartment on top of a hill. From where I live I can get a panoramic view of almost the entire downtown Kuala Lumpur area with the Petronas Twin Towers as the majestic centrepiece. Well, that is on normal days la. This morning when I opened the windows I choked on my first breath of what would normally be fresh air. The air was acrid with the smell of burnt ash. Where the Twin Towers normally would be seen there was a thick white screen of what Malaysian's so casually refer to as "the haze". I could not see nothing but this greyish white blanket of pollution. It was as though I was standing on an elevated vantage point and looking down at a ocean of smog. I closed the window and went back inside to have my coffee and read the morning papers. Then I got even more upset.

There on page N4 of The Star was an air pollutant index map of Malaysia. I looked at it and saw that Kuala Lumpur was given a “Moderate” level reading. Moderate!!!??? It sure didn’t look that way from where I lived. If this was moderate I’d really hate to be around this place when the levels hit the dangerous or hazardous mark. But that’s what the ‘authorities’ are telling us. Shouldn’t we believe the ‘authorities’? After all, they were elected or appointed to take care of things. To take care of us. Given what’s been happening in the country the past few years I should say “No”.

How can I believe them when the memory of the reasons they gave for not publishing the air quality index a couple of years ago still haunts me. Remember? Back then during a particular bad dose of the haze some yang berhormat or other said that the government would no longer release daily reports of the air quality index. Why? It would scare the tourists!!!

They didn’t say it straight out but there must have been a call for us to be martyrs so that tourists can continue to enjoy Malaysia, Truly Asia. “Ask not what your country can do for you. Ask how you should die for your country.”

How can I believe them when they continue to make senseless statements from the safety of their air-conditioned, ionizer protected offices. I am holding my breath. Not only from the haze but also against the day when some bright Yang Berhormat will come out and give us advice to handle the haze. Remember back a couple of years when they told us of all sorts of creative ideas on how to deal with the bad haze then?

Drink more water. Sure if the water that came out of our pipes was actually drink-able without being processed by expensive filter systems which most Malaysians cannot afford.

Don’t go out in the open so often. Sure that is good advice if you’re one of those who are chauffeur-driven to work in an air-conditioned limousine. Not so good if your only mode of transport is your kap cai and you don’t have money to buy a full-faced helmet to go with it. Sure it is good advice if your home is totally cocooned and air-conditioned.

Use surgical masks. Good advice if you don’t have children who refuse to wear them or take them off the second you drop them off at school. Not so good if your children’s classrooms are open to the haze anyway. Even worse advice when supplies of masks run short because nobody prepared for the eventuality.

Eat more cucumber. Remember that one? Still sounds hilarious. Can somebody remember who made that call and what it was based on?

I am sure somebody will also revive the call to install water sprinklers on tall buildings to make artificial rain, which will wash away the haze. This is not such a bad idea because with the water quality that we have the only thing worth doing with it is pour it down the drain anyway. Some more, think of the millions that scheme will cost. Can make money one. Good for the economy ma.

The front page of The Star today carried a picture of tourists at the Kuala Lumpur Tower looking out at a haze obliterated view of KL and taking a photo of a photo of what the view should have been. Says one thing. Tourists, at least some of them, are stupid and Malaysians are very creative. Turn to page N4 again and read the headline story. “No haze in tourist spots”. Of course. We have to protect the all-important tourists. Tourism Malaysia’s Director-General says that the haze and pollution levels are not alarming in most of the tourist destinations. Well great for them but where I LIVE I think it is pretty damned alarming, thank you very much. Being a creative Malaysian he also used the “better than Ghana” rule. He said that it is not considered a problem in Tokyo if the Air Pollutant Index is between 80 and 100. Where I live the index today is 87. If Tokyo says that is not a problem let them have some of our haze. Let’s ship it over there like we do LPG or whatever crap we sell them these days.
Another thing I find very alarming is how we Malaysians have all come to accept the haze as an inevitable annual occurrence like the coming of the monsoon rains. We no longer think anything of it. Aiyah!…haze again la…cough… cough… Let’s go for nasi lemak at that open air mamak stall next to the highway. I heard that the mix of haze and carbon monoxide gives a real high la.

The haze has been our scourge for many years now. And each time it comes around we say that it comes from forest fires burning in a neighbouring country (we don’t mention names because we are polite people). Our elected reps go out to the media and make statements to inform us of how many “hot spots” there are in that neighbouring country, how open burning is still banned in our country (but what they never say is what steps, and how successful they are, they have taken to stop open burning). Bottom line. Nothing definite is ever achieved. But on the other hand…

Some senile politician from another neighbouring country makes some dumb-ass statement about Malaysian Chinese being marginalised and the whole Putrajaya goes ape shit. Apologies are demanded. The Prime Minister writes a stern letter of admonishment. The Foreign Minister calls for blood. The aging Youth flers probably waved some menacing keris-es around.

Hello, if it’s not happening and we are confident and comfortable in the development of our own country’s politics why should we be so hot and bothered by the utterings of an old man. We sure as hell don’t think much of these things when that old man is one of ours. We don’t even give him press space. So there.

But this haze is killing our people slowly but surely. Shouldn’t we send some Putrajaya missiles over there? Enough of this “pak” and “ibu” courtesies already. But then…

On the way to the office this morning I was driving behind this little kap cai with a couple and a kid sandwiched between them. Mom and dad and their little cute toddler. Mom and dad had on helmets and full visor which probably protected them from the haze a little too. But the little girl was happily unprotected. Gasping in lungfuls of shit with every inquisitive smile. Then a huge concrete mixer truck passed them belching thick diesel smoke to add to the air pollutant index statistics.

Ahhhh…Malaysia, truly…a third world country with first world fantasies. Malaysia…my homeland…cough…cough. Sigh.

Malaysia, Truly Asia. Just don't drink the water and don't breathe the air.

Oh, by the way, in the last post I captioned Adam's photograph with the line "I love my country but fear my government." I don't think it is so funny anymore. Do you?

I LOVE MY COUNTRY BUT…

2006-09-13T17:24:00.000+08:00

(Adam: Sigh. I LOVE MY COUNTRY. BUT FEAR MY GOVERNMENT.)
I took my family out to the Zoo Negara; our National Zoo, which it isn’t at all but that, is another story. It was a Sunday and it was crowded. Malaysians all out to enjoy a day out with friends and family at one of the cheapest and most enjoyable public facilities in the city of Kuala Lumpur. And what a fine example of Malaysia was there at the Zoo that Sunday. At the ticket lines there were Malaysians of all races queuing in an orderly manner. Smiling. Friendly. Happy. Being a Sunday there were busloads of school children with their chaperoning teachers and parents. All dressed in their crisp, colorful school uniforms. From the expectant looks on their faces and their barely conceal-able enthusiasm I deduced that they were out-of-towners on a visit to the capital city. When we were lining up to enter the turnstiles we were joined by other equally enthused Malaysians. Inside the zoo we walked in the company of tudung clad school children. Indian Malaysians clad in sarees in all the vibrant colors of the rainbow. Whole Chinese communities chattering away in almost all the dialects of the Chinese language. It was like a reenactment of the Tower of Babel but with a healthy dose of friendly diversity. When we stopped for a picnic lunch. We had sandwiches and sausages and salads next to a table where a Malay family was enjoying their picnic lunch of curries and nasi and ayam goreng and petai. When we rode the zoo tram a tudung-ed Malay lady and her little boy offered my 6-year-old daughter, Laura a chocolate cookie which she accepted with a polite “Terima kasih” and a smile of friendship. Totally unprompted. When we left the zoo for home I had this warm, gushy feeling. It’s good being Malaysian and living in this multi-racial, multi-cultural paradise. Sigh. We are SO lucky.

This feeling of almost euphoria lasted for almost an hour. We got home. Showered. Looked at the photos we took at the zoo. The smiles. The colors. The togetherness.

I sat down to read the Sunday newspapers. Then…POOF! Reality kicked in.

There on page 2 of The New Sunday Times the headline, “Najib wants Koh to prove he is CM for all races”. Apparently, the Penang Chief Minister had been criticized for allegedly not doing enough for the Malays. Our Deputy Prime Minister in an apparently display of true Malaysian spirit had come out and openly played a racist card by making the call to a Chief Minister of a state! Strangely enough nobody seems to have identified exactly what “not doing enough” for a particular community means. The message that comes across is just that a Chinese chief minister isn’t doing enough for the Malays in his state. Phwa! Sure goes a long way in promoting racial harmony and tolerance, right? If someone had actually come forward and said that this kampung needed a school or a hospital or a new road or a new bridge or clean running water or something and that the state government should look into it right away and make sure that what is planned is carried out – GREAT! Get it done. But no. It’s always Malays, Chinese, Indians lain-lain. It is always the politicians sowing seeds of misunderstanding, distrust. It is never a case of “Hey we are all in the same coalition government. We try our best to do what is best for ALL Malaysians.” Instead it is the same song and dance. We are fighting for the Malays. You are favoring Chinese. Indians.

Tell us la. What is the problem? In detail. And if it is true that a community is being treated unfairly all the electorate, Malays, Chinese, Indians and lain lain will make sure the CM or whoever is responsible answer for it.

But to me what is actually happening just sounds like “Hey, we are politicians and we are fighting for ourselves to stay in power so that we can milk this country for what it’s worth.” Keranamu Malaysia? KeranaKU, Malaysia seems more appropriate.

I know. Maybe I am just being naive. But I think that on the ground or what is popularly referred to as grass root levels Malaysians are a happy lot. Sharing. Caring. Able to discuss and resolve issues peacefully among themselves. Add keris-waving, shoe leather-loving politicians into the mix…Malays, Chinese, Indians, Lain-lain.

Sigh.

On the same page of The New Sunday Times just above the DPM story is a quote by our Prime Minister which, depending on how you want to take it, provides a ray of hope or is just another pile of bovine manure.

“Keep your promises to people, PM tells reps.” Pak Lah was ordering assemblymen to be committed in serving the people. A commitment which surely must include preserving racial and cultural harmony, right?

Funnily, this order from the PM was read out by his deputy! And in the presence of the Chief Minister of Penang!

But then, these days we rarely take utterances by our Pak Lah seriously anymore. Or do we?

Happy Birthday, Malaysia. My country. My home.

2006-08-30T15:05:00.000+08:00

(Adam: Malaysia is my country. My home. I'll not let anyone F**K it up.)

In a few hours my country celebrates its 49th birthday. 49 years since we were rid of the shackles of the colonial masters. 49 years since we became a nation. 49 years of trying unsuccessfully to be ONE people.

Throughout the peninsula and over in Sabah and Sarawak millions of once-a-year patriots will be waving Jalur Gemilang’s and shouting MERDEKA!!! on cue. In stadiums, on the streets, in pubs, by the beach. Millions more will be at home in front of the TV. Contributing their few seconds of annual patriotism. Before they switch channels back to the EPL or some reality show calculated to instill such great values in our Malaysian lives as envy, greed, pipe dreams and overnight success without passion or effort. There will be much party-ing and celebrations. The reasons for celebrating? Nobody really knows except that it is August 31 and it is our Independence Day and it’s a day off work. For most Malaysians I daresay it will be just another holiday with the chance to look at some fireworks if one happens to live near enough to where they are being fired.

Tomorrow will be a different story. It will be back to the mundane routine. Of trying to earn a living while trying to avoid being run down by mad drivers, enduring badly maintained public transport, coping with rising costs with static salaries. Of wishing for better things. Of having absolutely no options. Wondering what has happened to the last 49 years of hopes and aspirations.

For some it will be a return to debates about the really IMPORTANT things in life. Luxury cars and who are entitled to buy how many at what price. How to cut down more trees and build more houses and then how to refute all allegations of wrong doing when lives are lost in landslides and collapsed homes.

For others it will be back to arguing about scenic bridges and sand deals. How many bullets national service trainees expand in the novel idea of shooting guns as part of service to the nation.

Long after the smoke from fireworks has blown over to a neighbouring country to choke their lungs for a change. And the celebratory litter has been cleared from the streets, proud Malaysian flags will be left to rot and tear in the ever-choking smog of indifference. Until next August 31.

Hopefully, there will be some Malaysians who will spend the day quietly reflecting on the times when ALL of us were just Malaysians without the distinctions of race or creed. Living, working and being ONE people in an independent nation with tremendous potential to become a happy, prosperous country of diversity.

Hopefully, there will be many Malaysians who will make a stand and not allow their homeland to deteriorate into a slum of polarised disintegration. Malaysians who will say “Enough!” to political double-speak and make personal commitments to work hard towards efforts to really achieve true nationhood. Malaysians who will stay and fight for real independence, harmony and solidarity. Malaysians who will finally understand the oft-misinterpreted slogan KERANAMU MALAYSIA. That Malaysia is NOT Pak Lah. Or Najib Razak. Or any of the circus of politicians with facial hair that jostle to get their mugs included with that slogan.

Malaysia is you and me. Our families. Our neighbours. Our communities. Malaysia is US!

KERANAMU MALAYSIA. MALAYSIA, THAT I LOVE.

HAPPY BIRTHDAY, MY MALAYSIA, MY HOME.

MALAYSIA BOLEH? BOLEH!

2006-07-23T00:31:00.000+08:00

(Adam: Malaysia Boleh? Boleh, boleh, boleh. Jom! Kita makan dulu.)

While in conversation with a friend the other day I had an epiphany. Of sorts. For years we have been so proud of a slogan we borrowed from a chocolate milk drink.

Malaysia Boleh!

Using it to tell ourselves what a wonderful nation we are. We can do anything. Malaysia Boleh means Malaysia Can Do It.

Can Malaysia do it? Malaysia Boleh? Of course. We CAN do anything. The relevant question we should have asked ourselves before shouting that slogan is whether or not we WANT to. Sadly, the answer is NO!

Rightly, we should shout to the world and more importantly to ourselves WE WILL DO IT! But no.

Malaysia Boleh. Malaysia Can Do It. We have shouted it from our rooftops. From the world stage. We have taken it to the top of the world and across the oceans of the planet. It didn’t matter if getting to the top of the world is a feat that is achieved almost every month of the year by almost anyone who cared to try including paraplegics. It didn’t matter that we tax payers had to spend millions of Ringgit to salvage the Malaysia Boleh effort to literally drag someone’s boat half way round the world just so we can say we did it. We also drag out the slogan whenever a Malaysian, it doesn’t matter if he or she has not lived in the country nor could care less about Malaysia, makes some headlines anywhere in the world.

For years I’ve wondered why we are so happy to shout “Malaysia Boleh” at every opportunity. I still don’t understand. We’re still in the shit hole. We have been voted the 3rd rudest country in the world. Our universities are at the bottom of the poll list. We are no longer better than Ghana in a lot of things. See? They made it to the World Cup while our football is still the stuff jokes are made of.

Why? Why? Why?

Why? Malaysia Boleh merely means Malaysia CAN do it. Sure we can do it. We can do anything that we put our minds to. If we work hard. If we persevere. If we are passionate about wanting to achieve great things. If we are all those things then surely Malaysia WILL do it.

But we’re quite happy to remain just above the shitty level in achievements and to wallow in our mediocrity. Thank you very much.

Malaysia Boleh!

Post script. Somebody just told me that there is no word for “WILL” and “WANT” in our National Language. True ah?

Relek ah Brudder.

2006-07-22T23:52:00.000+08:00

(Adam: Eh relek la brudder. What's your problem?)

We Malaysians are such a relaxed people. Nothing ever seems to faze us. Much. The word emergency does not seem to exist in our vocabulary or it is a word that conjures up a totally different reaction from any other people in the world. Emergency ah? Wait ah. Minum dulu ya?

Saturday 21 July, 2006. Bukit Antarabangsa. City of Ampang in the recently declared developed state of Selangor.

Around 2 o’clock in the afternoon Bukit Antarabangsa was assailed by hurricane force winds. A fairly common occurrence in the area. As expected this caused a fair amount of tree damage. Along Jalan Wangsa 1 leading up the hill to the housing area are decades old pine trees which are rotted and probably termite infested. With winds of that force I expected some of the trees to lose branches and maybe even be totally felled. At 3.15 p.m. I drove along Jalan Wangsa 1 and sure enough there I saw debris strewn along the whole stretch of road. Big branches broken off. And smaller twigs blown off by the winds littered the road right down to Jalan Ulu Klang. About 1 km below. Halfway down one of the trees had lost a huge branch which lay across the road one end on one side of the road and the other precariously hanging from a fork in the tree trunk on the other side. Traffic had to navigate across the opposing lane and under this heavy branch. Dangerous situation, no? A passing car could be badly damaged. An unsuspecting motorcyclist could be killed if the tree fell on him. An emergency situation surely.

I called 911. A lady answered. I told her the about the situation. She listened patiently, asked for my name which she insisted on pronouncing as “At trick”, and then said that she was going to connect me to the Ampang Fire Department. Less than 30 seconds later a man answered identifying himself as Balai Bomba Ampang. I explained the whole situation again. His tone of voice when he reacted to my story told me that he was a little less than interested. He then asked for my phone number and my name which when I told him he insisted on pronouncing as “At Trick”. I shall never again think of my given name as common.

Bomba: Okay la. I will call and inform the Ampang Jaya Municipal Council.

Me: Call the MPAJ? But this is an emergency. The tree could fall and kill somebody.

Bomba: Ya? Oh you mean the tree is hanging across the road ah?

Me: Yes.

Bomba: Okay la we call MPAJ and see how.

Me: But this is an emergency and you are an emergency service, right?

Bomba: Ya la. But we call first. If MPAJ knows about it then we don’t have to come out la. But if they are not there then we will come out.

Me: (Resigned) Okay la. Terima kasih.

Come out? We’re talking about taking a leisurely stroll are we? But that’s the way Bolehland works. No problem, beb.

This incident reminded me sadly of what happened when my father died in a private hospital in Ipoh. My father was terminally ill in the Intensive Care Unit of this private hospital well-known among Ipoh folks for being very expensive. (I should have known then that in Bolehland high prices do not buy you high quality services.)
When I saw that my father was having great difficulty breathing I went to the ICU nurse’s station and asked if there was anything that she could do to make him feel more comfortable. She never looked up from the file she was working on and casually asked if I wanted her to call his personal doctor? When I offered that she should have a look at him and decide professionally if he needed the doctor’s assistance her reply shocked me into a stunned silence.

“We only call for the hospital doctor when it is an emergency.”

“What???!!! My father could be dying. If that is not an emergency what do you term an emergency?”

“When the patient stops breathing”, was her nonchalant reply.

Of course less than 10 minutes later my father’s breathing stopped. Then all hell broke loose. Pandemonium. Bells and sirens actually went off in the ICU! At a volume loud enough to have caused several more fatalities in that Intensive Care Unit of that very expensive private hospital in Ipoh.

My father died that night as a result of our radically different interpretation of an emergency.

At the apartment where we live the fire and smoke alarms have gone off on numerous occasions. Each time my family and I are the only ones who have left our unit, walked down the emergency stairs to the ground to await resolution of whatever caused the alarms to go off. Others stayed home. Watching football on TV, having their dinner or simply shrugging their shoulders.

Emergency? Jangan risau (worry) beb. Kita call dulu (we call first) then we come out.

SUMOLAH!

2006-07-08T22:09:00.000+08:00

(Adam in SUMO mode.)

My sincere apologies for not updating the blog for so long. I have been busy working on Afdlin Shauki's new film, SUMOLAH!

Please go and visit the SUMOLAH ! blogsite.

You can take part in a contest to win cell phones OR a walk-on role in the movie with Afdlin Shauki, Gurmit Singh a.k.a. Phua Chu Kang and Thailand's Inthira Charoenpura (of Nang Nak fame) OR a free trip with the cast when they film in Fukuoka, Japan.

Or you can just go visit and see photos of the shoot, the locations, the stars. Or just kay-poh with what's happening on SUMOLAH!

ENJOY!!!

The Malaysian Disease

2006-07-02T12:58:00.000+08:00

(Adam: "Ya what?")

I hosted an event at the Kuala Lumpur Hilton hotel in Sentral. As part of the deal I was accorded the use of a day-use room at this spanking new, 5 (or some claim 6) star rated luxury hotel. It's a HILTON! Those of you who have been there before will know that just to get up to the driveway requires your submission to a security check. Okay la so the check is done by a couple of tired-looking, bored boys in police uniform and equipped with a mirror on a stick. Oh yes, there is the mandatory flashlight as well. Of course, everything about the hotel is top quality. The uniforms are crisp. The finish on everything is expensive. The rooms are luxuriously furnished.

From big screen plasma TV...
to silky smooth sheets and fluffy pillows. Okay la, so I'd messed up the bed a bit before I took the photo.
The bathroom is excellent. Separate bath and shower stall and toilet. Top of the range toiletries. Thick, soft towels. Bathrobes in batik cotton.
Personal office space...
Personal mini bar and refreshment centre...

But..........obviously, someone forgot about the minor details of maintenance. This was the condition of the electric iron plug. For a Hilton hotel this is surely unforgiveable...

Also as part of the deal my manager and I were each entitled to a RM50++ meal voucher. As I mentioned earlier, most of everything in this Hilton hotel was top quality. Visuals of Mat Salleh Hilton managers drilling and grilling the staff about quality crossed my mind. Then we were handed our meal vouchers...

They were slightly larger than postage stamps. They looked like they were hurriedly printed from the sales secretary's computer and cut with a pair of blunt scissors from...TA DA!!!...the infamous A4 sized paper!

So what's the point of this rant?

Is doing business in Malaysia or just being a Malaysian similiar to being infected by a deadly disease? Does our infamous apathetic attitudes infect everything and every person who comes in contact with us?

To add to this theory of infectious Malaysian-isms, I recently visited a sales office in the ultra efficient Singapore. But because the business was Malaysian...

Me: "Good morning may I..."
Them: "Ya what?"
Me: "I wish to find out if I may change (details deliberatedly left out)"
Them: "Cannot..."

...and so it went on. It made me feel right at home.

Think about it.

Malaysian Slogans

2006-06-28T19:47:00.000+08:00

(Adam practising for a possible career in slogan writing for the Kerajaan.)

Through the years since Independence we have been bombarded with loads of government slogans. Most of them have been crap and have achieved nothing more than taking up space. Slogans are by definition a word or phrase used to express a characteristic position or stand or a goal to be achieved. In typical Malaysian style the creators of Malaysian slogans have done little except provide a good laugh for the readers. Sometimes.

Since I started a list of Malaysian slogans in the comments section of the Stay Home blog a number of comment-ers have sent in their 'contributions'. I thought that it would provide a good giggle so instead of leaving them in the comments section which some visitors to the blog might miss I have decided to list them here. Contributors in (...). The list will be updated as and when new slogans are remembered and/or received. Enjoy...

(For the sake of some of our foreign visitors who may also want to understand and learn from our Malaysian slogans, can someone translate the BM into English? Thank you. I've done some that I can. Please excuse my less than SPM BM, okay?)

1. Visit Malaysia. It's Like You Never Left Home (I can't blame this on anyone cos it's my own:-)
2. Malaysia. Truly Asia.
3. Bersih. Cekap. Amanah.
4. Berkhidmat Untuk Negara - Service For The Country
5. Keranamu Malaysia - Because of you Malaysia
(Patrick)
6. Cinta IT,Sayang IT (anonymous) - Love I.T.
7. Sekolahku, Rumahku...(manny) - Your School, Your Home
8. Malaysia Boleh!!! (can't believe you guys forgot this one..lol) (manny) - Malaysia Can Do It!
9. Budi bahasa budaya kita (ummi) - Courtesy Is Our Culture
10. Efisyen Efektif (and two other E's that I've seen on a Khir Toyo billboard, can't remember though) (unladen swallow) - Efficient. Effective.
11. (removed)
12. Cemerlang, Gemilang, Terbilang (Ummi)
13. Negara bersih, rakyat sihat (Ummi) - Clean Country. Healthy Citizens.
14. Satu Lagi Projek Dari Kerajaan Barisan Nasional (bongkerz) Another Project By The Barisan Nasional Government.
15. Belia Benci Dadah (Deb) - Youth Hate Drugs
16. Bahasa jiwa bangsa. (actually, this is one of the few good ones) (Adrienne) (Thank you, symposium for pointing out that silly spelling mistake...Bangsar!)
17. Tak Nak! (Anonymous) - Don't Want
18. Saya anti rasuah (Nazir) I Am Against Corruption
19. Bersatu kita teguh, bercerai kita roboh (Deb)
20. Undi BN, Undi Pembangunan (bongkerz) Vote BN, Vote Development.
21. Majulah sukan untuk Negara (Deb)
22. Pandu cermat jiwa selamat (Deb)
23. Pandu dengan cermat. ingatlah orang tersayang (TG Sheril)
24. Jauhi diri anda dari dadah... (echo...dadah... dadah... dadah...) (Keropok)
25. Mesra, Cepat, Betul (Mesra? Okay lah, to be fair to the men in blue, sometimes when you talk to them nicely, they can be very helpful and friendly. Syabas!

Cepat? Ever tried calling them about a robbery? They will only arrive at the scene 2-3 hours after the robbers have looted everything clean!

Betul? I agree with this one... They are always RIGHT! Don't argue with them, they are always right! No matter how wrong they are, don't "cari gaduh", just shut up... ) (Dean Arif)
26. Kepimpinan melalui teladan (Anonymous)

Stay Home

2006-06-22T21:52:00.000+08:00

(Laura practising her harem girl dance steps.)

When I visit U.K. I try to experience the English lifestyle. Warm beer, pub grub. I also try to see as much of the cultural and historical sites I can. Buckingham Palace, the Changing of the Guards, Stonehenge, the moors etc. etc. When I get the chance to visit the USA I will also want to try the American way of life. "Have a nice day", real beef burgers, giant milkshakes, popcorn by the ton etc. etc. In either place, the last thing I want to do is go look for nasi lemak or teh tarik or dim sum or any of the other things that I can get at home at a fraction of the price.

Well, apparently the Arabs are a little different from me when they travel. Or so it would appear looking at some of our efforts to attract more Middle Eastern tourists. Right in the heart of KL's Bukit Bintang area is Arab Square, a little square of land which used to be a children's playground for the residents in the area. It has been transformed into a piece of little Arabia.

Ain Arabia (meaning ‘source of water’) has a gazebo, park benches, feature wall, kiosks and pedestrian and street lights. It features works by Uzbek carvers and Syrian painters, a welcome archway AND an Arabian teapot-water fountain as a welcome symbol ...

(didn't someone say tea pots were really bad things when they raided that Sky Kingdom commune?)

The ex-member of the Yemen Parliament, Dr. Saadaldeen Talib even said that, "It’s very relaxing for both mind and soul and makes an ideal meeting place for the Arabs," says Saadaldeen who was among guests at the recent official launching ceremony by Deputy Prime Minister Datuk Seri Najib Abdul Razak.

Tourism Minister, Datuk Seri Tengku Adnan Tengku Mansor said that with these and other efforts at Arab-ising "...we foresee a good increase of tourists from those regions..."

In efforts to further woo Middle East tourists to Malaysia, Adnan said a designated area called "Ain Arabia", or the Arab street, located inBukit Bintang, Kuala Lumpur, was introduced to showcase various Middle Eastern restaurants and shops.

So instead of building on the history and the color and the cultures that are inherrent in the Bukit Bintang area we are on an all out effort to create something alien and totally out of place. Sound familiar?

We are told that pre-9/11 the Middle Eastern flers loved to visit Europe and the USA. Do you think that the Europeans and the Americans tried to change their cities or their cultures to tap the Middle Eastern tourists $$$? Of course not. They knew that tourists come to experience the American or European lifestyle. And if they, the Arabs, couldn't do that they wouldn't go, would they?

I am told that according to ministry figures Singaporeans make up the largest group of visitors (8.79 million) to Bolehland. So how come we don't set up shops selling Bak Chor Mee and other uniquely Singaporean delicacies? How come we don't dedicate a section of the city to them? Let's say, Jalan Alor. Managed with typical Singaporean efficiency? With all the eating stalls housed in ultra-clean hawker centres with clean toilets. The Thais make up the second largest group, 1.73 million. So, let's build lots of big, golden Buddhist temples somewhere.

Sigh. I guess Bukit Bintang is going to undergo a transformation whether we like it or not. Wait...I've got a slogan for the Tourism Ministry's marketing efforts in the Middle East...

VISIT MALAYSIA!!!
IT'S LIKE YOU NEVER LEFT HOME.

It's Such A Joke!

2006-06-22T21:21:00.000+08:00

(Adam cringing at some of the things people say.)

On page N29 of The Star today there was a really laughable quote from our ex-P.M. The old Tun is the chairman of the Perdana Leadership Foundation which organised the Perdana Global Peace Forum yesterday. During a special session titled Action Plan For The Global Network For Peace he said that the media in the United States that propagated freedom of press was in fact controlled by five media moguls. He said the media there did not report the true picture of what took place in Iraq or Afghanistan. He added that journalists were subordinates in a controlled media. Because of this, he said, the local media should not depend on the foreign wire services for news reports on other parts of the world.

Really? So the media in the USA is controlled by 5 moguls. What about the media here in Malaysia? The last time I looked it sure looked like most of the Malaysian media is controlled by organisations linked directly or indirectly to the ruling parties in the coalition. Is that better? Will that ensure press freedom? And if the local media do not depend on foreign wire services who should they turn to? Bernama? Journalists subordinates in a controlled media? Sure is not the case here. Or is it?

Funny story isn't it?

EMIGRATION?

2006-06-15T15:34:00.000+08:00

(Adam: Wake me for food only.)

Some days when I wake up in the morning and I think…

1. Nationwide increase of fuel prices
2. Nationwide increase in electricity rates
3. Perak to increase water rates by 15% from July (I expect it will be nationwide eventually.)
4. Landslides kill innocent people.
5. Authorities lay the blame for landslides on God.
6. Authorities insist that they are powerless to stop unsafe hillside developments.
7. Unsafe developments continue.
8. Malaysians continue to buy unsafe, substandard housing.
9. Nationwide sugar shortage.
10. Formaldehyde in fish.
11. Bird flu.
12. Liars in Parliament.
13. Kids dying in national service (that statement is so tragic).
14. Hollywood-style shootouts on the streets.
15. Ulamas offering to destroy racial harmony, cultural understanding, community acceptance. And replacing brotherhood with “Tolerance”.
16. Et cetera…et cetera…et cetera…

…………emigrate?

Then I think…

1. The food is great.
2. The weather is not severe.
3. No natural disasters. Well…close one eye la.
4. Lots of public holidays and shopping malls.
5. Cheap DVD’s.
6. It’s better than Ghana
7. Errrrr……errrrrr……errrrrr…….

………..I think I will go back to bed. Goodnight.

CHANGE OF LIFESTYLE. AGAIN???!!!

2006-06-15T15:15:00.000+08:00

(Adam: One last ice lolly before changing lifestyle.)

Last night I was surfing the tv channels trying to avoid the World Cup when I tuned into the closing seconds of a news story with our Deputy Prime Minister. Can’t remember the exact words but the DPM was expounding something or other on the current sugar shortage. Apparently, smuggling was one of the causes of the shortage and Najib said that if it smuggling persists the government will have to raise the price of sugar. (Oh-oh. Guess what is going up in price next.)

He said that the rakyat would not be happy about that. OR…he suggested…we can choose to take less sugar. In other words, change your lifestyle!

Thank you, Mr. Deputy Prime Minister, SIR!

Tell us la how you are going to solve the problem and we will willingly pitch in to help as responsible citizens. Take less sugar, squeal on smugglers, whatever it takes la. Just don’t talk to us like we’re small children la. Can or not? Hiyoh! Like that also don’t know.

Okay lah. Just to piss you readers off some more here is a photo of the DPM and his ma cai's supposedly having a BN management meeting. and I presume that one of the things they discussed was the sugar shortage and how Malaysians should cut down consumption of sugar. Sure looks like a lot of the sweet stuff on that table.........(Photo copied from NST Thursday15 June, 2006)

And another thing...the table appears more cluttered with food than meeting notes. And the way they are dressed and all the food on the table doesn't give me the impression that they had done or plan to do a lot of 'meeting' or work. Is it just me? Come on.

Smells Fishy

2006-06-15T12:25:00.000+08:00

(Adam: You sure or not???)

I looked past the glassy eye of the dead kembong fish to the piece of the New Straits Times it was lying on. Pak Lah’s photo. Now, say what you like the guy has a great photo image. The Prime Minister la not the dead fish. Can’t tell the difference issit? Ya, Pak Lah is photogenic, the most so of all our PM’s I’d say. Great, “sincere” smile. Makes you want to look at him. Makes you want to see/read/hear/listen to what he has to say. But of course when you do he doesn’t really say anything worth shit la. But that’s a different story.

Last Tuesday’s NST front page screamed “Answers: Government to explain to the people”. Cool, I thought. Finally we’re going to get to the bottom of things. The real story. The Expose.

Turned out I was just hallucinating because my morning coffee had No sugar and too much caffeine. On the left of Pak Lah’s photo the story revealed that the government was going to kill off allegations made by the ex-PM. Good. But it goes on to say that these explanations may or may not be a tell-all read. Huh? How can explanations NOT tell all. Tell half ah? And then?

Wait, there’s more laughs coming. Apparently, our dear PM with the great smile told the MP’s and senators that “he did not want anyone hurt in the process”. And it went on to say that several of the MP’s took that to mean that the PM did not want Dr. Mahathir’s image dented. My initial reaction to reading that bit was, “What the F***K???!!!” Did not want anyone hurt? Did not want an image dented? Hello! The lights are on but is anyone home? As a simple, tax-paying, law-abiding citizen of Bolehland I could care less about dented images and hurt feelings. All I want is the truth and justice to be done. Is that too much to ask? And while we’re at it what about our very dented image as the laughing stock of the global stage? Maybe some attention should be paid to repairing that since we’re so concerned about images.

Okay la, that part of Tuesday’s NST front page irritated me but the last paragraph of the front page story really pissed me off la.

“Datuk Mohd. Said Yusof (Jasin) said: “At no point did he lose his cool and or start accusing anyone. He said the Government must show Malaysians that we are transparent.”

Remember this Datuk? Yup, he’s the ‘close one eye’ fler. He’s still there. He is now telling you and I about being transparent! I almost choked on my sugar-LESS coffee.

What happened to his case? Does anyone know? Does anyone remember? Does anyone care? I guess not.

I used Pah Lah’s page to consign the dead kembong to its icy crypt.

Then I read the wrappings for the vegetables.

And I am glad I did because on page 4 of last Tuesday’s NST there is a photo of that “one-eyed” MP from Jasin. This time with this laughable quote on the Mahathir/Pak Lah battle…

“All the MP’s are happy with Pak Lah. We offered to explain to the rakyat because if Pak Lah did it, he would be accused of being biased”

Yeah right! And when YOU do it we might think you’re LYING?

Is it just me or is it the general feeling of distrust and scepticism whenever we hear or read of utterances by our politicians? I mean, there used to be this kind of trust:…oh is it ah? Okay lor. I accept your explanation. But these days…no la.

Recently, there were reports that the fish sold in our markets contained formaldehyde (the stuff they inject into corpses to keep them ‘fresh’. Sorry. Couldn’t resist that.). What???!!! You mean I am embalming myself each time I eat ikan bakar? Chicken got bird flu. Meat is not good for health. And now fish also got problem. Eat what next ah?

But don’t worry …Deputy Health Minister Datuk Dr. Abdul Latiff Ahmad assures us that the formaldehyde level in our fish is at a “permissable level”. I want to believe him but…somehow I can’t la. Not 100% anyway. Sure got something or other not told to us. So that no images will be dented or feelings hurt ma. Get it? And some more don’t have photos of YB’s sitting at a table tucking into plates of fried fish. Sounds fishy.

Excuse me while I transfer Pah Lah and the kembong out of the freezer and into the garbage.

It's His fault. He did it. Again.

2006-06-04T12:58:00.000+08:00

(Careful guys. HE's watching your every move.)

Photo of the Eye of God copied from Snopes.com

If I was God I'd be damned pissed off at Malaysian officials. They have blamed a lot of things on the Almighty. Cracked highways. Floods. Landslides. Even for the all forgiving, all compassionate big Guy in the sky I am sure there must be a limit.

When the killer landslides in Ulu Klang happened I was waiting for the inevitable to be uttered. Well, to their credit they did manage to spend the first couple of days just pointing fingers and passing the buck. But yesterday it happened. And this time it was the Ampang Municipal Council president, Datuk Ahmad Safii Saidin who was given the task of passing the ultimate buck.

"...it is all in God's hands. God creates everything and if disaster strikes then it is God's will..."

Listen to what you said, YB. Sure God created everything. So if you fuck around with what he created He will kick your ass. And He did. And do you think that He will take kindly to the loss of those lives He created that were snuffed out by your inadequacies? I don't think so. Those will be on your account and guess where that reckoning is going to take place? What will you say then?

But...Surprise! Surprise! I never knew it would happen but it did.

In today's New Straits Times, the original "...it's an act of God..." fler, Samy laid this latest one on ... human failure! Samy's learned his lesson? Or maybe God told him in a dream or vision, "Oi! Samy! Enough already. Or else..." Maybe the cracks in all those highways were his final warnings.

But the cynic in me has this niggling feeling that those cracks may be just indications that after blaming God for so long, Samy may have made a pact with the other guy whose name is always spelt in uppercase. Repairing those cracks is a multi-million Ringgit business you know. Hmmmm...

Not so funny leh.

2006-06-02T15:40:00.000+08:00

In response to my blog about the rising prices of utilities like electricity and petrol a reader make a comment in jest (I think) that it won't be long before we get charged for breathing the air. I smiled when I read it. But today in the NST there is this advertisement which wiped the smile off my face for a minute. Has it started? Are they now showing us how to make clean air? Just like they so subtly got us buying and using water filters when clean water is a tax payer's right? Don't laugh. It might just happen. What? You think air is free ah?

The Circus Is In Town...send in the clowns

2006-06-02T15:23:00.000+08:00

(Laura doing her impression of a Malaysian local councillor in full regalia)

Friday June 02, 2006: I am still reeling in disbelief after reading today's newspapers, The Star and The New Straits Times reports on the killer Ulu Klang landslides. There were excuses flying around, fingers pointing in all directions, bucks being passed. All accompanied by what the NST called "Another round of rhetoric, recriminations, accusations and stern warnings." But even without having to read too closely or between the lines we all realised that nothing good is going to come out of this circus performance. Nobody is taking responsibility. Nobody is making plans to stop this from happening again. And both our Big minister and his ultimate boss, Pak Lah (quite frankly, I am beginning to not want to address him as Pak anything anymore) have not learned the difference between giving warnings and using the extent of the law to protect lives and property. In page 7 of NST, this Prime Minister of ours continues to "hope", suggest, advise. I think he should kick some sorry asses and use the big stick. This pussy footing is killing innocent people.

Well, the story did report that he has directed the Public Works Department to carry out regular inspections of hillslopes and riverbanks. This is tragic because I seem to have heard this line before. Many times. The more people die, the more regular inspections are carried out. What happens after those inspections nobody knows and more will be carried out to commensurate with the body count at the next disaster.

Read this quote from the NST..."I hope the PWD will immediately start conducting regular inspections, especially during the rainy season. If this is done, appropriate follow-up action can be taken to strengthen the affected areas."

Anything wrong? Yes. 2 things.

First it is only the PM's "hope". And we all know how those having been going south recently.

Second, the follow-up actions hoped for somehow never happen. Ask any of the victims of all the landslides. Oh, sorry they can't answer you cos they're dead.

Elsewhere in the NST it is revealed that the Ampang Jaya Municipal Council had been warned about the unstable areas that are prone to landslides. But this finding was not made public because some quarters feared that it would cause a drop in property prices!!! And so the land did slide and with it all property prices around the area. So what's the nett result? Some innocent people died. But that's okay. We got more.

In the same story, the accused developer denied any responsibility. I almost cried when I read this quote from the CEO of the company. "We were not required to build the retaining wall in our original layout plan which was approved by the authorities but decided to do so out of goodwill upon a request from the authorities." You know that the area is not safe. You continue to build and sell properties there. And a safety feature to you is just a good will gesture to satisfy some 'authorities'???

The CEO goes on to point the finger at another development which she claims is the cause for the land becoming unstable. Okay, so the other guy did it. But isn't it your corporate and human responsibility to stop work and stop selling once you made that discovery and also start actions to report and or rectify the situation?

But one 'good' thing did happen in today's NST. The Big minister obviously got his P.R. people to do the right thing. The NST published a photo of him in his "upset" mode. Yesterday, he was fuming. Remember? But the photo of him in profile didn't really give the rakyat the proper impression. And so today...

"I'm UPSET. You hear?"
Actually, looking at his teeth he might have made a fairly decent dentist. Pity.

More excrement from the big guy

2006-06-01T16:55:00.000+08:00

(The Big Minister: See I told you baargers already. Now how?)

Photo copied from laman web Menteri Besar Selangor

There was another landslide in the Ulu Klang area yesterday. This time the landslide killed 4 innocent people.

I live in the Ulu Klang area.

I am very sad for the families of the victims (and I shall slap the next person who tells me that it's lucky it is only an Indonesian squatter area).

But more than sad I am ANGRY.

I am angry that such a thing could have happened again in an area that has already experienced 4 other fatal landslides since 1993. I am angry because like all the other times the politicians come out and visit the area, they put on the requisite sad and concerned looks. And they make statements. And then all will be forgotten until the next landslide.

Since I moved into the Ulu Klang area about 5 years ago I have seen hills being cleared, housing built and being built on precariously steep hill slopes. Since the 1993 Highland Towers tragedy there has been much talk about scrutinising developements on hillslopes etc. and how the authorities are going to be more careful in their approval of such projects. Talk, talk, talk...then more people die and talk some more. So 4 more landslides have occurred since 1993 and more people have lost their lives. Watch out for more talk and pronouncements from our elected representatives.

And then be prepared to die. From landslides caused by irresponsible development, drinking the tap water or just simply from working yourself to death to pay for the higher priced petrol and electricity cos nothing is going to happen make anything better.

In The Star today, the Big minister of our developed state was reported as "fuming". Meaning
that he is very, very, very angry la, that this has happened. He "...put the blame squarely on
greedy developers, contractors and consultants and ordered the proper authorities to review
projects situated in high gradient areas..."

So there. But this next quote is a killer one la.

"...I am fed up with the developers' attitude. In this case <...> the stage government's technical team foresaw the problem and had recommended the developer take mitigation measures to prevent a landslide. But they did not heed the call, and I am coming down hard on the developer of this project. I will make sure future projects involving high gradient areas are scrutinised with a fine tooth comb."

Just from that one paragraph alone, I as a member of the tax paying rakyat have a lot of questions I demand answers to.

Fuming? If he had any conscience or an ounce of honour he would resign. Sure the developers are to be blamed for cutting the hillside. But who gave them the approval for the project in the first place? It is a high gradient project in an area where there has been 4 other fatal landslides. So why were more developments allowed?

The government's technical team had foreseen the problem???!!! If they had foreseen the
problem why the f**k did they still allow it? Measures to prevent landslides? If such things were 100% possible the big Man upstairs would go out of business.

And the developers "did not heed the call"??? What the f**k does that mean? So what were
you doing about it? You mean they told you and your people to go f**k yourself and you let them? How many had to close one eye to allow that to happen?

So now you say that you are going to scrutinise all future projects involving high gradient areas.
So after the 5 landslides and the tragic loss of lives you are still planning to approve projects in
Ulu Klang which you yourself admit is a landslide prone area? I don't get your logic.

One more thing. So those people died and the Big minister made all the right noises at the
site. But I hope that as he drove out of there he also noticed all the other "projects" that are
being carved out of the Ulu Klang hills. Doesn't need his technical team to foresee shit. Just
drive along Jalan Ulu Klang. Anybody can see that there are scores of landslides waiting to
happen.

Wait...wait...wait...with one eye closed how to see, Patrick. Shit!

postscript: This MB guys is so full of crap that if he doesn't release some on us from time to time he'd explode...read this bit from the state website (which they copied from The Star)...

Retaining wall failed, says MB
Posted on Thursday, June 01 @ 15:19:22 MYT

KUALA LUMPUR: The landslide, which flattened the longhouses, was caused by the failure of a

retaining wall built by the developer of a nearby project, Selangor Mentri Besar Datuk Seri Dr

Mohd Khir Toyo said.

He said the retaining wall was only completed a week ago.

“Maybe it was a faulty design by the developer's consultants,” he said at the scene last night.

Dr Khir said the 54ha development was a distance away from the houses that were buried in the landslide.

However, he said the state government ordered the retaining wall to be built because it had reason to believe that the building works would cause the soil to become loose.

He added that the land where the longhouses were located was given to Malaysians but they

were rented out to Indonesians.

Dr Khir said the retaining wall was 100m long and 0.6m high.

“This incident should not have happened at all. I am very disappointed with the irresponsible

attitude of the consultant and contractor,” he said.

He hoped that the relevant authorities would take the necessary action against them.

the star online

I have red-lined the bits I think are shitty and stupid coming from anyone who is the Big minister of a developed state. You want to play also? Get a red marker pen.

I am not being very funny today as I write this. I find nothing to be funny about. Strange.

Change your lifestyle

2006-05-30T10:52:00.000+08:00

(Adam: Look papa, prices going up again!)

It is beginning to look like an unstoppable juggernaut that is going to crush the life out of everybody. The Star yesterday reported that Perak is going to affect a 15% increase in water rates. Of course, there's the mandatory 'it will not affect the lower income group' disclaimer attached to the announcement. And that usually translates to "if you ration your water consumption to 2 cups a day you'll be fine". And if it's Perak this time we can bet it won't be long before everybody also kena one.

Water rates going up means everything else follows, right? Even more so than petrol and electricity rate hikes. Think about it. Your teh tarik is going to cost more even if you drink it sitting under a coconut tree and tokking kok with your friends by the light of the moon. Those Ipoh flers won't be able to enjoy their Ipoh chicken with taugay at old prices even if the shop owner switched off all the lights and fans and used a wood fire to cook his chicken and beansprouts (which need a lot of water to grow). And don't even think of asking, "Boss, glass of cold water, boss" from the coffee shop/mamak stall owner and expect to get it free or at a nominal 10 or 20 sen.

If this water rates increase spreads to other states (I say 'IF' and not 'WHEN" to make you feel a little better for a little while la) beer drinkers will cry also. Main ingredient in beer? Water. Oh yes, teetotallers please learn to drink warm cola's at your favorite burger joints. Ice? You got to be kidding.

And then ah...if pay more for water and the H2O you get is clean and drinkable, it would be easier to bear. But pay more for tap water and then still have to buy filters and bottle water for drinking. Eh brudder, that's a bit too much la.

And that's another thing that we Malaysians have stomach-ed much too easily. Those flers have been very sneaky la. Just think about it. How long ago was it that we have potable water from our taps? When did they start getting you into the practice of buying and using expensive water filters in your home?

Did they make any noise about us having to pay for and NOT get clean water?

No, right? Why?

But they sure made a lot of noise about a musical documentary about some old geezer named Chin. They sure spent a lot of time debating scenic bridges. They even suggested the 'noble' offer to satisfy the sexual needs of single and divorced women.

On another note, the DPM's call for us to change our lifestyle recently didn't really worry me too much. Until yesterday.

I was at the supermarket buying milk for my kids. As I walked out of the store I noticed these 2 flers who'd set up a stall selling durians. You know the ones. They open the durians and pack the seeds for you in shrink wrap and polystyrene trays. I am no fan of the King of Fruits but out of curiousity I went over and checked it out. I pointed at a pack containing just 3 seeds of a durian. "How much, boss?"

RM10.00!!!

I admit that I have not bought a durian for years but I don't ever remember durians costing that kind of money. Okay so they also take the fun out of opening the thorny baargers and pack it for you. But RM10 for 3 seeds???!!! Not so long ago I remember my friend Donald's durian stall in SS2 Petaling Jaya offering ALL you can eat for RM10! A friend told me that if I wanted those packed durians I should wait until the supermarket's closing time. They will sell them cheap then cos they can't keep them overnight. Is that true? Another friend told me that changing lifestyles doesn't mean everybody changes down. That durian seller sure must be changing his lifestyle upwards selling at those prices. Hahahaha... I'm not laughing.

So you think I am being naive and unrealistic? No. I mean I am not so naive as to believe that prices will always stay the same. Sure prices of goods and services will go up. It's an inevitable fact of life. But we continue to get the same shit but pay higher and higher prices. Mana boleh beb?

What he tokking now???

2006-05-27T13:17:00.000+08:00

(Laura's impression of 2-faced politicians.)

Read this excerpt from The Star Wednesday 24 May, 2006...

Asked to comment on a statement that CEOs of Government-Linked Companies should resign if their companies failed to meet their Key Performance Index, Abdullah said the resignation or removal of a CEO should not be seen as a failure to perform.

“Sometimes, I will need to move a CEO out because I need him or her to lead another GLC,” he added.

The question was...should they resign if their companies fail to meet their Key Performance Index? So should they?

So what is the answer???

Oh never mind. Tsk...tsk...tsk.

Nothing funny also...

2006-05-27T11:32:00.000+08:00

(Laura practising her impression of a parliamentary comedian.)

Very strange leh. There is actually nothing funny or laughable in The Star today except in the comic strips. Hmmm...maybe it is the weekend and the local jokers are taking it easy for the next few days. I reckon some of them are checking out the latest plasma or LCT television sets to save on electricity.

But seriously folks, here's something hilarious.

As we all know, there has been all this hoo-hah recently about Amir Mohd's film "Lelaki Komunis Terakhir". First approved with "U" certificate. Then banned by Home Ministry. Then debated in parliament. Then special (read FREE) screening for all the YB's. All that happened because of? Chin Peng. The communist fler from last time. Why all the fuss? It was because people who'd never seen a single frame of the movie say that the subject matter will offend Malaysians who lived through the Emergency or who were victims of those communist bad guys or that the film glorifies Communism and Chin Peng. Ya ya ya...

A fellow blogger commented...""...A huge fuss made over Chin Peng and the deaths he caused during the Emergency but now Emperor Akihito is going to visit Perak and NO ONE says a word about Japanese War Crimes culpability - as the representative of an unrepentant and unapologetic nation which caused so many deaths to loyal Malayans and Brits in the Second World War, why isn't HE banned from entering the country?..."

Pak Lah has invited the Emperor of the Land of The Rising Sun to come visit. Yeah la. Why nobody make any noise about this? Wait, wait, wait...did we just hear something coming from the comedians in the funny house with the big M sign over the driveway? "Ooops! We f**ked up. Again. There goes our weekend. Sigh. Okay la. Got to go prepare some statement or other to ban la. Shit!"

I went to check the archives of The Star. Here's the reason why nobody has protested this intended visit..." “We also noted that being close neighbours, relations between us must benefit both sides,” Abdullah said."

Ah, relations must benefit both sides. I see. The movie got benefit who? Yeah la. Ban, ban, ban.

Nation-wide Insanity?

2006-05-26T14:17:00.000+08:00

(Adam: Wake me when this nightmare is over.)

I opened the paper (The Star) today and when I got to page N12 I almost fell off my chair from shock and horror. There it was...

“ACA plans unit to produce dramas”.

What the F**K!!! The Anti Corruption Agency is now an entertainment production company as well??? Apparently, the ACA is planning to produce advertising materials and docu-dramas based on cases that it has investigated. What were they thinking when they decided on this course of action? Are they really that free to do this? Is there really nothing they can investigate? Are they proving to us all that they are indeed puppets dancing on a string? Maybe it’s those requests from M.P.’s to close one eye that’s driven the ACA out of its original business and into the entertainment arena. But seriously folks…ACA producing advertising? ACA producing TV dramas? And the ACA is doing these things in collaboration with a private company? Hmmm…who is going to investigate the ACA here?

If you read the newspaper story about this insanity yourself you will discover that the ACA is merely announcing this to the public today. Sorry la we don’t need your opinion on our decision to become the next cartoon network. Our first production is going to air on RTM1 next Monday already. At the ‘prime’ hour of 2 p.m.!!!

So they’d been planning to do this shit as a public funded agency for quite some time then. Cases that obviously need lots of ACA investigation time are popping up almost on a daily basis and these guys are playing at being television producers?

And in typical Bolehland tradition they also announced in the same newspaper story, “…a working paper on job positions has already been presented to the Public Services Department…”. A working paper on job positions??? What the F**K is that???

Did that sound like it meant “Hmmm…let’s see who gets to wear an eye patch, knee-high boots and play director? Who will get the fat cigar and fancy car and play producer? Best of all, who will get the casting couch moved into his office?”

Has this country gone insane?

No, no…it’s just some dumb morons we got elected or appointed into the system. Whew! Just felt a chill down my spine.

And now…be afraid…be very afraid. On page N27 there is evidence that the Jasin fellow might have started another Bolehland trait. That of thumbing your nose at all and sundry.

A Penang municipal councillor was stripped of his post because he was declared a bankrupt. Now this man has come out and said that his bankrupt status was merely “a technical error”. He added that the High Court has reinstated his stay of execution pending an appeal to set aside the bankruptcy order. This man also claimed that he had “…no reason to resign from any post…” He also claimed that “The stay of execution meant instant clearance…” Meaning that he is innocent of all charges.

But you don’t need to be a lawyer or even a distinction in English 101 to think that a ‘stay of execution’, in plain simple English, means that you have been found GUILTY. And they are not hanging you yet because there may be some other stuff coming up that MAYBE will prove that you are not guilty. But for the time being you ARE guilty. Get it?

But getting back to my point…what’s happened to shame and humility and accountability in this country?

I would imagine that being a people’s rep, this bloke would have said, “Look I’m sorry people. This is all a misunderstanding. I will go clear it all up and inform you accordingly because you have a right to know. In the meantime, I shall step down so as not to cause any further confusion.”

But no. What’s he done, like that Jasin fler, is say to everyone, “So what?”

“I see no reason to resign from any post.”

I wonder if this guy is going to get to meet BOTH the Prime Minister and the Deputy Prime Minister over this one. The Jasin guy did. And according to the newspaper reports and his apparent high spirits after his meeting with the Cabinet panel set up to investigate his alleged wrongdoing he must have been given a slap on the wrist and told to take off his eye patch and open both eyes next time before opening his mouth.

Okay, this new Bolehland trait I mentioned above comes along with a sound and a gesture. Want to learn? You need a mirror to practise.

Here’s what you do…

Turn down both corners of your mouth.
Flare your nostrils as big as they will go.
Glare at the person in front of you.
Now lift one corner of your mouth in a snarl.
Look the other person straight in the eye and say, “So what?”

Too difficult? Then go here and practise saying…Niamah!!!

Here we go AGAIN!!!

2006-05-25T13:28:00.000+08:00

(Laura: "Hope I can finish my homework before the candle burns out.")

The price of electricity is going up in a couple of weeks. By an AVERAGE of 12%! So please don't think that it is ONLY 12% okay? As with every announcement of this nature it is accompanied by great comedy in the newspapers and from the mouths of our elected representatives although we have not yet been told to change our lifestyle again. Not yet la.

Wait...wait...wait...actually got already.

The front page of The Sun today..."the more you use, the more you pay."

Translation: Change your lifestyle la.

Wait, there’s more. On page 4 of the NST today the Energy, Water and Communications Minister was quoted as saying, “….low-income consumers won’t be affected.” Great news? Not really.

What is means is, “If you are quite happy to remain in that shit hole you will not be affected by the new tariffs.”

With so much comedy in the news today I had to buy all 3 English language papers, The Sun, The Star and The New Straits Times today. Didn't want to miss out.

The editor of The Star today ought to audition as a comedian I think. The headline today read, "Watts Up!". Very punny. Hahahahaha...can die laughing with the ceiling fan on la. I

It is reported in all the papers I bought that TNB's rates increase is not going to affect about 60% of Malaysian households whose monthly electricity bill is below RM43.60! Yippee!

But wait a minute...how is it not going to affect these people when prices of everything else will go up too? Eventually.

The LRT runs on electricity, right? Food in markets and supermarkets have to be kept fresh with refrigeration and that takes electricity, right? Cinemas, which is one of the few forms of entertainment that the same 60% of the population can enjoy on a day out with the family, uses electricity, right? Are we going to be given an assurance that prices of everything else, that Malaysians need to live with a quality of life that is even slightly worthy of a country that we are constantly told is better than Ghana, is not going to increase proportionately? Yes, I know. In a few days time there will come the usual warnings by this Yang Berhormat’s and that Yang Berbahagia’s to traders and manufacturers that they should not increase prices unreasonably so as not to burden the rakyat. Blah...blah...blah. Press conferences will be organised. Heads will nod in agreement with the YB's pronouncements. And then..."Errr...When do we announce the price increase of our goods and services ah?"

TNB took out a double-paged advertorial in all 3 English language newspapers today to explain the tariffs increase and to advise consumers on methods to reduce consumption. Use low energy light bulbs they say. Because they consume less electricity. Oh thank you for that revelation. Do these guys even know how much those low energy bulbs cost?

And this is my favorite of their ‘suggestions’. Set air-conditioners to between 25 and 26 degrees Celsius. Surely they are sticking their tongues out at us when they say that. Have they ever sat or worked in an enclosed room where the temperature is 26 degrees Celsius? Might as well tell us to shut off the air-con and go sit next to a fire.

Oh yes. I don’t know if this is tragic or side splittingly funny. TNB is going to realise RM1.5 billion in revenue with this price hike. But TNB plans to spend RM40 billion in the next 5 years to upgrade and improve their electricity supply system. So where is the rest of the billions going to come from? No prizes for making the right guess. Maybe somebody (Pah Lah should do this since he seems to have the ability to make so much sense out of totally senseless stuff around here) should answer this question. Why and how did a company like TNB who have been in operation for decades get itself into this shitty situation? With its long history shouldn’t it have developed and improved enough to keep up with demand in the 21st century? Or was somebody sleeping on the job?

Which reminds me…every time I have seen TNB people at work it happens like this…one guy is sitting in the TNB truck smoking a cigarette. One guy is up on a ladder doing something apparently useful. And 4 other guys are standing at the foot of the ladder looking around. Small thing? Sure it is. But maybe that contributes to why you and I are paying more for power today. Bottom of ladder stand-abouts don’t come cheap I am told.

And then as if to make us even more pissed off YB Lim Keng Yaik then says that TNB must improve its service. You mean their service has been not up to mark? That might mean that we are paying for their mistakes, right? So, why should we?

The YB also said that TNB must commit to a service level agreement which, if it fails to live up to that, it will have to compensate consumers in the form of rebates. Yeah right! That is SO un-Malaysian, YB.

Okay, okay to be fair to Lim Keng Yaik and all the other YB’s in the government there must be some perfectly reasonable explanation for all this mess. But as a poor working slob who is not too intelligently savvy about economics, I feel that it is not being explained to me in a way that I can understand. I’ll be the first to admit that if I did understand I would put my patriotic shoulder to pull my weight in the same direction as everybody else. Otherwise I just feel I want to string up those TNB flers on the nearest lamp post.

Okay, okay I digress from the funny stuff in today’s papers. Turn to page 6 of the NST today. There those TNB flers are teaching you “How to POWER up your life and save ENERGY”. Roughly translated it means “since you’re F**Ked we’d like to rub your nose in the shit a bit more”. They are saying …

“Use compact flourescent light bulbs”!!!!!!
“Replace porch lights with motion sensor lights or light sensor bulbs”!!!!!!
“LCD/plasma TV sets use less energy than older models”!!!!!!

So are they saying to us that there are ways of reducing our spending on power? Sure. Except that we have to spend loads of money FIRST before the savings begin. Otherwise you join the rest in the shit-holes and save right from the start. Your choice. Hey! We’re not anything if we’re not democratic.

Here’s something that is not so funny la. Someone in his PR department should teach the Energy, Water and Communications Minister that he should not smile when he’s just made an announcement that’s pissed off a few million people. Look at him…

“Ah…we only allow 12% increase only. So ah the lower income people will not be affected la. Yes, very good, very good.”

Notice that the TNB flers are not smiling… “how the hell are we going to raise the rest of the money?”

Okay lah. After all that ranting I guess we should all be glad that our electricity tariffs are the cheapest in the region except for Indonesia. And F**K! we’re having a way better life than those losers in Ghana. So…….

RELEK AH, BRUDDER!

A fellow blogger called me this morning and requested that I compliment the PR guys handling all these announcements of the electricity tariff increase. Good job guys. Great timing. When the World Cup starts in a couple of weeks nobody will remember or care too much about TNB. And when the World Cup fever ends after a month all Malaysians will go back to life in Bolehland which will still be better than Ghana.

180 degree spins

2006-05-24T18:56:00.000+08:00

(Adam: Ha? Did I say no increase in power rates? Just joking only.)

Aiyoh!!! All these turn arounds by our so-called leaders is sure getting us nowhere la. Reminds me of the leader of the lost patrol in the newspaper comic strip. Okay, okay...what is Patrick ranting about now?

I just read on the Net that Energy, Water and Communications Minister Lim Keng Yaik has announced the cabinet's approval for power tariffs to be increased by an average of 12 % from June 1.

But...but...but...wasn't it just days ago that I read in the newspapers Pak Lah saying that there would be NO power rates hike for the time being??? Maybe it is all this spinning that's causing me to hallucinate and read things that are not there. Maybe the PM meant for the "time being"...like while I am still speaking. Soon as I get out of this place ... anything can happen. But, hey! while I am here talking to you there will be no price hike. Okay bro?

Then the JAKIM gentleman says that from next year cosmetics that are not certified HALAL will not be allowed into the country. A couple of days later he comes out to refute the newspaper reports saying that it wasn't what he meant and that of course non halal cosmetics will still be allowed...blah...blah...blah.

I don't know about you but I am still close to tears about what is happening to Amir Mohd's film, Lelaki Komunis Terakhir. First, the censorship board approves it with a U certificate for general screening. Then days later the Home Ministry bans it. About turn! Then it is announced that the UMNO Supreme Council is the deciding factor if the film is to be approved or banned. Today, I learn that... No lah. It is the government who will decide not UMNO (although of late the line between the two seems to be blurring. For me at least.) About turn!

Of course the most famous and most hotly debated about-turn is the Crooked Bridge or Scenic Bridge.

First, let's build the bridge.

Then, wait...wait...wait...the flers across the other side of the straits don't agree.

Followed quickly by...F*** them la. We build it anyway. Much hot air followed that song and dance.

Then suddenly, the Prime Minister says it. "YES! We're building the bridge!" Yay!

A few days later... Errrr no lah we are definitely cancelling the project. That's four 180 degree turns in a row. That surely must be a Malaysian record of some kind.

Scary!!!

2006-05-20T16:48:00.000+08:00

My wife, Min photographed this news cutting that was posted up on a school notice board!!!

"I spotted this on a notice board in a school. I think putting up the newspaper cutting was to educate their students on sexual abuse. Or from the headline, warn the children of genocide!"

Literal translation:
SEXUAL ABUSE
children to be exterminated

Comedy, Tragedy and Everything Else in Between

2006-05-12T21:35:00.000+08:00

(Adam: Yay! Papa another newspaper is here. Let's have some fun.)

Forget ASTRO, Star Movies, HBO...there's much better entertainment delivered right to your doorstep every morning. That's right I am talking about Malaysian newspapers. Best la I tell you. Just today in The Star...

Melodrama...on the front page the headline screamed "PM: We must make it", "Failure is not an option. Our only choice is to succeed." Pak Lah was addressing the audience at the mammoth UMNO 60th birhday party held at Istana Besar in Johor. So what is so funny, you ask. Well, nothing in those words. Very serious indeed. But then later on in the same story Pak Lah is quoted as saying to his audience that "...if the Malays fail to achieve the status of developed race, it would be embarassing." I find Pak Lah's use of the word "embarassing" totally inappropriate and very funny. Unless the reporter got it wrong. "Embarassing" when you are talking about life and death issues? Okay lah. maybe some of you are saying that I am making a mountain out of a molehill la. Sure makes you want to think about using the right words to get your point across the next time you want to say something isneet? The tragic part of this story is that while mountains of print has been used to drive Malays into becoming a developed race I think somebody forgot to inform the pak cik and mak cik and their anak-anak just what the hell that means. Developed race? But I thought we are okay what. Oh you mean we should work hard, make lots of money, get into politics maybe, import some timber, make more money. But then can I still make the toilet floors wet, put my cucu on the toilet wash basin and ask him to piss into it because all the urinals are being used, spit out of my car window, throw rubbish anywhere I like, talk loudly on my handphone in the cinema? Huh? You also don't know ah? Then what is the meaning this developed race? Needs work, Pak Lah.

UPDATE:

The Star today (Saturday May 13, 2006) reports that the Jasin fler is a director of a company that was fined by Customs for trying to smuggle VCD's to Indonesia 7 years ago. Ever ready with an answer the fler said that the VCD's didn't belong to his company and added that his company was only the forwarding agent. I wonder how many eyes he asked the Customs to close that time? VCD's? I think one eye enough lah.

And some more lah.

I found this excerpt from Tun Mahathir's DVD rant quite appropriate for this Jasin fler's case. See what you think.

"When we want to change the Malays, we look at the history of the Malays. We have values that are not conducive to success. We don't give value to the sense of shame, for example.

Of course, if you take off your clothing, you'll feel malu (shame). When you fail in something, you should feel ashamed. If you study something and you don't succeed, you should feel ashamed. But, some people say, 'I failed the exam, seronok pula (happy too)'. There is no sense of shame. We have to build a sense of shame so that when you have a strong sense of shame, you will strive not to feel a sense of shame and when you undertake to do something, you do it well. If you do business, you must succeed in business. You must do the right things. You mustn't cheat and things like that. We must try get these New Malays to have this sense of shame."

Maybe he is not ashamed because he hasn't really failed yet has he? Well, up to now his only shortcoming was that he was found out.

Mystery-thriller...on page N6 the headline was "Jasin MP must explain actions". The Prime Minister was quoted as saying, "We have to ascertain what had happened because he already said he was willing to be investigated. We cannot simply take action just like that." Yippee! Yes we are very happy that he is willing to be investigated. But I think there are people who may have lost the point here. Sure I believe that he should be given his day to explain the reasons for his actions and whether they were criminal or not. But this man, an elected Member of Parliament had openly lied to the country and openly and arrogantly admitted that he lied. In my book that is ground enough for action to be taken against him. You are a public servant you told a blatant lie and you insult your fellow countrymen by daring them to prove you are wrong? What happened to HONOUR? Or is that not a prerequisite for being a Member of the Malaysian Parliament? Or simply being a good Malaysian?

Horror...on page N18 of The Star today we learned that from next year cosmetics which do not carry a halal certificate will not be allowed into the country. This idea (again something that does not sound like it's been properly thought through) was announced by the director-general of the Malaysian Islamic Development Department (JAKIM). I think you can imagine for yourself what effect that banning action will have on Malaysia's cosmetics industry and the thousands of Malaysian who work in it. By all means talk to the L'Oreal's, the MAC's, the Revlon's and the Maybelline's about making a halal range specially for Muslim consumers. But in the meantime just label non-halal cosmetics as such so that Muslims will not unwittingly use frog DNA mixed with fruits on their skin. But no. In true Malaysian fashion we ban first. I am suspecting that some MP may be building some factory somewhere to churn out a range of Halal cosmetics very soon. Anyone got shares in Zaitun ah? Better buy some more. Good times ahead. Tanpa was-was somemore.

Actually, as a patriotic Chinese Malaysian I am really scared by all the recent talk about Halal this and that.

First, it started with the news of the increase in the price for pork. The reason for that apparently is the declining number of pig farms in the country. Some of these were found to be polluting rivers and our water supplies and were closed by state governments. With no plans at all of solving the basic problem of these farms which is proper location, maintenance and adherence to rules and regulations. Just close them down. Why worry? We don't eat pork what. My old memory isn't what it used to be but didn't I remember that we are Malaysia and we are always "tolerant" and we live in "harmony" with all the races? So sure, Halal is a big deal for our Muslim brethren. But pork is part of Chinese cuisine and culture isn't it? Speaking of which, I always find it really strange and tragic that at big festivals we happily serve halal food on the buffet table but don't give a shit about serving beef rendang knowing very well that there are Hindu guests present. One Malay friend told me that Hindu's do not mind seeing beef on the table they just won't eat it. But some Muslims cannot even stand the sight of pork or being near anything that might have been tainted by those cursed animals. Oh I see. That's alright then. Thank you.

Okay okay, sorry for taking a slight detour la. After that pork thing came a big international expo or something focussed on Halal food industries. Don't know the details of that but I did see our Deputy Prime Minister on TV walking around the expo and tasting some of the halal exhibits. I think I even saw him smacking his lips after visiting what must have been a delicious exhibit. And then today the halal cosmetics thing.

I am really scared la. After Malaysia become a totally halal country then how? I don't think I can permanently abstain from bak kut teh and Hokkein mee will not taste the same fried with palm oil instead of lard and without the pork crackling bits. What will my mother and father in the big Malaysia in the sky say when I make offerings to them next Cheng Beng without their favorite roast pork on their ancestral altar? And somemore my mother prayed to Kwan Yin and would never touch beef and my father didn't like chicken that much. I never did get used to beef bacon with my breakfast eggs or those awful sandwiches served by 5-star hotels using Turkey ham. And I mean what the fuck is turkey ham. Ham is pig not turkey and bacon is swine not bull. So if these flers want to be halal they should just say beef and turkey. I think these flers with their fancy menu's are just trying to piss us pork eaters off. They sure succeeded. With me anyway.

Guess what? Typing this I didn't realise that it was past midnight. Yay! Another newspaper will be at the door step in a few hours. I don't know if I can take this much entertainment on a daily basis.

A Black Day In Bolehland

2006-05-11T14:02:00.000+08:00

(Adam: So I can't do business issit? You telling me? You talking to me? Well, I don't see nobody else here.)

There is a tragically funny and sad story in The Star today. Did you see it?

A blatant liar and crook has more or less been given a pat on the back to continue his ways. An MP who tried to pull some strings with the customs department for them to close one eye (remember it was only a request for ONE eye to be closed because this fact probably is important to the way the case is treated) to an illegal transaction. Then he publicly proclaimed that he was just doing someone a favor. Then he finally admits that this someone was himself! Yes, he owned the company for which transaction he was asking the customs people to close that one eye. Then he goes on national TV and arrogantly announces that he's apologised to the Prime Minister. "I am allowed to do business. Why can't MP's do business?" Then he adds that he told the Prime Minister, "I minta maaf kalau I buat salah." 2 counts of wrongdoing right there. Didn't the cabinet ban the use of Bahasa Rojak recently? So what's this "I" shit? And "kalau I buat salah" which means "If I have done wrong". IF!!!!!!!!!!! ????????????? This man's skin is thicker than a rhino's hide la. If???!!! You tried to use your MP status to curry favor. You lied about your intentions. And you come out to ask no less than your Prime Minister, IF you'd done wrong??? We may be Malaysians but we're really not stupid you know.

This unrepentent moron even has the cheek to announce that business (his and others I presume) had dropped by 70% because of 'strict' Customs action on the import of sawn timber logs. Strict Customs action? What the fuck does that mean? It's either legal or illegal. What is 'strict' action? So the Customs are doing their job as they should and so it is basis for a businessman to use that as a complaint that it is affecting business??? What is going on here?

And so this fler lied to his cabinet colleagues. He lied to the people who elected him. He lied to the nation. And what happens? His bosses, the rakyat who elected him, say nothing. His colleagues say that there is "no case" against him. And another performing monkey says, "Let's wait for the results of the investigations (if a report has been lodged)." Sure, I believe that anyone is innocent until proven guilty. But in this case what results of what investigations do we need? He lied in public. He admitted that he lied in public. What he lied about and admitted to doing was illegal. So whose permission are we awaiting to string him up. Small fry he may be as claimed by some observers. He is caught, he pays the price. Isn't that the deal here?

Today is a bad, black day for our country. But to many Malaysians it will just be Thursday, May 11, 2006. Hiyah! Rain again. Baarger sure jam one la. Life in Bolehland. It goes on.

So what? I'm only doing business what.

Something else completely different

2006-04-26T17:15:00.000+08:00

Ti-Ratana Neighbourhood Family Day
Sunday April 30, 2006
9.00 a.m. to 2.00 p.m.

17, Lorong Maarof, Bangsar

The Ti-Ratana Welfare Society is organising a neighbourhood family day at the Ti-Ratana Community Centre in Bangsar this coming Sunday, April 30 from 9 am to 2 pm. Please help to spread the word to your friends and family.

This event is aimed at spreading awareness of the community centre and its activities among residents of Bangsar, Brickfields and the Pantai/Kerinchi areas, especially the lower income group.

The Ti-Ratana Community Centre, Bangsar is situated in a 3-storey building on 17, Lorong Maarof. It organises regular activities for members as well as for interested people in the neighbourhood. Activities are non-religious in nature and include Language Lessons, Meditation, Arts & Crafts, Speech, Dance and lots more.

Neighbourhood Family Day April 30 2006

This promises to be a fun day for all with lots of games and activities for children.

Jumble sale from 50 sen to RM5.00

New and pre-owned clothes, shoes, bags, toys, books, kitchen utensils, electrical items, stationery, home decoratives and lots more.

FREE!!! FREE!!! FREE!!! FREE!!! FREE!!! FREE!!!

There will be lots of stuff to take away abolutely FREE!!!

FREE!!! FREE!!! FREE!!! FREE!!! FREE!!! FREE!!! FREE!!!

There will be a FREE Halal vegetarian lunch served from 12 noon to 1 p.m.

FOR THE KIDS

Magic Show
Face Painting
Balloon Sculptures
Games with prizes to win

Help spread the word, friends. I'll be there and it would be really nice to see some of the bloggers face-to-face so do come along and have some fun this Sunday, April 30 from 9 am to 2 pm. Ti-Ratana Community Centre, 17 Lorong Maarof, Bangsar.

To read more about the history and the work of the Ti-Ratana Welfare Society and Community Centres go here.

And now for something completely different......

2006-04-21T16:28:00.000+08:00

Go and visit Holes, a brand new pictorial blog dedicated to HOLES. Have fun. I hope.

Here we go again!

2006-04-21T14:48:00.000+08:00

(Adam: SIGH. Here we go again!)

A few days ago I posted something in praise of those flers in blue especially the ones manning the Rakan Cop hotline. I said that the Polis Diraja Malaysia were at last doing something right. Many comment-ers posted to say that they too would appreciate an efficient police force that was proactive and people friendly. But being Malaysians some of the comment-ers were also quite sceptical about how long this new 'efficiency' would last before being consigned to the lock-up room and the keys thrown away.

Well guys, I hate to inform you that my elation and yours may indeed be shortlived.

Driving to work this morning I saw that a big tree branch had broken off one of the trees that lined the roads in my housing area. Worse it was hanging precariously on a single telephone wire that stretched across the road which happens to be the main thoroughfare in and out of Bukit Antarabangsa. Road users wanting to turn left into Jalan Wangsa 1 would have to pass under the wire and the very heavy branch both of which could come crashing down on unsuspecting victims and cause severe if not lethal damage.

(Photo taken at approximately 2.13 p.m. Notice the single strand of telephone wire that is holding the branch up.)

Remembering my experience with those wonderfully helpful people at Rakan Cop a few days ago, I called the number, 03 21159999. Again, the same cheerful attitude came on the other end of the line. Took down the details and said they would do something about it. Less than 3 minutes later I received a call. "Ah, Encik Patrick ah? Ini balai polis Ampang. Tadi you........" The Ampang policeman, as in the other day's experience, sounded irritated that he had to attend to me. Anyway, I repeated the whole thing to him and he gruffly indicated that he would do "something". I checked the time. It was 1059 hrs. That's 10.59 a.m. When I drove back after I finished my rehearsals.........the tree branch was still hanging there! The time was 1413 hrs. Or 2.13 p.m. Almost 3 hours and nothing had been done. I called Rakan Cop again. Same friendly answer. This time........."Oh. Masih ada sana ke?" Still there ah? "Tapi I da bagi tahu balai polis Ampang." So? Feeling a little exasperated I told the gentleman that perhaps the Ampang boys weren't the ones to call but instead if he could do all his rakan rakan cop a big favor, if he knew the number to call the Bomba boys to come and clear the dangerous mess. "Oh. Okay, okay, okay, okay." Ever notice how Malaysians think that by repeating words it is deemed to have convinced the other party that action has been taken? And that's where it's at as I type this post.

It would appear now that Rakan Cop, your Police Friend, is very glad to take your calls. Anytime. But it doesn't mean that they will do anything about it. Well, not all the time anyway.

Maybe, that Toyo fler's idea of a developed state just means that emergencies will take a little longer to resolve given that he and his people are now busy filtering water for the population of the developed state to drink.

Post script: I also noticed that many drivers and motorcyclists were cheerily driving under the branch without a care. Many of them were smiling as they went. "Oh look! A big, heavy branch hanging over the road on a single telephone wire . How quaint. Branch fall on me? Nah. It won't happen to me. Anyway, I've got a spare life in the wardrobe at home. What's the problem?"

Something good this way comes

2006-04-18T15:57:00.000+08:00

(Smiling, friendly, helpful. The new face of the Polis Diraja Malaysia? Dare we live in hope?)

Photo from lamanweb resmi PDRM

Those Polis Diraja Malaysia flers have been kena-ed so many times in the past few months I am sure their heads are spinning la. Everybody also want to have them strung up. Commission after commission set up to make them tow the line and do their jobs properly. Many cynical Malaysians were sceptical about how effective all this attention and all those commissions would be. Not many held out much hope. But I am pleased to tell you about this incident which may prove that those flers may actually be trying to get their act together. Finally.

For the past couple of weeks I have been noticing this bright orange tent on a hill slope near where I live. Some people had set up tent complete with washing hanging outside to dry. Sometimes smoke from a cooking fire maybe can be seen rising into the air. Sometimes a lorry would be parked outside the tent. Something was going on. But there was no sign or anything to tell anyone what was going on behind the canvass. So today, I decided to make use of the Rakan Cop phone number that's been flashed up on those ITIS lightboards that have sprouted all over the city. I called 03 21159999. A man answered and when I spoke English he didn't miss a beat and answered me in perfect English. He listened to my story and took down the details including my handphone number and promised that he would look into the matter. Half an hour later I received a call from the Ampang police station. This time this cop wasn't so English literate and spoke in Bahasa with a tone that was just short of irritation. But he said that the police had done a check on my report and he informed me that the tent was set up by some people who were doing some sort of ground engineering check for someone who planned to build a house near that piece of land. My Bahasa wasn't good enough to understand the full explanation he offered so I am still puzzled as to where and when this intended building was going to take place. The hill slope where the tent was, was on the wrong side of the road from where there were housing lots allocated. The area was also at the base of a very steep slope in location which was prone to landslides. Perhaps it's another Malaysian who is foolhardy enough to take on Mother Nature again. Quite possible. After all, the area is under the purview of MPAJ and we all know what their record is concerning approval for sliding houses and apartments.

Anyway, I am digressing. So something good is happening with the polis flers. Syabas! I must say this is the most pleasant experience I've had calling a police phone number. Great service. With a smile even.

Now what we all should do is to help these flers take it one step further. Call them about anything suspicious or wrong that you see. Get answers. Be concerned. Report suspicious characters in your neighbourhood. Report bad and dangerous drivers. The police now seem willing to listen and help. And now it's our duty to help them do their jobs.

We're Malaysian and proud of it.

2006-04-13T21:23:00.000+08:00

(Adam attempting the Malaysian record for holding a stainless steel spoon in his mouth for the longest time)

A comment left by mob1900 gave me the idea of starting this blog to list down things that make us all so uniquely and proudly Malaysian. Although that does not make us Truly Asia-n. mob1900 commented..."we open our car doors to spit, even while driving. Tissues are for whussies!" How true! And how Malaysian. That's not the only thing that Malaysians do with their car doors open. They also like to open the car door to pay their toll charges. Winding down the window would a) expand too much energy that could otherwise be used to give other drivers the finger. Or b) would deplete the battery if it is an electrically operated window. Speaking of which do you know of or have met any Malaysian driver who would only switch on their parking lights even when driving along city streets at night? I asked a Malaysian driver why he did that and the answer was, "Save battery ma." Then he gave me a look like, "You stupid or what?"

Another uniquely Malaysian trait. If it's new and looks good, let's fix that. Seen any of the new Rapid KL busses on the roads? They are so nice la. Spotlessly clean. Signs that make sense. No A4 paper sign in sight. Empty. But don't be too concerned because the Malaysianisation of those busses has begun...

(Rapid KL bus photographed on Jalan Ampang on Tuesday 11 April, 2006)

(Sahaja sehari. Bad Bahasa maybe but it could prove prophetic.)

Meanwhile, maybe Rapid KL should take heart. Once those new busses manage to retain a layer of grime, sound like a rock crusher gone berserk and belch black smoke the KL commuters will sell their mothers for RM2 to get on and ride.

Another very Malaysian thing is we love to impress tourists. Especially, when they come here for big sporting events being staged here like the annual F1 races. Each year when that time rolls around the city is dressed up for them. Sidewalks are paved. Beautiful flowers miraculously appear along the road dividers on Jalan Sultan Ismail. But straight after F1 is done.......

(Picture of dead and dying flowers on road divider across from the Sheraton Imperial Hotel along Jalan Sultan Ismail. Taken 4 days after F1 2006)

This is one of my favorites. We Malaysians love to "use other people's buttocks as our face" (old Chinese saying). Anybody that makes it into the big time on the international arena be it sports, the arts, entertainment we are super fast in discovering some Malaysian connection. Hey, Miss Georgia 2006! Her father is Malaysian. Never mind that he's maybe emigrated for decades. Hey, Anita Sarawak is big time! (well this is going back a few years la) BUT her parents are Malaysian. Don't matter if she's been Singaporean for years. Hot babe Vj, Paula Malai is now as Malaysian as nasi lemak since she married one of us. But even before that we laid claim to her beauty and talent. Just because she chose to be based here for reasons best known to herself. Feel free to add to this list of international celebrities that have Malaysian connections. Go for it.

Of course, there is that part of being Malaysian that we all know and love. Breaking dubioius records. Does anyone remember what our latest attempt is? One of my favorites is that record of the most number of people having a sit down Chinese dinner on a football field. Beat that!

This one just came in from a comment-er as I was typing...

..."parking our cars right in front of any restaurant while few steps away got parking bays! like we have no legs to walk for that distance"

That's right. We hate to walk. Malaysians will circle for hours in a mall's parking lot until they find a bay that is right outside the elevator door. It's a wonder that nobody has started drive-in businesses for mamak restaurants, pubs, cinemas etc. Malaysians would love it. Just drive right up, folks. No need to walk at all.

Some Malaysian-isms with potentially tragic consequences include our inability or unwillingness to question those we voted into power to manage our lives and livelihoods. I am sure we have all read about the abortion of the scenic bridge idea but the fine print also informed us that 100 million Ringgit will be paid in compensations to the contractor plus some government contracts on a silver platter as well. So at the end of the day we could be flushing a couple of billions down the toilet. And the most we will have to show for it is that potential white elephant they call the CIQ complex. It will be a nice building. For a while. Until that Malaysian-ism that has infected the Rapid KL busses gets to it. I am sure that topic will be debated at mamak stalls, offices and in traffic jams for a while. Until it's time for EPL 'live' on TV this weekend. Then it's back to business as usual.

I am going to stop here and go reminiesce about the time when being Malaysian meant being proud to be hard-working, passionate, productive people. Proud of doing our given tasks to the best of our ability. And hope that one day soon those times will return. So I'm a dreamer. So sue me.

How do you know it's a government owned facility?

2006-04-06T00:15:00.000+08:00

(View of Taman Tasik Titiwangsa)

We took the kids out to Taman Titiwangsa last Saturday. For those of you who have not been to the park it is actually a great place. Lots of space. Green. Trees. And lots of activities to keep kids happy. Cycling paths. Boating lake. Horse rides. Horse carriage rides.

Laura having a great time at Taman Tasik Titiwangsa
Min and Adam enjoying the horse carriage ride

But how do you know it is a facility owned and operated by the Kerajaan?

The omnipresent A4 paper signages stuck on with yellowing, dried cellophane tape. Keep a lookout for this piece of Malaysian mystique the next time you visit any government facility. Actually, the A4 paper sign has invaded even private enterprise. Lots of them around the KLIA too. Just one of those things that make us sooooooooo Malaysian. Sad thing is that we are actually becoming proud of our A4 paper signs.

Jalur Gemilang

2006-04-06T00:03:00.001+08:00

(Photo taken in the kampung that is next to Damansara Jaya)

Is it patriotism or a state of the nation statement? I just think it is a jailable offence.

Even with the poor quality of the photograph one can see that the flag is a tattered and pathetic piece of cloth fluttering in the breeze atop a flagpole that stands high above the roofs for all to see. Maybe the owner of this weather worn Jalur Gemilang is making a statement. Sure got me pissed off.

Can I Hep Shu?

2006-03-28T14:58:00.000+08:00

Tuesday, April 4, 2006 1558 hrs.

Here's the latest update. I received an sms from the gentleman from Caltex:-

"Dear Patrick, I've forwarded a show cause letter to our retail partner at Jln Ipoh on 31 March demanded for full explanation. Will keep you posted. (name of sender withheld by me)

(Adam: "Ya. Can I hep shu?)

A couple of nights ago I came home from the KLPAC and read this email in my mailbox...

"Good afternoon Mr. Teoh.

We refer to your undermentioned blog regarding our station in Jalan Ipoh placing barriers at the pump island on 27 February 2006 night just before the price change. We view this seriously and would appreciate very much if you could confirm which station as we have 2 stations in Jalan Ipoh. The one you are referring to is it near the police station/Sentul? The other one is at the opposite end of Jalan Ipoh (4 1/4 mile).

We would very much like to look into this matter and would value your confirmation.

Thank you for your valuable time and we look forward to your feedback.

C K L, Retail Business Consultant

Caltex Oil Malaysia Limited (992309 U)
Retail Marketing

From: M Sent: Monday, 6 March 2006 9:39 AM To: Subject: FW: Have you read this from Patric Teoh's blog ?"

Hmmmm...I thought. Never expected to get reaction from a big ass oil company like Caltex. So I replied...

"Frankly, I am surprised when I got this email from you. So much for having confidence in big business. Confidence in anything is hard to summon up these days. You want to know which one it is? Sure. It is the one just before the turn off to the Sentul Curry House. I think you would be right in thinking that it is the one near the Sentul police station. Please keep me informed of your actions. Thank you."

This morning when I switched on my cell phone I had 2 missed calls from a certain Kenny who identified himself as being a Retail Business Consultant (what the hell is that? Decided later that it must be some American way of titling their salesmen or executives) from Caltex. I called him back. Kenny was very polite and affable. He informed me that they had read and taken note of my comments about the Ipoh Road Caltex station and were suitably distressed about it. Why? Caltex cares about their customers wor. Good. About time. Kenny made several attempts to get me to meet up with him even offering to drive out to the KLPAC as he was in the area. Why? He wanted to explain things to me and help to make things better again. When I said I wasn't at the KLPAC Kenny suggested that we meet somewhere so that he could help his company make amends and also to get full details of what happened on that night of my first encounter with the new fuel prices. "Do you live in KL? PJ?" and so it went. After some minutes I said that the best thing would be for Kenny to go find out from the station owner what happened on the night in question and then to let me know so that I can inform visitors to my blog. Kenny then said that he was actually at the station but the owner was on M.C. but that he will definitely get to the bottom of things and keep me/us informed.

And so we wait with bated breath for the next exciting episode. Watch this space.

Paper for Wrapping and the Jokes are FREE

2006-03-28T14:17:00.000+08:00

(Adam enjoying his chicken leg or what's going to be left of the 'chicken' when he grows up)

On page N6 of The Star today, Datuk Dr. Abdul Rahman Embong, Professor in Sociology of Development and Principal Fellow at the Institute of Malaysian and International Studies, UKM was quoted as saying that the 9th Malaysia Plan's implementation period 2006-2010 is particularly strategic because we are now entering the second phase towards realising Vision 2020, to become a developed nation.

Developed nation? 2020? Hmmm...I think maybe not so soon la. Just take a look at the photo on the front page of today's Star. In particular the man on the left with a plateful of fried chicken in his left hand while his right hand is grabbing another handful of the free food. There's also another guy on the right with a plate of chicken enough to feed half the population of Ethiopia. Why this sudden rush for fried chicken when chicken sellers in markets all over Malaysia are lamenting a drop in sales due to the bird flu scare? Why? Because it's FREE what! Free cannot die one.

The news story reported that the event was a publicity stunt by the Malacca Hawkers and Traders Association. 18 chicken traders donated 10 birds each for the free chicken meal which was later supplemented by another 200kg more. The invitation I guess was come and eat free chicken la. No bird flu problem with our properly cooked chicken. But being Malaysians people brought along the infamous pink plastic bags to ta pau and stockpile for the next famine.

Looking at the photo of those 'hungry' Malaysians at the chicken feast in Malacca I thought...Vision 2020 ah? Hmmm...........Vision 4040......MAYBE.

THANK GOD IT'S FRIDAY!

2006-03-24T14:04:00.000+08:00

(Adam doing his impression of a Malaysian minister of information)

For some inexplicable reason the first page of The Star newspaper I turned to this morning was Page N10. I was very glad that I did that because it started my morning off with a big belly laugh and that doesn't happen often these days with the kind of news we've been getting.

There on page N10 under the headline "RTM to launch third channel" was this hilarious quote from the minister of information, "We are working towards screening only good quality programmes." Hahahahaha...what a joker he is this YB. Listen, YB RTM has been trying to do that for the past 40 years. Without any success. So pardon us if we don't hold our breaths for your obvious attempt at "I'm the new minister so I am going to have to say something worthy of the post of Minister of Information"-ism. So Ali, Ah Chong and Samy get ready for more RTM trash to hit the airwaves. In the same story was something less funny. Apparently, RTM is going to celebrate it's 60th anniversary by throwing more good money down the longkang. The YB announced that RTM is going to rename its two TV channels and is planning on launching a 3rd one.

TV1 and TV 2 are going to be renamed...wait for it...RTM1 and RTM2!

Huh???!!!

In his infinite wisdom the YB is going to cause to be spent probably millions of Ringgit to affect a name change to something which is almost exactly the same as the old one. Way to go, YB. You've proven conclusively that you have what it takes to be a Minister of Information in Malaysia. The YB also threatened that TV2/RTM2 is planning to broadcast round the clock. Yawn. Waffor, Yang Berhormat? More programmes featuring badly dressed, pea-brained, out of touch with reality, bush jacket wearing goons sitting in a row discussing topics nobody is interested in all set against a backdrop that is reminisent of LSD induced color hallucination?

On page N12 of The Star headlined, "IRB leads in saving electricity" it is reported that IRB chief executive officer, Tan Sri Zainol Abidin Abdul Rashid had always stressed the efficient use of energy and would ask that all lights and air-conditioners be switched off when nobody was in the office". But since IRB is a government office wouldn't that be ALL the time? Great savings indeed.

On the same page Deputy Minister of Youth and Sports Datuk Liew Tiong Lai announced that "Companies should send their staff for training and upgrade their skills to remain competitive." Oi! YB if you are so clever to speak why doesn't the Kerajaan practice what you preach and train their staff like you advise? You're funny la.

And this is hilariously scary. The proposed second bridge for Penang is estimated to cost RM2.6 billion. RM4 billion saved from fuel subsidy=improve public transport services=RM2.6 billion to build bridge=not enough money for busses, trains upgrade=cut some more subsidy=DAMN TERUK

Page N4 announced the opening of the new low cost carrier terminal in Sepang. I must admit that I have not been following the progress of this project. But can somebody tell me why there was a need to build another terminal when to all of us ordinary Joe's the KLIA looks very under-utilised? And of course, being a typical Malaysian project the planning wasn't so good la. The low cost terminal (LCT) is situated kilometers away from the KLIA and the Express Rail Link (ERL) terminals. From what was announced a few days ago the shuttle bus service from KL to the LCT appears to be a hurriedly put together after-thought and will probably cause a lot of inconvenience and discontent among people who need to use the LCT regularly. What about passengers who need to commute from KLIA to the LCT? I am sure there are shuttle bus services but from reading what has been in the press about the LCT and its services I don't remember reading a heck of a lot about all this nitty-gritty stuff which must be an integral part of launching something like LCT. Hai mai? So all you flers who need to use the LCT make sure you get there hours and hours before your flight or connecting flight or you'll be forced to endure typical Malaysian hospitality for longer than you want to. Hahahaha... sorry ah.

Okay a quick quiz for you. Where in KL do you board the shuttle bus that will take you to the LCT? If you took more than 5 seconds to answer it means we're screwed!

Here's another one. How much does it cost to take the KL-LCT shuttle bus?

BEEEEEEEP! You're screwed! Thank you. Next.

Oh Minister...PLEASE!

2006-03-21T16:22:00.000+08:00

(Adam demonstrating what most politicians do when they discuss issues affecting you and me...)

When I read the Star this morning I was both infuriated and scared at the same time. Buried in page N14 under the headline "Don't interfere in Islam, non-Muslims warned" was the cause of my stress after almost 59 years of proudly being a Malaysian. It wasn't what was actually said that upset me but rather the tone of voice and the bad choice of words used by this one elected representative in our Dewan Rakyat.

The Star reported, "The minister in the Prime Minister's Department, Datuk Seri Mohd Nazri Abdul Aziz warned that the Government would not hesitate to use the Sedition Act against those who insulted Islam."

Fair enough. Nobody should be allowed to insult another citizen's religion.

The minister went on to say, "We will not think twice about using the law against anybody who incites."

Of course, that's the right thing to do. I have no problems with that.

But I get very pissed off when the minister says stuff like this..."But you must remember the word amok comes from this country and there is a limit to everything." He preceded that by saying that the "tolerance level among Muslims was high."

Is that a thinly veiled threat? What was the minister trying to insinuate?

The next quote is nothing but spine-chillingly frightening for all loyal, true Malaysians..."We do not want to take away your rights but religion is an important matter, especially to the Muslims."

There is a much better and more correct way of saying things, YB. Choose your words wisely next time, Yang Berhormat. The last thing we need is for more problems caused solely by misunderstanding due to the poor use of words by our elected representatives.

Pak Lah, I think this gentleman from your department deserves at least a slap on the wrist. Maybe you should send him for lessons in communication before he throws another spanner in your works.

The full Star story can be read here.

p/s I tried to post the update before midnight on March 21 but couldn't because there seemed to be something wrong with blogger. So the discrepancy with the dates mentioned in the story and the date of the post.

And the winner is...

2006-03-19T13:25:00.000+08:00

(Adam grimacing as he reads through the caption contest entries)

Well, the entries have been vetted and the winner has been chosen. It has been a tough process picking a winner from the more than 280 entries received for the caption contest. Not many were funny. Some were downright rude. Some were pathetic. Some clearly showed that the writers should not give up their day jobs and go into comedy writing. All the entries kind of showed what we have known for some time now. That Malaysians have lost their sense of humour along with their petrol subsidies. But we said there would be a winner and so we have to pick one...................Patrick Teoh

What is it about Malaysians and infantile erection jokes? Many of the entries were with gay innuendos and hitting below the belt, literally. Instead of lampooning the scenario, some choose to make anonymous personal attacks on the minister. Maybe is the angst venting but surely the message is lost Anyway, congrats to the winner...........................TV Smith

The winning entry...

1:46 PM, March 09, 2006
erina93 said...

Congratulations, erina93 you're the winner of ONE of the following prizes:-

1. Satay dinner and teh tarik for you and your partner with TV Smith and Patrick Teoh at Studio 5, Ampang Jaya.

2. 2 tickets to the KLPAC production of Harold Pinter's "The Homecoming", March 24 to April 2, 2006.

3. A visit from TV Smith and Patrick Teoh AND the King of Malaysian Bloggers, Jeff Oo i to your town of residence to buy you and your partner a dinner and teh tarik and maybe tok some kok. Peninsula Malaysia only. Sorry.

4. The name and address of Ong Ka Ting's tailor.

To claim your prize please send an email with your contact details and the prize you would like to mortimer53@gmail.com

Entries can be read here.

Special thanks to Suanie for the balloon captions.

Where In The World?

2006-03-12T21:22:00.000+08:00

Riding around the city in the RapidKL bus this afternoon, I spotted this sign of typical Malaysian standards of maintenance...

Where are these buildings? Some abandoned condo project? Birds nest harvesting hotels?

Some pre-war heritage building destined for demolition? What?

No...they are...part of...

The Petronas Twin Towers...

Weren't we once, not so long ago, so proud of these two monolithic structures? Didn't we all swell up with Malaysia Boleh spirit whenever they were mentioned? Didn't we use to boast with them to tell the world that we are soooooooooo GAYA?

Ha? Oh yes, I forgot. They're not the tallest buildings in the world anymore, right? So waffor to maintain, right? Right.

The Wheels On The Bus Go Round And Round...

2006-03-12T16:17:00.000+08:00

(Adam enjoying his ride on the RapidKL shuttle bus.)

My family and I went for a joy ride on the RapidKL shuttle bus this afternoon. We boarded the bus in front of the Concorde Hotel. The bus air-con was comfortable. The bus was clean. The bus was state of the art. CCTV cameras for the exit door even. The bus was near empty. Unlike all the commuters who have to endure crowded, smelly busses at rush hour to get to and from work, we enjoyed the ride for what it was.

But reading the commuter horror stories in The Sunday Star today I am glad that I do not have to depend on public transport to get to work. But if fuel prices keep going up I might have to follow our wise DPM's advice to change my lifestyl and 'accept' public transport. Withdraw some subsidies = increase in fuel prices and costs of living = change lifestyle and accept public transport = public transport system cannot cope with sudden overload of so many changed lifestyles = collapse of system = change lifestyle again = don't go to work = ask for subsidies = ...eh? what am I doing ah? Sorry ah. Got carried away there.

Yeah, the RapidKL bus we were on was great. Then we arrived at the RapidKL KLCC "hub". It was a joke. Hub? It's just a street side bus stop la, dei! And the busses have to share the road space with cars which use it illegally, tour busses which park there illegally and taxis which use it as a sort of "hub" too. First world Bus. Third world infrastructure. Then I took this photo of the RapidKL "hub"'s control centre...

(RapidKL's KLCC Control Centre)

Man with cap: "RM2 kali 3 orang...ermmmmmmm"
Man with glasses: "Siapa ni ambik gambar?"
Man with grey hair: "Eh! Eh! Tengok awek tu. Mari. Duduk kat pak cik."
Man with black jacket: "Eh! Lu jangan cakap banyak. Gua ada senyum bila pandu bus."

The plastic bag on the table contained some nangka. It was close to 4 o'clock so I guess they were preparing for tea at the control centre. One can only imagine what those steel rulers are for. But being Malaysian, even those are bent:-)

Well, I'll Be Damned!!!

2006-03-08T13:53:00.000+08:00

(Ong Ka Ting on LRT. Photo from The Star, March 8, 2006)

(Passenger with tie: "Baarger! Najib should have done this first la. Miss la. Ape hal le lu?)

(Woman passenger thinking: "So hemsome he."

(Man behind OKT: "F**K! Forgot my deodorant again!")

They are actually doing it!!! Well, one of them anyway. MCA prez and Minister, Ong Ka Ting was pictured in The Star today riding the LRT to his meeting in Jalan Ampang. This is leadership by example of the finest degree. His leader speaks, he makes the example. LOL...sorry couldn't resist that one. My first thought when I saw the photo today was to poo-poo it as a PR stunt. But on second thought, I also thought that it was a step, however small, in our VIP's realisation process that they should show by example rather than spew advice ad-nauseum. However, my cynical side still believes that this is just a PR stunt. Riding the LRT in a suit and tie among the rest of the long suffering raayat? Who is the PR person? Sack him/her. I remember that when the MCA leaders meet with members all these flers would wear their short sleeved white shirts. White=I am pure as snow. Trust me. Short sleeved shirt=I am just like you. A working slob. But once you elect me, it's Zegna suits and Gucci ties. Sorry la, have to look good for the TV camera ma.

But it is good la. If all the VIP's put their money where their mouths are and take public transport to work and be with the raayat I am sure that would go a long way in making things better. LRT's would not dare be late, dirty, rude etc. if VIP's are regular users. Or would they? But then ah...if VIP's use public transport they would be accompanied by all their minders who would push people aside, blare their sirens and generally be pains in the ass. Wouldn't they? Well, we shall see. Not that it's going to happen sometime soon la:-)

Meanwhile, here's a contest. Look at the photo of OKT on the LRT with the raayat. Caption it. What is he saying? What are the other passengers saying? Be creative. The best caption, judges' (TV Smith and Patrick Teoh) decision is final, wins any ONE of the following prizes:-

1. Satay dinner and teh tarik for you and your partner with TV Smith and Patrick Teoh at Studio 5, Ampang Jaya.

2. 2 tickets to the KLPAC production of Harold Pinter's "The Homecoming", March 24 to April 2, 2006.

3. A visit from TV Smith and Patrick Teoh AND the King of Malaysian Bloggers, Jeff Oo i to your town of residence to buy you and your partner a dinner and teh tarik and maybe tok some kok. Peninsula Malaysia only. Sorry.

4. The name and address of Ong Ka Ting's tailor.

Rules:
No anonymous posts. These will be deleted. If you don't have a blogger account use the tab "Other".
No personal attacks, gay bashing etc. These will be deleted.

Keep it clean. Keep it real. Keep it funny.

CONTEST ENDS March 15, 2006. Results here on March 19, 2006.

Go crazy guys!

p/s I don't think that Najib is going to be seen on the LRT or RapidKL busses real soon. Might crease his Hugo Boss suit.

Tokkok Monkeys

2006-03-03T15:08:00.000+08:00

(Politicians step out of their cars to ponder effects of fuel price increase. Deputy head monkey: Change your lifetsyle la dei!"
No slur intended on the monkeys by using their image. Sorry brothers. Photo courtesy of TV Smith)

I received quite a few comments on the last post, Here We Go Round The Mulberry Bush. Good comments too. I thought that I'd post them up as a blog so that we can share with all the visitors to Tokkok. If some of it don't make sense you'll have to go read the original comments la. Sorry ah.

blinka.li, what is "people 5mins chicken poo poo heat also u so kek sim". I don't get the connection la.

Great idea, egghead. How wonderful if all work can be done from home. Using a national high speed fibre optic network. On that thought, wasn't there some project some years ago to lay fibre optics throughout the country? What happened to that ah? No subsidies issit? Another Malaysian pipe dream?

You're right, Cronoz. With all that's happening the old Kamikaze Mini busses don't seem such a bad alternative now.

Ya, KK whenever these things happen the politicians instead of sympathising with the poor long suffering raayat and informing them of what is being done to alleviate their problems, they start spewing 'advice'. And the thing that always pisses me off is the tone of language they choose to use. Patronising us like little children while they drive about in their fuel guzzling Mercedes Benz's and BMW's. And it's 4.4 billion they save. Not 1 billion.

Eh, anonymous, I think you should keep your 1982 Proton la. Gen-2 may bring you more problems. LOL. And if you said what you wrote to our DPM or any other menteri they will quickly tell you that a minister's pay is not that much and that they too suffer like every other member of the Malaysian raayat. Yeah, right.

F**K the DPM? Oh dear, wani, wani, wani. What language! LOL. But I am sure you'd have to stand in line for that though:-)

Good point, nimble. That's one thing that I can never understand. Why former public services that have been privatised and which report record profits year afer year need to increase rates? If they were so profitable in the first place why were they privatised out of public hands? Well...that sentence sort of explains itself doesn't it? What is the point of privatising something that's not profitable?

fireangel, your equation sent a chill up my spine. MAS = public transportation. Is it just coincidence that MAS needs RM4 billion to get out of the shit house? Oh my gawd!!!

After all is said and done, it is the ordinary, totally screwed Malaysian who is to blame for all that's happening to him. Years of apathy have given rise to a series of administrations that know just how easy it is to pull the wool over his eyes. Even now, most of us are just moaning and groaning for a while before we go back to our 'cari makan' attitude ..."Hiyah! Can make money enough lor. Waffor want to trouble leh?"

Until the next fuel/power rate increase la. Then we talk somemore.

Okay lah, I got to go cari makan now. Eh! You pay the teh tarik ok? By the way, the teh tarik smelt like shit la. Ha? Ammonia only issit? Never mind la. You pay ah.

Here We Go Round The Mulberry Bush...

2006-03-01T20:12:00.000+08:00

(Adam: Oh no! Not that same story again, papa...I mean Pak Lah. YAWN!)

Everytime there is a price increase on anything the Malaysian raayat get the same tired old excuses from politicians and people whom they have voted to give the mandate to manage their lives in this country. In The Star March 1, 2006, Prime Minister Badawi was quoted as saying that the estimated RM4.4 billion in fuel subsidy saved will be spent to improve the public transportation system. Is it just me or has that been said so often it sounds like a broken record? Well, savings from reducing fuel subsidies go to improving public transportation system. Increases in power tariffs will be for improving something else and so on and so forth. But as we all know Malaysia's public transportation system is still a joke.

Like I've said before it isn't the price increase that I am personally pissed off about. It is the way it was announced and implemented. Sure, we all knew that a price hike was imminent. They'd hinted at it often enough that unless you're really stupid you would know that it was inevitable and prepared in your own ways to deal with it. But why does it always have to be increase first then talk about the plans to deal with repercussions? Why can't it be plan first, increase and then put mitigation plans into effect.

So the Prime Minister says the money saved will be used to improve public transportation. So? How is it going to be used? When? Who? Where? It’s not like they have spent time planning an efficient public transport system, estimated how much it will cost and then get the money from the lowering of the fuel subsidy. It’s almost like somebody came to the realisation that ooops! We can’t afford to pay all these subsidies anymore so let’s withdraw some of it and then tell everybody that we’re going to do something nice for them with the money saved. But of course, since we didn’t plan on what to do really. We’ll leave the money on paper and I am sure that sometime in the near future we’ll need a couple of submarines or a fleet of jet fighters. Or some highway will need repairing. Improving public transport? Oh yeah…forgot about that didn’t we? Hmmm…when can we make the next announcement about withdrawing some more fuel subsidies?

Alright. To be fair to my favourite Prime Minister I am sure that there were plans made to use the money from the subsidies to improve public transportation or whatever. Just for once I, as a voting, tax paying member of the raayat, would like to be told about what exactly those plans are. Not just that money will be spent. Can ah? Not much to ask is it?

And this morning when I read The Star I was really ‘too larn’ la (damn pissed off).

While we are all still reeling from the 30 sen increase in fuel prices and anticipating a total upheaval of our budgets, our Deputy Prime Minister in his infinite wisdom has seen it fit to ‘advise’ us on how to spend our money wisely! Change lifestyle, he said. Hullo, Mr. Deputy Prime Minister we know that already. We’re not stupid and we’re not your little children. Now, how about you telling us in some sensible detail what YOU plan to do with the extra money? When are you going to show us in action what has been promised? Najib said that one change in lifestyle which Malaysians had to make was to accept public transport. Accept? What the fuck does that mean? That we accept that the Malaysian public transportation system SUCKS? We accepted that already that's why we have cars that consume petrol that now costs 30 sen more. When was the last time he took public transport? Does he realise that LRT’s don’t connect? Does he know that there are not enough car parks at LRT stations so that commuters can leave their cars and train it to work? Does he know that most public transport is not disabled friendly? Does he know that KL is NOT a pedestrian friendly city?

Oh yes, did you read this bit in the Star article today? The DPM said, “Some ministers have told me that they use the light rail transit to go for functions.” Really? What’s Najib been smoking?

Actually, The Star today is full of tragically funny stories.

“Don’t Raise Fares” says the Entrepreneur and Cooperative Development Minister to all commercial vehicles, public transport and lorry operators. Okay. So who's going to pay for the 30 sen increase in my fuel costs? No what the YB meant was don't increase unreasonably. Okay. Why didn't you do some homework and tell us exactly what we can raise when you announced the 30 sen hike? Would have made life easier for everyone, right? Of course, then you won't have chance to make press statement la. Too bad they didn't put your photo in the article la. Maybe save cost in printing lor.

Meanwhile, we’re also going to have to deal with KL taxi drivers and their sour faces and their “Tak mahu pegi sana. Jam la”, “Mahu pegi Puduraya dari Jalan Petaling ah? RM30.00 la. Takda meter.” And this time I won’t blame them.

On page N6 some big shot has called for a study on the impact of the fuel price increase. Another study. How many millions will that take out of the savings from reduced fuel subsidies? Dunno. Don’t care also. Must study what.

Apply for fleet card, transport operators urged wor. That story is on page N6. Apparently, they get a discount on diesel. But “HULLO” shouldn’t this have been put in place before the increase? While at it, what about the above mentioned taxi flers? Petrol and gas prices go up by 20% but their meter rate is still the same? So how to put smiles on taxi drivers faces for the tourists? Okay la, we shall think about increasing your meter rate but in the meantime you just continue fleecing tourists and pissing off locals lor. After all that is part of our Malaysian mystique ma.

Ho hum!

Wait, a nightmarish thought just struck me. What if they lumped that proposed multi-billion Ringgit crooked bridge to nowhere under public transportation system? Oh NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Okay, okay....calm down now. What's the worse that can happen? Withdraw some more subsidy lor. Then how? Change your lifestyle la. You deaf ah?

The Ugly Malaysian

2006-02-28T20:16:00.000+08:00

(Photo taken from African Safari Journals. Any resemblance to any Malaysians living or dead is purely coincidental.)

While I was at a play rehearsal last night I received SMS's telling me that petrol and diesel prices were going up by 30 sen a litre from midnight. I wasn't too bothered as my car takes 30 litres to fill up the tank to the brim. Later, when I thought about it, "Wah! 30 sen per litre times 30 litres. That's RM9.00 man!" So after rehearsals finished I thought I would drive out of the KLPAC to the Caltex station that was on Ipoh Road. When I approached I was surprised that there didn't appear to be a queue. Eh? Malaysians getting so blase about these things meh? The mystery dissolved when I pulled into the station. The owner had put up barriers at each of the pumps. And although the station was still open they weren't allowing anyone to fuel up. It was 11.15 p.m. So I thought, "Fuck it! Bastards!" and went to the Sentul Curry House for supper with the other actors. When I drove home past the Esso and Shell stations that were on the way there were long queues of cars waiting to beat the midnight deadline. It was 11.58 p.m. I guess a lot of motorists in Ulu Klang paid the new price for their fuel.

Closing pumps so that you can make 30 sen more per litre from other Malaysians? Unethical. Un-neighbourly. Downright wrong. So Malaysian.

I am sure that all weary Malaysians are bracing themselves for the onslaught of price increases. And in case you didn't know Mr. Water Spray Mouth has already announced that power tariffs will go up later this year. Chances are that a lot of things will go up by 30 sen more a piece just because fuel is now 30 sen per litre more. Always like that, right? Coffee and tea at coffee shops and mamaks will go up. Food surely will go up a lot. Have to transport right? Transport means fuel, right?

I don't even want to begin to think about the shockwaves to come. I think I will go to the pub and have a few pints before the price of those go up too.

But before I go another thing I am going to drink about is this...

This morning I read the papers about the flood victims in Shah Alam. Of how mechanics and workshops were making a killing from repairing and towing stranded vehicles from the flood waters. Tow trucks charged up to RM300 per tow. Take it or leave it. The stories reminded me of times when I watched CNN and BBC TV reports of floods and other calamities in other parts of the world. And how people came out to help their fellow citizens. I wondered why there weren't any such stories in today's papers about Malaysians helping Malaysians. Just because it is the thing to do for friends, neighbours, fellow Malaysians. Not as a chance to make money.

Baarger! You crazy or what? Got chance make money donwan ah? Niamah!

A BIG Night Out

2006-02-27T15:48:00.000+08:00

(The Main entrance to The Starhill Gallery)

My wife and I went and had dinner at the Starhill Gallery. Other than having one of our rare nights out we had also seen the review of this Japanese restaurant which looked really interesting. The review was in The Star some time ago. The photos were really nice. Very trad Japanese yet a little avant garde in a way. So we made a mental note to go visit. Neither of us had really been to the newly remodelled Starhill Gallery. After a rather confusing search for the entrance to the car park which really didn't look like it belonged to a classy place like The Starhill Gallery, we parked our car in a rather drab and dirty looking bay and promptly went through the wrong door on our failed first attempt to find the floor where the restaurants were. On the second attempt we met this rather efficient and helpful security guard who guided us through a short corridor which would look more like a disused service entrance in Pertama Complex than the 5 star Starhill Gallery. Anyway, we ended up on the ground floor. Ah! There is a concierge counter with a very pleasant looking lady who looked Chinese. But when she spoke her Japanese parentage was very obvious. Class or what? Instead of a slurred "Can I hepshu?" now you get a slight bow and a toothy grin with real Japanese accented Engrish.

Me: Excuse me. May I know where is the Japanese restaurant?
Concierge lady: Solly, no Japanese lestaulant here.
Me: Huh?
Concierge lady: 5 revels up (pointing to the lift)
Me: Oh, 5 levels up?
Concierge lady: Yes. 5 revels up. laddish floor.
Me: Huh?
Concierge lady: Laddish floor. (seeing that I still had a puzzled expression she inhaled and said...) Radish floor. (that must have taken some effort knowing their problem with R's)
My wife: Let's take the lift.

So we walked to the bubble lift and entered. All the while I was thinking of reasons why someone would place a Japanese restaurant on the same floor that sold ladies apparel. "Laddish floor", right? No. Surely there would be no market at The Starhill Gallery selling radish.

Entering the lift we noticed that unlike other buildings lifts here did not designate floors with numbers. They used names. While I was stupidly looking for the Ladies floor my wife pointed to a lift button. "There it is", she exclaimed with confidence. And indeed there it was. The floor that the Japanese concierge lady had been trying to point me to....RELISH.

The Japanese restaurant, Gonbei is indeed very pleasant eye candy. Comfy. Spacious. A very nice mixture of traditional Japanese decor and modern design. Very attentive service staff who announce each guest's entry with a beat of the Japanese drum at the main door. But just so we knew we were eating in an authentic Japanese restaurant all the Japanese chefs retained their bored, disinterested expression the whole time we were there at a table right next to the sushi counter. But otherwise it was nice. Oh the food? It was forgettable. And pricey. So much so that I even forgot to take a photo of the place.

After dinner we walked around and eventually made our way back to the ground floor. We found Pak Loh Chiu Chow restaurant. Chiu Chow cuisine is something that is not very easily found in KL which seems too fond of Hong Kong Cantonese food. And as you know that is boring after attending your 68,000th wedding banquet. I went in and approached the Maitre 'D who was friendly. I asked about the Chiu Chow fare. His response was almost apologetic. Apparently, the restaurant is part of a chain from Hong Kong. And they didn't really serve 'real' Chiu Chow cuisine because the restaurant was "Halal" as were all the restaurant in the place. And we all know that Chiu Chow food without pork is like a long wank without orgasm. Well, so much for that potential gastronomic adventure.

But as this is Malaysia and so 'tolerance' for each other's religious and cultural differences can be confusing and contradictory. Just 10 feet across the aisle from the Chiu Chow restaurant was The Village Bar with it myriad selection of wines and spirits. Definitely non-Halal.

Some would celebrate this as our cultural diversity and say that this 'tolerance' is indeed what makes Malaysia, Truly Asia. I look at stuff like this and think that all of us Malaysians are not understanding, respecting and accepting each other's diversity and differences but instead 'tolerating' each other into cultural and racial oblivion.

The Village Bar. Middle Eastern lamps and lanterns. Alcohol by the gallons.

The Chiu Chow restaurant. Very classy. Chinese calligraphy. No pork.

Post script. The Village Bar is really good and cheap. A whiskey soda is RM11++. A bottle of Famous Grouse is RM250++. And they have a wide selection of good wines from Australia and Chile starting from RM50++ a bottle. Really good value with great attentive service and bar tenders who can chat as well as serve drinks. You can also order snacks or meals from the surrounding restaurants.

The High Cost Of Health Care in Malaysia

2006-02-22T13:25:00.000+08:00

(Laura's reaction to the bill at Gleneagles Intan's Fig Tree cafe)

We all know and we are constantly reminded by insurance companies that health care is expensive and getting more so by the day. Last week I got a rude shock that even visiting friends and family who are in need of health care can also be blaardy expensive.

I had to take my daughter to her paediatrician at the Gleneagles Intan hospital in Jalan Ampang. We hadn't had breakfast and while waiting for her turn we decided to go down to the cafe to get something to eat.

I had a bowl of the day's "special" (meaning that the ingredients were mostly yesterday's leftovers) which was curry laksa. My daughter had a bottle of pop. Total bill? RM19.32

The Chef's Special RM 9.50++
Snapple Arpicot/Orange Juice RM8.90++

Whew! For a while I thought I was in ....

2006-02-22T13:14:00.000+08:00

I am very thankful for whoever is responsible for my renewed confidence that I hadn't died and gone to heaven. For weeks I had been seeing squeaky clean RapidKL busses on the streets of Kuala Lumpur. Okay mainly just going round and round with empty bellies circling the Golden Triangle la. But they were all new and clean and ... so un-Malaysian leh.

But today I saw this and heaved a sigh of relief! I wonder what keeps some RapidKL busses so clean and 1st World and others so.......Ghana la. Ah! I know. Golden Triangle = tourists. So must present good image. Other RapidKL busses just ferry Malaysians to and from sweathouses what. So what they complaining about? They should be 'grateful'. Ah! There's that word again.

What To Do?

2006-02-15T14:50:00.000+08:00

(Adam looking resigned in the car)

I think that after years of breathing carbon monoxide and suffering high blood pressure, KLites have finally gotten used to traffic jams and accepted them as a way of life in this city. How did I come by this conclusion? Well, I was stuck in traffic for 2 hours last evening going from Ulu Klang to the KLPAC. A journey which normally in rush hour traffic would have taken me 45 minutes. Max. The reason, according to those LCD signboards, was a tree that had fallen over somewhere in Jalan Pahang which backed up traffic all over the city centre. For all of those 2 hours I sat in traffic I didn't hear a single horn blast, not a single "Niamah!" from any of the long-faced drivers on their way home to a cold dinner or to KLPAC for a rehearsal. As usual, inconsiderate drivers cut lanes, blocked exits, parked in yellow boxes. But none elicited any protest from the rest of the drivers silently suffering in their overheating vehicles.
When I was in front of the exit of the Renaissance Hotel a taxi and a Proton Perdana decided to cut into the lane going towards Jalan Sultan Ismail. Never mind that anyone could see that the lane was at a standstill and had been for more than 10 minutes. They decided that they would pull into the flow anyway and wait for the traffic to move. It didn't seem to disturb them at all that their action would mean that their vehicles would be parked inside the yellow box and that this would obstruct traffic streaming into Jalan Ampang from the opposite direction. So now there was grid lock in both directions. They sat there in the yellow box for almost 15 minutes while busses, trucks and cars and cap cai's manouvered their way around them.

And for the whole time this was going on all the gridlocked drivers just sat and watched. Silently. Without any visible signs of protest. Finally, after 15 minutes both vehicles decided that it was futile and reversed back into the hotel driveway. Presumably to find another way of exit. Or maybe to partake of the happy hours at the hotel bars.

Well, I guess this proves that some courtesy campaign directed at Malaysian drivers is bearing positive results. Yay! Malaysia Boleh.

Puteri Gunung Ledang - The Musical

2006-02-09T13:05:00.000+08:00

(Tiara Jacquelina as the Princess of Gunung Ledang. Photo taken from official website)

I went to watch Puteri Gunung Ledang - The Musical last night at the Istana Budaya. To be truthful I didn't go there with very high expectations after having had to endure the snail-paced film version of the story of eternal love. But I was very pleasantly surprised. I had a good time at the theatre last night. PGL The Musical was a flawed but enjoyable experience. At the end of the performance a large number of the audience got to their feet to give the cast a standing ovation. I didn't. I suspect that a lot of this was due to a sense of national pride that we can stage something like this. In the lobby after the show I met several people whose comments included the line, "Wah, damn good la. For a local production." I don't think I was affected by a sense of national pride. I just thought it was a good effort. Local or otherwise.

Last night's performance was plagued with technical glitches. The microphones worn by the performers kept going on and off. And the subtitles, scrolling on a suspended light screen over the stage, must have been operated by an illiterate moron. Sometimes the subtitles would race ahead of the dialogue and sometimes it would lag behind by whole paragraphs. It sometimes felt like a badly dubbed South American soap opera.

Overall it was a very tentative performance. It was the second performance night so the infamous dreaded 2nd night gremlins must have been present on stage with the actors. Early on in the first act Tiara Jacquelina's microphone fell silent at a crucial moment just before she was to break into song. Thankfully, the experience of Sukania Venugopal saved the day when she ushered the princess offstage to 'prepare' while she coached the court dancers. Because this was Malaysia a technician in tee shirt and jeans was seen coming out on stage right gesturing and talking into his walkie-talkie. As you can imagine all these technical cock-ups did nothing to calm the noticeably nervous cast.

Despite the problems the cast did a credible job. Tiara Jacquelina was great as the Puteri. AC Mizal was wonderful to watch as the Majapahit King. Sukania Venugopal as Bayan was skillfully stunning. Adlin Aman Ramlie reprised his film role as Sultan Mahmud and he was...well he's fixed his teeth since the film. But the most watchable of the evening were the incredibly engergetic members of the ensemble. The girls especially just too my breath away. Yes, they were beautiful too.

Okay, okay, so where was Hang Tuah in all of this? In this production the hero was played by Stephen Rahman-Hughes. Frankly, this Hang Tuah had about as much stage presence as a can of tuna. And that's not saying much for the fish. I was dissappointed. Especially since I'd read all the blurb leading up to this. Broadway star, hunk, singer, choreographer etc. etc. Something should have warned me because prior to entering the theatre when I mentioned how handsome Stephen Rahman-Hughes looks all the women around me went, "Handsome? No lah." And when he came on stage I must admit that I had obviously seen something in the publicity photos that were results of extensive post production. As the show went on Rahman-Hughes showed that he had the body language of a limp eel. He also was obviously scared of heights. In all the scenes with the Puteri up on the 20 ft. stage "Ledang" you could almost see him shake. Can this boy act? I don't think so. I could not believe that his Hang Tuah was capable of love much less the eternal variety. I could believe that Tiara as the Princess was smitten and loved Hang Tuah to death. But this Hang Tuah might just be capable of falling in love with a plate of bangers and mash.

Dick Lee's formulaic music was adequate to stir up feelings of nationalistic pride. Nothing more. Part of it reminded me of something that came on when the kids turned on their DVD of Pocahontas.

Raja Maliq's set was innovative but got a little boring after a while.

I had a good evening of entertainment at Puteri Gunung Ledang - The Musical. And I would recommend that you go watch PGL-The Musical too. It won't be a waste of your time or money.

Show and ticket details:-

Dates	February 7 & 8 – Previews @ 8.30pm RM30 (Student, veteran, disabled) February 9 to 26 – Show Dates @ 8.30pm (normal price) February 12, 19 & 26 – Matinees @ 3.00pm (normal price)
Tickets	RM150, RM100, RM70, RM50 & RM30
Venue	Istana Budaya, Kuala Lumpur
Box Office	03-4026 5558
Booking Website	www.ticket2u.biz
Tickets available at Istana Budaya, Kuala Lumpur. For more information, please call/fax ticket2u.biz at 03-4026 5558 Email: production@enfiniti.com.my or visit www.pglthemusical.com.my

You Sure Or Not

2006-02-09T01:45:00.000+08:00

Afdlin Shauki's BULI BALIK grossed RM2 million in 10 days and shows no sign of stopping! That surely must be a Malaysian record. Syabas to Afdlin who continues to scale new heights.

I was privileged to be in both BULI and BULI BALIK. The character I played, Tan Sri Michael of Michaelsoft, became quite popular with audiences when he first appeared in BULI..."Lu jangan main gua punya hati ah. Saya anak yatim tahu?"...and so Afdlin wrote him into the sequel as well. This time, Tan Sri Michael, after handing over the reins of Michaelsoft to his trusted partner (Nordin, played by Afdlin Shauki), indulges in his favorite hobby. Singing. And because he has loads of money he makes a music video of 'his' song "You Sure Or Not?" The producers of BULI BALIK used clips of the music video to promote the film on television. And since it aired I have been stopped by strangers who all give me big smiles and say, "You sure or not?". Many friends who have seen in on TV and in the film have been asking where and how they can watch it again. So here it is. If you like the music video go watch the movie. Again. Thank you.

Here's the link

The Homecoming - Coming Soon.

2006-02-07T17:11:00.000+08:00

Here is the poster for The Homecoming. A KLPAC production directed by Gavin Yap. It's the best poster I've seen come out of KLPAC or for that matter from The Actors Studio. So, I thought I'd post it here and see if anyone of you like it too. Please don't be shy to post comments here, okay? And do go check out The Homecoming production diary here.

Not to go into too much detail, The Homecoming by Nobel prize winner, Harold Pinter is about Power and manipulation as seen through the eyes and experiences of a really F**Ked up family. After watching this play you will fall on your knees and give thanks for the family you've got. Gavin says that people will leave the theatre and go straight home to give their mom's, dad's, brothers and sisters a hug. Now that's a good enough reason to go watch a play isn't it?

Ha Ha Dai Siew (Barrel of Laughs)

2006-02-05T15:54:00.000+08:00

(Adam - Wake me when this nightmare is over.)

I don’t usually buy two English language newspapers a day. I always figured it was a waste of money. But last Friday while waiting for my doctor’s appointment I did what I usually would not. And I didn’t regret it. There was so much to read in both papers that was so funny. So frighteningly funny.

The front page of The Star screamed, “OCPDs on course”. Initially, I thought that for once those boys in blue had done something right. No such luck. These flers were going to be sent on a human rights training seminar! Huh???!!!

That’s right. Apparently, in the light of what had happened in the last few months someone had thought it appropriate to use public funds on this ‘training’.

The story continued on page 4 and it detailed what this training was about.

The OCPD’s were going to attend talks on human rights declarations and Syariah Law.

They will be briefed about proper arrest procedures (such as how, why and when an arrest is made)

They will attend a lecture on proper search procedures and types of searches.

They will be taught better interpersonal and public relations skills.

At first glance you might say, “Eh! Good what.” But think about it. These people are OCPD’s which for the ill-informed among you stands for Officer- in-charge of Police District. These are fairly senior police officers. Leaders. Not your cap cai riding mata-mata you know. And if they are OCPD’s shouldn’t they have already been trained in all of the above before being let loose on poor unsuspecting (no pun intended) Malaysians?

Doesn’t it make you wonder what crap they are churning out of the Police academy? An OCPD has to attend training to know how, when and why to make an arrest?

There is a bit in the Star’s story that says that the course includes training on ethics, languages, leadership, forensics, and primary policing skills. What???!!! OCPD’s without or lacking in primary policing skills? What the fuck were they doing there in the first place?

Funny or not?

Then of course there is the story about those bald headed geriatrics that has the whole country talking. If you’ve been hibernating, these 11 fellas, mostly old baargers in their 60’s, 50’s and late 40’s were having a game of mahjong in their favorite kopitiam. It was Chinese New Year and a game of mahjong among friends is quite fun isn’t it? Enter the men in blue. They arrest all the alleged gamblers who claim they were just having a bit of Chinese New Year fun and were playing with chips and not cash. All the old guys get carted off to the lockup where they were stripped, albeit just to their underwear (what a sight that must have been. From Calvin Kleins to Ah Pek boxers for sure). And then they got their heads shaved bald. Why? Well, according to Kajang OCPD, Asst. Comm. Mohd. Noor Hakim (he should definitely go for the course mentioned above), he was just following the standard lock-up rule which stated that “hair must be cut short”. Really? Then how come all those arrested for drink driving, suspicion of drug abuse, those illegal Guest Relation Officers (GRO’s) etc. never had their hair cut? Was it just some bored mata-mata in Kajang who felt scissor-happy that day? And today it was reported that the Kajang OCPD fler said, “Under Section 9a of the Lock-Up rules, we can shave a detainee’s head bald, so we are just exercising whatever the law required us to do.” So the law requires it but they practise selective barbering issit? Boy! Those old geezers must have done something to piss off somebody in Kajang.

To top it off, somebody on the Net today wrote to say that something similar was done to a couple of Malaysians by the Singapore police some years ago. And he was chuffed that Malaysians, particularly the Opposition make any noise then. So what are you trying to say, buddy? That whatever shit happens here we are at least better off than...Ghana?

Then somebody in Subang Jaya operates an illegal disco that’s been raided more than 25 times. For all we know he’s still got a full head of hair. The funny bit about this story is that the Subang Jaya Council President said, “We have known about the activities of the outlet and on the advise of the police we sent out a notice to the outlet in 2004 asking the owners to close it down for flouting licensing and entertainment outlets regulations.”

Hello! Very funny la. Some old guys having a game of mahjong get thrown in jail and have their heads shaved while somebody who openly operates an illegal business gets a note in the mail???!!! Malaysia Boleh man!

(Today’s Star on page 3 showed a photo of the ‘billionaire’ who’s been grabbing headlines in recent weeks. He’s been in the lock-up, hasn’t he? Far as I can see he’s still got a full head of hair. Why? I know. He’s a foreigner and we’re always nicer to pelancung-pelancung to our truly Asian country, right?)

On page 15 of The Star is a story that could have been tragically hilarious. The police flers (their marine cousins this time) in Pangkor arrested some guys for using a condemned ferry to transport passengers during the holiday period. Hey guys, while you’re at it tell your city relatives to check on those ex-Mini Bas’s that are being used to ferry school children around. A coat of yellow paint does not make decrepit vehicles safe.

Hiyah! The reputation and public confidence in the boys in blue has really gone to the dogs. No, wait a minute. With due respect to canines we shall change that to “The reputation and public confidence in the boys in blue has really gone down the toilet.” Wait a few days. I’m sure it will be flushed down further. Xin Nien Quai Le (happy new year) guys.

The NST Friday had this scarily funny headline story. YOU MAY HAVE TO PAY. It seems that the Transport Ministry is proposing that car manufacturers and importers be required to pay RM100 for every vehicle sold. Of course, the car people are saying that they may have to pass on the cost to … you guessed it … the consumer.

Seems that this money is to go into a road safety fund called The Road Safety Trust. And that the money would be “used to conduct road safety campaigns.” If these campaigns are like what I’ve seen on TV the past few years and on those bad billboards with the typical government/Filem Negara look I am going to be pissed if I am asked to pay. Anyway, I digress. So just what is this Road Safety Trust and what exactly will it do that will convince us that the money will do some good? But…the Transport Minister in typical minister M.O. continued by saying that he “would make an announcement later.” What the !@#$%$^^%*(&*{)&(_!!! If you’re not going to give us details then why did you open your mouth in the first place? Your speech writer on Chinese New Year leave ah, Yang Berhormat? Nothing else to say ah? Then this YB goes on to say that this type of contribution schemes has been successful in many developed countries. Sure, that’s probably because they planned and tested everything before tokking kok and taking money from their citizens. Take some lessons from that before you choke on your own shoe leather, YB.

On page N10 of The Star, Saturday it was announced that the viaduct at MRR2 was to be closed for repair works. It was found to have cracks and would be closed for 3 to 4 months. The closure was to enable repair, waterproofing and reinforced steel strengthening works . This was announced by the Works Minister, Samy Vellu. This YB also said that the decision was made by none other than the Prime Minister. Okay. But what bothered me was that weeks ago the minister also said that the viaduct was perfectly safe for traffic. So why now? Why the sudden scramble to close it for repairs? And if was not safe why was it not closed for repairs when the discovery was made? Like millions of other Malaysians I can only shake my head in disbelief at this seemingly nonchalant approach to what could potentially have been a tragic catastrophe. Also I sigh a big sigh of relief that the damn thing didn’t collapse when I was driving on it.

Okay while all this grumbling was happening here my 20 year old refrigerator decided to give up the ghost. With all the Chinese New Year leftovers and stockpiled marketing in the freezer this is a crisis situation. So I shall leave you to mull over the daily comedy in our lives here in Bolehland while I go out to battle the traffic (avoiding the viaduct on the MRR2 of course) and make my way to an electrical goods retailer who will hopefully give me some very un-Malaysian service. Meaning GOOD service. Wish me luck.

Half Naked Virgin

2006-02-03T14:07:00.000+08:00

Wanna see Gavin Yap half naked? Go to his virgin blogsite and record your impassioned pleas. Stranger things have happened when Malaysians thrust their hands out. The URL is here ...

The Homecoming Diaries

The Homecoming Diaries? Maybe Gavin has been a blogger in his previous life and is returning or he is referring to the Harold Pinter play he is directing for KLPAC.

(Photo of actor Ari Ratos on a whitening cream regime doing an impression of Gavin Yap - some people have said this is the best acting he's ever done. It is not true.)

God or Religion?

2006-02-01T22:17:00.000+08:00

(Photo taken from http://www.waxy.org/random/images/weblog/gay_satan.jpg)

"God offered us TRUTH.
Satan organised religion."

I was at a Chinese New Year open house this afternoon and overheard the above comment which I thought I would share with all of you. Let me know what you think.

Sadly, I think Satan is winning this thing.

Gong Xi Fa Cai, Koong Hei Fatt Choy, Keong Hee Huat Chai, Selamat Tahun Baru Cina...

2006-01-28T13:41:00.000+08:00

Here's the Teoh's, Min, Laura, Adam and me, wishing all of you and yours a happy new year. May the Year of The Dog bring much joy, good health, much prosperity to the citizens of Planet Earth.

Here's my wish list for the Year Of The Dog...

That all Malaysians will be just that. Not Malay, Chinese, Indian. Muslim, Christian, Buddhist or Hindu.
That we stop just tolerating each other and instead understanding, accept and cherish each other's diversity.
That we halt our headlong dive into mediocrity and rise to the nation's call to raise truly towering Malaysians. And oh yes, that we finally understand what a towering Malaysian should be.
That we become truly proud of our work, our communities, our country, ourselves.
That we stop breaking dubious records which make us the butt of jokes in the world community.
That we finally learn how to keep public toilets clean.
That we learn to stop driving like we have spare lives in our bedside drawers.
That our politicians and law makers stop treating us like little children not able to think for ourselves.
That we realise that the "Malaysia" in the slogan Kerana Mu Malaysia is not Pak Lah, Najib, Samy Vellu, Ong Ka Ting or anybody else but US.
That we shall finally try to make a difference in the place we call home, Malaysia.

Damn Scary Lah!

2006-01-27T11:13:00.000+08:00

On page 5 of today's STAR there is a story which sent shivers down my spine when I read it. What is this? Ths Star is becoming more scary than a Stephen King novel la.

The story is headlined "Green light for scenic bridge". It has been announced that RM2billion is going to be spent on building this scenic bridge. But the most frightening revelation came from the mouth of our Deputy Prime Minister when he was quoted as saying, “If the negotiations are not successful, the bridge will become a half-bridge or scenic bridge".

Spend RM2 billion on building a half-bridge or scenic bridge???!!! Why? A scenic bridge? What the F**K is that? People will drive on it to take in the view and take photographs?

Maybe there is some good political or economic reason for doing this but we the tax-payers would appreciate knowing what the reasons are for spending 2 billion Ringgit.

Wait a minute, the DPM made this announcement when he was at the ground breaking ceremony for a bio-diesel factory. Remember, this was the same guy who sanctioned the Malaysian 'expedition' to drape a giant Malaysian flag over the Great Pyramid of Giza.

So perhaps it was just gas.

Blogging As An Art Form?

2006-01-27T09:49:00.000+08:00

(Poster courtesy of lecram sinun)

Do you think Blogging is an art form? My friend, Marcel thinks it is or can be. And he's doing something interesting to explore and raise awareness to this addictive online phenomenon. This will happen at The Rogue an annual festival celebrating independent performance and art in Fresno, California. Go check out the website or go check out The Rogue in person if you're in Fresno or anywhere near. Wouldn't it be great if our National Art Gallery flers can do something like this? Ah well.

For a full explanation of how Marcel and his blogger friends put this together go here... HNT@The Rogue

Maybe someone here in Malaysia would like to start something similiar too? Boleh!

Be Afraid....... Be Very Afraid.

2006-01-26T17:08:00.000+08:00

Five-day week for banks

KUALA LUMPUR: Banks will implement a five-day working week from Feb 1 in a bid to encourage electronic banking and give bank employees more time off.

Did this headline story in today's Star newspaper scare you? If you're a consumer it should have frightened the shit out of you. I am very scared. It's not so much the 5-day work week but the line that says this action is to 'encourage electronic banking...' . Remember when they told us that ATM machines were put out there so that banking would be made more convenient for us? What happened later? They began charging us for transactions made using ATM's!!! Did we ask for ATM's? So now banks pay us shit for interest on our hard earned money which we give them to safeguard and use for investments. Soon they are going to want us to pay THEM money to keep OUR money. What is it coming to? So with this 5-day work week, which they say is also so that their staff can have more time off, is going to save them money. No offices open so save on power bills and overtime pay, right? Great. Just don't charge me money when I am "encouraged" to do my banking using ATM's because Saturdays are the only days that my work will allow me to do my banking chores.

Another similiar thing happened when Selangor declared itself a developed state HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA...oh sorry ah, I couldn't help laughing. Now folks in parts of Petaling Jaya, which surely must be the jewel in the developed state's crown, are being asked to pay hugely increased rates for their properties. For what?

Hello! You don't read the papers issit? You're paying for the privilege of living in a developed state ma.

The way things are happening if you didn't get more than the usual 5-8% increment in your salary this year I am so sorry for you la. It ain't going to be a very Fa Cai Year of the Dog for you la.

Actually, you'll soon start feeling like a dog though. And as you know Malaysia has never been a dog friendly country.

MyKad SchmyKad!

2006-01-24T13:08:00.000+08:00

(Adam showing that he's got the pre-requisite look for work in a government office)

How many of you have done the change over to MyKad? If you're a typical Malaysian I would say not many:-) Actually, those flers who went to queue up to beat the December 31 deadline must have really kicked themselves hard afterwards. Waffor ah? Especially since the fee chargeable after the deadline was only RM10 which in itself is something that we should ask somebody about. Why is something mandatory chargeable? We didn't ask for the change. And we all need to do the change over eventually or face some sort of action from the kerajaan. So why should we have to pay for it? I mean a passport is optional so having to pay makes sense. But pay for a mandatory ID card? Will they eventually charge someone for death certificates? Hey man, I didn't ask to die. Also have to pay ah?
Anyway, the conclusion to my MyKad experience. I went to collect my new card on December 19 although the receipt I was given when I made the application in November clearly stated that it would be 3 months before the new card would be ready. But one day out of boredom I visited the JPN website to do a check. Lo and behold my number was there! Meaning that I could collect my card. If I had adhered to the instructions on the receipt I would have waited and by the time I went to collect I would have missed the collection deadline and had to pay a fine! Ah...Malaysian efficiency again! And so I went to Maju Junction and the first thing that confronted me at the front door was this.....
This sign told me 2 things. 1) that I was indeed at a Malaysian government office. Why? A4 size paper notice stuck up with Cello tape, slightly dog-eared. 2) Niamah! What the hell is a MAYKAD??? 3) HABIS!!!!! Habis, tutup, tea break they all mean the same thing at a Malaysian government office. "We're not interested in serving you so F*** off."
If you still have geographical problems identifying Malaysian government offices here are more clues to look out for next time....

The perpetual state of the "reception counter"- un-manned, unwelcoming. Selamat Datang to Bolehland.

More...

The state of most government office reception counters.

"Jangan menulis Di Sini!!! Buang sampah boleh."

And what visit to a Malaysian government office would be complete without admiring the high level of maintenance practised at these facilities....

Anyway, I digress. Collection of my MyKad was a fairly painless process. Got my nombor giliran from the counter for collecting nombors for collection of MyKad's. There is a different counter for nombors for applications for MyKad. Dunno know why. This time there is no distinction between the warga emas/kurang upaya folks and the ordinary people. Same stand up queue. Thankfully the wait was short and in no more than 20 minutes I was the proud owner of the new hi-tech MyKad. That it was already slightly warped I overlooked. Because after all this is Malaysia. What? Want perfection issit? Emigrate la. MY cynicism got the better of me and I just had to find the card reading machine and see for myself what this hi-tech piece of plastic with the 'smart' chip really contained. Found the machine, in a sorry state of disrepair hung on a corner of the Pemohonan section. Stuck the card in and got a replica image on the monitor. 3 clicks of the mouse showed me that the smart chip contained all the information that was on my old NRIC. Name, address, date of birth etc. In addition it had images of the info page of my passport and an image of my driving licence. That was it! I stood wondering what the purpose of the change over was since there was nothing much new that wasn't in the old NRIC. Never mind la. It was free what.
And then ah...those government flers sure place a high priority on courtesy in their work. High priority that is if you're no taller than an ant la...at the Maju Junction JPN when they wish you Selamat Jalan it is a warning.
On the way out, I noticed a great example of ingenius Malaysian entrepreneurial innovation. There was a 'stall' set up in the car park to sell......CONDOMINIUMS!!!
Got your new MyKad already. Want to buy a condo?
Do Malaysians shop for real estate in car parks and in supermarket lobbies? There must be Malaysians with RMmillions to burn because these instant sales offices are sprouting all over the place.
Oh, the couple manning the condo sales stand didn't give me a second glance. I guess experience has taught how them to identify the baargers with no money. Niamah!

Here's another story. I recently travelled to Singapore with my family. While there we enjoyed most of all the efficiency and admired the pride that those island flers have in themselves, their work and their tiny little city state. But as soon as we got back across the 2nd Link to Bolehland...Bang! It just hits one straight in the face. Pride? What is that?

Patriotism? Treason? What would you call using the National Flag as a notice board? I'd just call it "Aiyah! Never mind lah"-ism.

And it doesn't stop there either. Right next to the Jalur Gemilang notice board are the mandatory bad photos of the Agung and Permaisuri Agung. And just to give it a touch of 'class' someone in his bushjacketed wisdom has approved a RM2.00 polystyrene cut-out sign attached to the wall with double sided tape. To tell the world how proud we are of our country. Look at the picture and weep. Yes, we are still very much a 3rd World country.

Okay lah. Just to end this blog on a lighter note. While in Singapore I did discover something really gross that no Malaysian would ever allow.

Pre-packed, clinically clean TV dinners of Hainanese Chicken Rice. With soup some more. You just tear off the plastic cover, stick it in the microwave for 3 minutes and it's ready to eat! It tasted like ...... well really bad lah. I guess some things are better in a 3rd World country.

"I love Malaysia because the food here is the best"...Malaysian teenager in Sungai Wang Plaza.

GONG XI FA CAI to all my friends and visitors to Tokkok. Have a safe, healthy, productive and prosperous year ahead.

Sneak Preview of BULI BALIK

2006-01-20T01:49:00.000+08:00

STOP PRESS!!!

Special preview of BULI BALIK for kodoks and blog readers

25th January, 2006

The screening will be at 10:00 am (that's the only time that has been made available to us by the cinemas, so DO WHAT U HAVE TO DO) at TGV One Utama (OLD WING)

There are VERY LIMITED SEATS for the SNEAK PREVIEW (220 to be exact) and you must send an email to sultanmuzaffar@gmail.com to confirm your seats. The ticket price is 10 ringgit and there will be a bunch of BULIBALIK and KODOK goodies to snap up there as well.

Visit www.BULIBALIK.com

Happy New Year. Issit? Maybe? Hope So

2006-01-17T13:53:00.001+08:00

(Adam contemplating what's to come in 2006)

Wow! It’s been more than a month since I last updated this blog. Aiyoh! So sorry lah all those of you who have been visiting regularly despite that fact. Thank you so much for being so supportive. Why have I neglected to update the blog? Well, it is a combination of so many reasons la. I have been a busy boy the last few months of 2005. Also I have been laughing so hard at so many tragically funny things happening in Bolehland that it was hard to stop and come sit in front of the pc. The last big laugh of 2005 of course was the unashamedly stupid ‘expedition’ to drape a giant Malaysian flag over the Great Pyramid at Giza! Did you all remember to send thank you cards to the Deputy Prime Minister, the Selangor State Government and the ex-servicemen’s association for their valiant attempts to continuously provide us Malaysians with egg on our faces?

Oh before I forget, Happy New Year to everyone. Here’s wishing all of you a happy, safe, productive, healthy and prosperous 2006. There are so many things to look forward to in the Year Of The Dog.

The independent inquiry into the nude ear squat incident has been presented to the King and the Prime Minister. Now to see if we ordinary people get to find out what actually happened in that cell. But I would suggest that we don’t hold our breath la. As usual, I think if there was indeed any controversy the report would not be made public. And the usual reason would be doled out. It would pose a danger to public security or racial harmony or any one of dozens of stock reasons in the home ministry’s libraries. And if it was released we would probably find it to be some edited and boring document which would pale in comparison to what we can read on the Internet.

(Photo from The Star 17-01-2006)

In K.L. the spanking new Rapid KL (don’t you just love it when they really rub it in eh?) are quite a sight to behold on city streets. There are promises of regular and efficient services for the long suffering commuters of the capital city. And at RM2 for a whole day pass it seems like a real bargain. Now we shall wait and see if Rapid KL lives up to its name. Or wait for the day, which may not be too long coming, when we shall begin to see those new busses belching black smoke, bearing marks of disrepair and poor maintenance. In other words looking the way any old Malaysian busses should look. And eventually going back to being irregular and inefficient. We can only live in hope.

(Update: Today, January 18, 2006 I spotted the first NEW rapid KL bus that’s been Malaysianised. It had the rapid KL brochure and bus route map stuck up next to the entry and exit doors. Just 2 brochures that were not meant for that purpose stuck to the glass with strips of sticky tape. Very Malaysian.)

Okay, okay……Patrick please stop griping.

(BULI Balik poster courtesy of Afdlin Shauki’s blog)

Okay some better things to talk about. Afdlin Shauki’s sequel to his box office hit of 2005, BULI, titled BULI BALIK hits the screens on January 26, 2006. I had the privilege to see the preview of the movie with members of the media last week and all I can say is that you should go see it when it opens. It is a film that’s funny, provocative, intelligent. And it is SOOOOOOOOOO different from Malaysian mainstream movies that have been churned out over the years like so much popcorn. Afdlin is a genius.
Oh ya, BULI BALIK is probably the only chance you will get to see Patrick Teoh singing in a music video. Remember, BULI BALIK. Opening January 26 at a cineplex near you.

*** There is a special preview on January 25 at 10.30 a.m. @ TGV 1 Utama, for Afdlin’s kodoks. Tickets are still RM10 but you get to watch BULI BALIK one day earlier than anyone and you get to meet members of the cast too. BE THERE!

For updates on Afdlin's latest film project Sumo La visit http://afdlinshauki.blogspot.com

2005 Chinese Theatre Awards

The first week of 2006 I received a phone call informing me that I had been nominated for Best Actor in the 2005 Chinese Theatre Awards. The news almost floored me. Me? A Chinese language theatre award? Turned out to be true. The nomination was for a play I did in 2005 titled Chup! Take A Break. We Are Family. The title refers to the latest in a series of plays produced by Need Entertainment and directed by Ling Tang. Actually the show was a compendium of 4 little playlets. I acted in 3 of them. In Cantonese! In the first I played a chauvinistic pig of a husband who’s taught a few lessons by his hitherto submissive wife (Nell Ng) who is magically transformed into a self-confident modern day woman by the neighbour who is a witch. In the second I played a single father sending off his son to university in Singapore and finding it too hard to express what is in his heart. The need to hug is hindered by the need to preserve traditional decorum. In the third, a classic Chinese folk tale about filial piety, I played a son to 2 aging parents. The interesting thing was that my ‘parents’ were played by 2 actors who were young enough to be MY children. I remember that it was great fun working with the production cast and crew and the nomination was a bonus. Ha? Of course I didn’t win la. The award went to a most brilliant actor named Berg Lee who played my son in James Lee’s The Beautiful Washing Machine. My friend, Nell Ng was nominated for the Best Actress Award. It was sort of a first in the Chinese Theatre Awards' 5 year history because I think it was the first time that actors from English language theatre have been nominated. I am honoured.

Going slightly off track now.....

Actually I have never won an award in my life. The best I have always managed is second prize la. It started back in school. The first contest I entered was an inter-school Shakespeare Declamation Contest. This simply meant that we stood on stage and recited speeches from Shakespearean plays. I did fairly well in the contest and managed to reach the inter-school finals. I lost to Mano Maniam of the Anglo Chinese School who recited the Mark Antony speech from Julius Caesar… “Friends, Romans, countrymen…”. I recited the famous Shylock speech from The Merchant Of Venice… “If you prick us do we not bleed?…” So I got Second Prize which was a volume of the complete works of William Shakespeare. Mano's first prize was an English dictionary! Then when I started working as a radio announcer in Rediffusion (the great grandfather of Red 104.9 FM today) I was entered in an international disc jockey contest. It was for DJ’s of the various Rediffusion stations around the world which meant mostly stations in the West Indies, Africa and Singapore and Malaysia. Guess what? I won second place too. No prize though. Didn’t even get a congratulatory message from the management of my own station. Eh? Why and how did the blog turn this way ah? Sorry about that.

(Poster courtesy of Afdlin Shauki)

More good news for movie fans. Baik Punya Cilok written and directed by Afdlin Shauki has taken 2.6 million at the box office. According to Afdlin’s blog the producers think that the film will NOT go far beyond 2.75 million which is Pontianak Harum Sundal 2’s box office record. I saw the first Pontianak film by Suhaimi Baba and I honestly think that it cannot come close to Cilok’s appeal. If you have not seen Baik Punya Cilok go watch it soon. If you have seen it go watch it again. And again. Let’s show the producers and exhibitors of Malaysian films that we know Yusuf Haslam formula films are now totally NOT COOL!

And finally, this is the way I will look for the first quarter of 2006. I am playing Sam in Harold Pinter’s The Homecoming directed by Gavin Yap for the KLPAC in March. Gavin, wants the ‘familiar’ faces in his cast, Thor Kah Hoong, Ben Tan and me, to look ‘different’. So here I am, a Chinaman trying his best to grow some facial hair:-) Hahahahaha.........HAPPY NEW YEAR!

Nell Bares All!!!

2005-12-09T14:59:00.000+08:00

(photo courtesy Christina and Isma)

That's right Nell takes it all off. All her inhibitions. Her fears. She lays bare on stage... her immense comic talent.

That got your attention? With a babe like Nell and the kings of comedy, Afdlin Shauki, Harith Iskander and Jit Murad PLUS Rashid Salleh, Ida Nerina and Gavin Yap how can you not want to buy a ticket and be part of the fun......

End the year with a blast! For an evening of comedy improv from Malaysia's best entertainers, comes Actorlympics! at the Actors Studio@BSC - Malaysia's version of "Whose Line Is It Anyway?"

Actorlympics! is a test of skills for the players, all of whom rely on the wit and demands of the audience to push themselves to the limits of Improvisational performance!

Watch crusty old veterans pitch their talents against newbie upstarts, playing theatresports games - inluding old favourites like the freeze game, censorship game and line in a bucket, as well as new games like the ting game, bocelli, music video and the like.

Audience members stand a chance to win prizes every night! Look out for our special ticket offer for two and special time of 5pm for the new year weekend shows (sat/sun). Hope to see you there! Book early to avoid disappointment!

Call for ticket promotions.
Date: 28 to 30 December 2005 @ 8.30PM
31 Dec 2005 & 1 Jan 2006 @ 5PM
Price: RM45 RM40 RM80 RM70,
RM20 (Students)

William Shakespeare's "Julius Caesar"

2005-12-02T13:24:00.000+08:00

(Photo of Patrick Teoh as Cassius and Amsalan Dooraisingam as Messala....."Caesar, thou art revenged; even with the sword that killed thee."_Photo courtesy of Isma

"Julius Caesar" opens tonight at the Kuala Lumpur Performing Arts Centre at 8.30 p.m. The play will run until December 11 nightly at 8.30 p.m. except for Sundays when it starts at 3 p.m. Come and see it. There is no show on Monday.

The show on December 6 is for students and there are limited FREE tickets available for 'deserving' students.

If you scored 27 A1's in your last exam....
If you're dyslexic....
If you can prove that the pocket money your dad gives you does not amount to RM40 per annum....
If you can convince us that you will fail your Literature paper if you don't see this show....
If you can still fit into your primary school uniform....
If you can describe in vivid details your last wet dream about Gavin Yap....

Give Faridah Merican (Executive Producer) a call at the KLPAC ( 03 4047 9010).
Or leave a note here.

Yesterday, a deejay on Lite N' Easy while promoting Julius Caesar and giving away tickets to the show refered to Julius Caesar as a CONCERT at the KLPAC! So maybe if you exercise your imagination real hard you can even hear some rap when Gavin Yap as Antony speechifies....."Friends, Romans, countrymen.....

ET TU, BRUTE!

Julius Caesar

2005-11-21T15:30:00.001+08:00

(Photo of Patrick Teoh as Cassius - the bad guy. Courtesy of Living Arts Malaysia

"Hail Caesar!"....."Beware the Ides of March"...."Friends, Romans, countrymen; lend me your ears..."......"Upon what meat doth this our Caesar feed that he is grown so great?"....."Et Tu Brute?"...........

That's some of the stuff that's been keeping me busy the past few weeks without time to blog. Trying to remember lines from Shakespeare at my age is getting increasingly difficult:-)

Yes, it has been a long time since this blog has been updated. But I trust that some of us have been having some fun reminiscing of the good old days. And from the number of comments received it is obvious there were quite a few of those good old days to remember. Thank you for the memories.

The reason for my forced blog silence is "Julius Caesar", the play. I have been busy rehearsing for the play which opens December 2 at the KLPAC (Kuala Lumpur Performing Arts Centre for you flers less informed).

This production of one of William Shakespeare most well known tragedies is being staged as the KLPAC end of year production and promises to be a jolly good show. Damn good and enjoyable la in other words.

I am playing my dream role of Cassius, one of the conspirators....."...yon Cassius has a lean and hungry look..." Okay, okay, I can hear some of you laughing already. "Patrick Teoh lean and hungry look ah? Where got?". But this is theatre ma. So sometimes you have to suspend your disbelief a bit la:-) Since my secondary school days I have dreamed of playing the role of Cassius which I think is the most interesting character in the play. Okay lah so most people remember Antony's "Friends, Romans, countrymen....lend me your ears" speech most of all. But it is Cassius who has the most juicy lines in the play. And it is always more interesting to play the 'bad guy' than the hero.

Okay, okay, the plain truth is that I am using this blog to do some unashamed promoting of the play la.

Please help to spread the word to all your friends.

Come and watch a damn good show.

I know it is Shakespeare. And some of you baargers will be scared. Aiyoh! Cannot understand la. The Engrand very deep la. I got tickets for Harry Potter la. Thousand and one excuses la. But it is only going to be 90 minutes long and I promise that you won't have a dull moment.

Then ah....also can see the beautiful Samantha Schubert as Portia.

The recurring wet dream of Malaysian teenaged girls, Gavin Yap.

The ever delightful Ari Ratos.

And other new faces never before seen on the Malaysian stage. Some of you have been complaining about seeing the same old baargers on stage, right? So this time you can see some new ones. So no excuses ya? Come lah. Dates and ticket information can be found below.

(Poster courtesy of Living Arts Malaysia)

Starring.....

Ari Ratos as Brutus
Patrick Teoh as Cassius
Gavin Yap as Marc Antony
Kennie Dowle as Caesar
Clare Dedic as Calphurnia
Samantha Schubert as Portia
Kurt Crocker as Casca

With......

Colin Kirton, Pavanjeet Singh, Roshan Narayan, Calvyn Wong, Michael Chen and Amsalan Doraisingam.

William Shakespeare's 'JULIUS CAESAR' has intrigued audiences for centuries. It is a no-holds-barred scathing commentary on the ruthlessness, deceit and hypocrisy surrounding the eternal struggles of politics and power. Caesar is the quintessential play pitting perceived good against perceived evil. Its main characters can be likened to any leaders of the modern world and their desire to rule. Autocracy or democracy?

Julius Caesar is a tale of conspiracy, power, death and destruction.

When Caesar returns victorious to Rome, he is offered the crown by the populace and unwillingly he rejects it, three times. Cassius, wary of Caesar's foibles and ambitions conspires to have Caesar assassinated; but for his conspiracy to be accepted by the populace he must, and does, win the noble Brutus over to his side.

The pre-determined day for the assassination, the Ides of March (15th March), is prophesised by a soothsayer. On that day, Caesar is mercilessly stabbed to death on his way to the Senate House. One by one the conspirators, in the form of a ritualistic sacrifice, thrust their daggers into Caesar's body. The final thrust is delivered by Caesar's beloved Brutus... 'Et tu Brute'.

What follows is a disastrous series of events, culminating in the double suicides of Cassius and Brutus.

Kuala Lumpur Performing Arts Centre (KLPAC)
Date: 2-11 December 2005
All days @ 8.30 PM except Sundays @ 3 PM
Monday no show
Price: RM60 & RM40, 50% off for students below 18

Those Were The Days, my friends. We thought they'd never end...

2005-11-09T14:16:00.000+08:00

Photo of Mary Hopkin who sang the hit Those Were The Days.....source

What started as my grumble about not being able to buy a simple bar of SOAP became a torrent of memories. So many recollections of those 'good old days' were triggered that I decided that some of those tales should become a blog on their own. Ya, I know that most of you who come visit regularly would have read them. But for future visitors who might otherwise not go into the comments section they would miss all your sharing of days gone by. Good memories should be shared and marked in books (blogs) so that they are never lost.

So sing along to the tune of Those Were The Days as we share times that are forever part of our lives....

...................................Actually, these days you just can't buy JUST an egg anymore. They've got to be cholesterol free, antibiotic free etc. Same thing goes for stuff which you use everyday. Try looking for an ordinary bar of SOAP. You won't find any. There are lots of beauty treatments, facial washes, cleansers but no SOAP. Right?....Patrick Teoh

Talking about soap, I yearn for the Popinjoy (green colour with a parrot sign)that I can no longer find in my local kedai runcit....soowm

Was that Popinjay or Popinjoy? I remember that soap. Green packaging with the picture of a bright colored macaw.......................Patrick Teoh

Popinjay soap is still around. Getting nostalgic? I remembered

1. Fung Keong school shoes;
2. ice bola from canteen;
3. 3 ladies brand cologne;
4. kickapoo (I think still got)
5. Green Spot
6. 555 cigarettes;
7. Amami(talcum).............................Helen

.... does anyone remember Huntley & Palmers Gems and Marie biscuits when they were sold in those rectangular tins which came with a little metal cutter to open?

OR

Lucozade before it became a trendy soft drink?

OR

Woodward's Gripe Water before they discovered that it contained alcohol. GASP GASP GASP.....How could they do that? Fed to babies somemore....string them up. But then generations of us grew up having taken our regular tablespoons of Woodward's and we seem none the worse none the worse none the worse none the worse.

OR

Ovaltine

OR

Darkie Toothpaste before political correctness killed it

Bata Badminton Master shoes

4711 Eau De Cologne

555 notebook to record credit at sundry shops

Players Gold Leaf and Craven A cigarettes and Abdullah 37 cigarettes with that silly TV commercial and song...........Abdullah Sarm Sup Chut

Rock groups used to advertise petrol. Remember Caltex Boron?......................Patrick Teoh

My daddy used to tell me about about sinful BB Park, strip queen Rose Chan and screening of x-rated movies in public cinemas..........................................TV Smith

Those political rallies were great. Back then we didn't have Malays, Chinese or Indians here. Only Malayan/sians. So everybody got fucked. In the speeches I mean. When it was deserved and relevant lah. Ahhh...the good old days...................................Patrick Teoh

I've always thought I'd live and die in Malaysia. Now, I'm not so sure any more. I live in North America at the moment and while I don't think I'll give up Malaysian nationality, that isn't a decision carved in stone...................................Anonymous

I think u can still buy Popinjoy soap in TESCO. Anyway,I remember some of these old stuff:

the pre-printed song requests dedication cards that we sent to get our dedications and
messages on the radio and the times when it was cool to have weird names like James Collin Wong,Ronny Atkinson Khoo, Robert Vincent Lim, Sally Serina Tan etc. etc...

Rough Rider's cigarettes that my grandma used to smoke.

The Straits Echo newspapers

40 sen third class cinema tickets...............................................JasonL

(Oh yes, those names....William Elvis Honda Tan (anyone remember him? His other claim to fame apart from his name was that he got married on a Honda motorcycle. Made the pages of The Malay Mail.), Rocky Alison Teoh, Rickson Lim, Theresa Elvise Liew (who went on to become a psychologist). Anyone remember any more of those names from that period?

Popular cigarettes during a time when smoking was the coolest thing...

Rothmans King Size; Benson & Hedges King Size; Player's Gold Leaf; Consulate Menthol (Cool as a mountain stream); Matterhorn Menthol...........................................................Patrick Teoh

my late grandma use to have a kind of soap what we called sabun cap kapak. u can purchase it at any kedai runcit and u can decide how much do u want to buy. 30 cent means slighly small, 60 cent a bit bigger. it has strong smell too.... some call it sabun potong............................Sherinna

Does anybody remember drinking NAAFI beer at 80 sen for a large bottle of Anchor?
When you could buy a brand new Mercedes Benz 190D for RM18,000?
When you could safely drink water from the tap?...........................................Patrick Teoh

What about the "pak yow" man who came to the house and my Mum would get me to go out with empty bottles to buy kicap which he pumped from this metal container................Anonymous

bringing eggs from home to the char loay teow man to fry with the koay teow. In my days, char koay teow with egg cost 50 sen but if your brought your own you pay only 30 sen......................Patrick Teoh

....the little girls and boys peeing in the cinema aisles - I've seen it many times, even my mum asked me to do it cos' she's doesn't want to miss any part of the movie by taking me to the restroom.........................................JasonL

.....does anyone remember Arthur's Cave in the Merlin Hotel? Jackie's Bowl which was the first ever disco in the country? Time Tunnel?....................................Patrick Teoh

.....Tikam-tikam; a game of chance where for 5 sen, you choose a piece of folded square stuck on a board. Prizes range from a stamp to RM10 cash.
Cut-off paper dolls which comes with two sets of clothes. For variety, we design our own cut-out clothes complete with hats, shoes and handbags. And house then between the pages of the school books............................................kathrina

My favourite childhood games were playing "bak gu li"(marbles), seven stones, "Pepsi-Cola one two three", Police & Thief, "Kali-toi", "One Leg", "high jump" over a long rope strung together with rubber bands........................................arkane

Those Were The Days was one of the most requested songs but at the top of the request list was Patches by Dickie Lee......................................Patrick Teoh

One was a man with his bike and cart who sold "tok tok mee". He hit two sticks to make the "tok tok tok tok" sound, to announce he was in the vicinity. An elderly lady used to carry two baskets on a yoke to sell a local kuih called "faan shue taan" made with sweet potato; .....and stood by the roadside to eat "lok lok". Fishball, seafood, quail eggs on skewers dipped into boiling soup to cook, then dipped into chili or sweet sauce.................................................Min

Grab a picture card each (usually Ultraman) and slam it against one another's palm. High Five style. Then the winner is decided the 'closed' or 'open' card on the floor...........The other craze was to stack up those cards and knock them down from a distance, bowling style. Using a Japanese slipper, of course. Each fella would hone his skill to perfection yet with his own terrror stance and special method of holding the slipper before it was thrown. Much like a Samurai........... Are those metal box Oxford Instrument set still being used in schools these days?...................Then there was also this bizarre 'watch fight' where we will lock the crown of our spring winding watches against one another, and see which one dies (stop ticking) first.................TV Smith

........yeah, i also remembered the kites flown on glass coated strings. Used to cook the glass shards in "kongkong" tins at the back lane......we used to play a game where we stab the thing (compasses) between our fingers (while the palm is flat on the table) at fast speeds to prove that you are not chicken....................................................Arkane

....reminds me of the Central Market where every stall owner knew what the man of the house would buy daily on his way back home and then on Sunday buy for the weekend lunch and dinner. Those guys, the stall owners knew each of us like we were all from the same kampung. They knew what each of us wanted in what combination from the type of fish to the spices which would be mixed for you on the spot.....AnakKL

These memory lane tidbits are priceless! Should be a blog by itself :) .............................TV Smith

So now they are. Thank you for visiting.

Swallow A Couple Of Eggs And Call Me In The Morning

2005-10-28T12:26:00.000+08:00

This sign outside the Isetan supermarket at KLCC made me spin on my heels. Chewable vitamins, cherry flavoured paracetamol, oral vaccines....what will they think of next? I know those billion $$$ drug barons are creative but this was just out of sight man. Now instead of swallowing tablets or capsules you can fry, poach, steam or scramble your medication. And have it with a bit of salt and pepper to "make the medicine go down". And for only RM3.29 a dozen. Sure beats what I pay for antibiotics at my GP's. Cool.

But it was not to be. Turns out that the sign was written by an English language challenged SPM graduate. What the sign meant to say was that the eggs were anti-biotic free!

Actually, these days you just can't buy JUST an egg anymore. They've got to be cholesterol free, antibiotic free etc. The only thing not free are the eggs you buy. Same thing goes for stuff which you use everyday. Try looking for an ordinary bar of SOAP. You won't find any. There are lots of beauty treatments, facial washes, cleansers but no SOAP. Right?

This is the blog I got for visiting KLCC yesterday. Oh yes. I also got myself a cool pouch for my Nokia 6630 phone. I'm a happy man.

Did You Feel The Pain?

2005-10-26T16:39:00.000+08:00

(Photo of Malaysian consumer who's been screwed so many times he's decided to take it lying down)

If you didn't feel any pain up your rear end but have been reading the papers over the last few days you might just have been awake enough to know that you've been screwed yet again. This time by the petrol companies and the retail petrol stations. After some hoohah about not wanting to accept credit cards for petrol purchases the usual committees were set up to "discuss" the matter. Then the government stepped in and made the mandatory statement about how things should not affect the poor raayat in a negative way. Those of us 'older' flers were expecting the next step to be announced which was "Screw the blaardy consumer. Again." And so they did. It was announced yesterday that the petrol companies and the petrol station owners had come to a mutually beneficial agreement. And notice I picked the word "mutually" very carefully. It's just between them and them. You and I have no say in this. Read this...

"Domestic Trade and Consumer Affairs Minister Datuk Shafie Apdal said the agreement was reached on Oct 19 at a meeting attended by petrol dealers, petroleum firms, banks, credit card issuers and representatives from Bank Negara.".......New Straits Times, Tueday, October 26 2005. Do you see you and me in that equation? Of course not.

Drum roll please......................From November 1, all petrol purchases with credit cards will no longer be eligible for reward points.

Now do you feel a little fire in your rear end? Well, maybe a little pinch. During good times we don't get anything special from these big businesses and when things go soft we are the ones paying to bail THEM out of their problems? I can hear some of you saying that it's nothing what. Just don't get a few points toward getting a free bar of soap or a free bottle of mineral water only what. That's true. With the system it will take some years of fill-ups before I become eligible for something as valuable as a box of chocolates. But that's not the point is it? If petrol companies need loyalty programmes it means that there is keen competition among them and they NEED our custom. So why are we letting them get away with it when it comes to losing a few sen profit per litre? And when you think about it what do credit card companies do for charging you a couple of hundred Ringgit a year in subscription fees? Ya, what? It makes it more convenient for us, the consumer to spend money and so we do and they make profits out of that. And we need to pay them for that???!!! What do petrol stations offer us other than a facility to get fuel? Their toilets are still filthy. Their so-called convenience shops sell crap at inflated prices and now they don't even offer to wipe your windscreens or inflate your tires. Service at service stations has become a privilege. Which you pay for.

Doesn't sit well with me I'll tell you. So what am I going to do?

Sigh. I must admit that I am also going to submit and hang my head in defeat. What to do? Don't buy petrol and don't drive ah? Take LRT and bus ah? Cannot lah. Inconvenient lah. I am ashamed of myself but I will still drive and buy petrol with my credit card and be F***ed up the ass. Cash? No I don't fancy carrying a thick wad of Ringgits just so I can add "mug victim" to my list of 'screw'-ups. If you know what I mean.

This is merely the latest in our long history of getting the shitty end of the stick as consumers. Think about it. How many times has this happened just in the last 6 months. No make that the last 6 years! Of course, it is no longer a surprise that the Malaysian consumer is another apathetic creature that is not going to become extinct in a hurry. And big businesses have learned this and are using it to great advantage in swelling their annual bottom lines.

Now I am going to do something gross. If you're squeamish or if you're under 18 please leave now. I shall not be responsible if you throw up all over your Imbi Plaza keyboard.

I am going to pull the shitty end of the stick out of my behind and read the ringed history of how I have been screwed. Ready? This is your last chance. Okay, here we go...........NGMMMGPH! There it is. Let's see........

1. I pay taxes, cukai pintu etc. but the water that comes out of my tap is not fit for drinking. And so I spend more money buying those water filters. Now that's become a "keeping up with the Jones' "fad too. My filter is better, shinier than yours. Mine costs more than yours. And big business is laughing all the way to the bank.

2. I go to see a movie. Pay the ticket price and then get screwed by scratched prints, bad sound and censor's butchering. But that has been the subject of another bellyaching session here. (Go to "Pay Money Orso Cannot Get Ah? Niamah!" below)

3. I pay good money to park in a parking lot so that I can patronise and spend more money in some shopping mall. Then I get accosted by signs that tell me the management is not responsible for anything that happens to my car while in that parking lot.

4. I pay tolls so that I can drive smoothly from one place to another. Then I get stuck in a traffic jam just to pay my toll.

5. I pay good money to get hooked up to a satellite TV network. Then I get out-of-date programmes that my Singaporean friends keep reminding me are so "last season" leh. Of course these satellite TV flers are constantly coming up with new "packages" which means that you need to pay more and more money for programmes that you don't want to watch. Simply because the programmes you want to watch will packaged with those that you don't.

I can go on with more examples but I think the smell is getting a little too much to bear. But I'm sure you get the picture.

I think we're so used to being screwed that we don't even feel the pain anymore and I swear that some of us really are beginning to enjoy it.

My prayer is that one day the Malaysian consumer will stand up and scream, "I'm mad as hell and I won't take it anymore!!!"

Errrrr...but no lah. Too inconvenient lah. Too much trouble lah. Hiyah! Waffor make trouble. Can make money enough lor. Or as my friend Jit Murad would say, "At least we're better off than Ghana."

Sigh. Kerana Mu Malaysia. Boleh.

A Very Expensive Look At Seafood

2005-10-18T13:38:00.000+08:00

(Photo of Adam's look of concern at the ticket counter. "Is my struggling actor papa really going to be able to afford this trip?")

This morning I made my maiden visit to the spanking new KL Aquaria in the monolithic Kuala Lumpur Convention Centre (the other KLCC). Now the reason why I decided to do something which I would not normally attempt was that my daughter's kindergarten had arranged a field trip there. And since only one parent could accompany her, my wife went and I decided to take my son, Adam separately so he wouldn't feel left out.

Sad to say, the KL Aquaria is yet another Malaysian rip-off. First, it costs RM76.00 with taxes for 2 adults, me and our helper. Adam got in free cos he is only 2. Second, the price roughly translates into more than RM1.00 per minute per person for a visit. 30 minutes is approximately how long it takes to tour the place at a leisurely pace. It is small.

If you factor in parking and lunch a visit to the Aquaria can easily cost a family of 4 or 5 upwards of Rm200.00!!! And who has that kind of money to spend these days?

Now for the positive side of things. The KL Aquaria is bright and new and is actually quite well done. The exhibits, although very limited are well designed. Even for a short fler like Adam. Quite un-Malaysian, all the staff were well dressed, polite, cheerful (and this is the fasting month remember). And very eager to assist with information about the exhibits which they all seemed to be very knowledgeable about. But the most surprising thing for me meeting them this morning was that they all spoke English willingly! And spoke it very well too. Certainly much better than newsreaders on RTM and some radio deejays we all know. Sorry, couldn't resist that. Whatever the management did here with the training of their staff they should sell their system to Pak Lah's gormen departments.

All in all I guess it was a good morning for little Adam. He enjoyed looking at the seafood. He enjoyed petting a starfish. He loved moving along on the walk-a-lator through the 'undersea' tunnel. He had a good time.

When I did my sums this is how it went...

Tickets for 2 adults RM76.00
Parking FREE
(I know the owner of Top Hat restaurant across the street. So I begged and she let me park there at no charge)
Lunch RM36.00
(We escaped the souvenir shop but I couldn't fight the bright lights and colors of the food court. Adam made a beeline for the Kenny Rogers restaurant cos he loves eating chicken)

And so, for a 2.5 hour visit on a Tuesday morning I spent RM112.00

Okay that's it for this blog. Got to go figure out how I am going to feed my children the rest of the week.

Oh yes, some useful advise. Maybe. If you're planning to visit the Aquaria do not park in the KL Convention Centre. It costs RM3.50 EVERY hour or part thereof you park. There is a tunnel that links the Suria KLCC to the KLCC (confused?) and that leads you straight into the fish show. Parking at Suria KLCC is cheaper. I think. I am assuming that not many of you are fond of begging lah.

Niahmah! Missed By One Number lah!

2005-10-13T13:23:00.000+08:00

(Photo of Adam......."Niahmah! Missed by 1 number!)

TV Smith called yesterday and said he was away from his pc and wanted to know what my nombor giliran was that I got from the JPN at Maju Junction. He was at the 4D betting shop. I told him, 2047 and tumpang the fler for RM5.00 SMALL on the draw.

The first prize last night was 2147! NIAAAAAAAAAAAAMAAAAAAAAA! Missed by one number.
Okay, okay I know it is a hundred numbers ahead ok? Don't try to get smart on me.

This is one time I didn't appreciate efficiency in a government deparment. Come to think of it if I had not listened to all the smart comments, "Got to go early one, I tell you", "Must go in the morning and line up as early as possible".....etc. I might have arrived a hundred numbers later.

Niahmah!

Some Things Take 2 Trips To Work Out

2005-10-11T01:01:00.000+08:00

(Photo of Adam impersonating the guy behind the Warga Emas counter)

Since my friend TV Smith likes photographing ghost towns like Putrajaya, I bought 2 Air Asia Tickets from a travel agent in Shah Alam after losing my way looking for the deserted JPN office that is supposedly there and asked him to accompany me to Labuan to get my Mykad renewed. Halfway to KL Sentral, we figured we could use the money for the KLIA train for a few more jugs of beer. So off I went to Maju Function for another go. He went home to continue his sleep

I went to Maju Junction. Got there at 1030 hrs. Went to the nombor giliran counter. The same guy there. He saw me me, "MyKad?" I nodded. He handed me a number. 2047 (any of you flers buy this number and it comes out you know what to do lah:-). He mumbled something which I didn't quite catch. But I thought he said that I should just go sit down and wait.

There were a lot of people there. I sat down in front of a counter that had a big sign, "Kaunter Khas Untuk Warga Emas (nice name, right? Much better than Senior Citizen) Dan Orang Kurang Upaya." I qualified on both counts:-) If you have to ask why.......never mind lah.

Thing was that the two counters were serving people who obviously didn't fit into either category. I sat for 3 minutes and decided to go up and ask about my number and if I should wait in front of this counter. The guy behind the counter looked like he needed Colema Therapy, had his eyes fixed firmly on his computer monitor said, "Ya, itu nombor VIP." What? Have I been upgraded. Found out later that VIP and Warga Emas and Orang Kurang Upaya same thing.

Waited another couple of minutes and heard my number being called. Went up to the counter and was served by this lady who looked like she was days away from retirement. She had this typical government officer attitude. Which is to make you feel like you don't exist and they're there to tolerate you until their next tea break. I handed over my IC and the nomber giliran and my change of address form. She punched some keys on her computer. Asked me to place my left and right thumbs on the scanner. All the while joking with colleagues at other counters and making me feel really unwelcome. She handed me back a receipt type piece of paper and mumbled something, pointed me to some other counters. I dechipered the mumbles to mean I should go wait in front of counters 1,2,3 or 4. I went.

Those counters had contraptions with two lights shining out and a round thing which I guessed was the camera and its lighting. After a minute this young lady waved me over, asked me to put my left thumb on this scanner. Then she waved me to go sit on this chair in front of her. Directed me to turn left a bit, turn right a bit, tilt my head a bit. And then, "Datang lepas 3 bulan." That was it. Of course, the piece of paper I held in my hand clearly stated that I had to wait 6 months. But then continuity in a government system would make it.......well not a government system. Right?

I looked at my watch as I walked through the door. It read 1040 hrs. I was lost. Didn't know what to do. I had planned at least 2 hours there. Paused for a smoke. This rather desperate looking Chinese guy comes up to me and asked if I was one the guys who helps fill up forms for a fee. I said no. "Then where are they?", he asked me in Cantonese sweat beginning to trickle down his face because his nomber giliran was running. I told him that they are now not allowed to solicit business outside government offices. "So you are one of them lah", he asked. No....I am here to....never mind what form you want to fill? Turns out he just needed to fill up a simple form asking for his name, address and NRIC number. The same one I filled in. So I did it for him and he was grateful.

I left the building. My faith in government departments temporarily restored and feeling good for having done a good deed for a fellow nomber giliran fler in need.

But me being me, I had to go kay-po a bit more la. So I went back inside the place and walked over to the half of the office which is the place you go to pick up your new MyKad. Yes, you have to take a nombor giliran here too.

Okay, okay, the JPN facility in Maju Junction is divided into these two sections by a large wooden reception desk type thing. This morning there were 3 young guys there. One sitting rather casually ON the counter top. But what made me notice the counter was 3 pieces of A-4 size paper cello taped to the edge of the counter to inform people that this was where to register for Undi something or other. Nothing wrong with that except that the "signs", hand written on white A-4 which were dog-eared, stained and torn were flapping in the air-con breeze just like so much trash. Incidentally the A-4 sized hand written sign is a Malaysian icon. Look out for it wherever you go. I caught the eye of the counter top balancing guy and showed him the tattered signs. "Oh itu sudah lama lah." Then he gave me a dirty look that said, "Why don't you piss off and let me and my colleagues here continue our day of fun and frolic at you tax-payers expense."

I sighed and left the building to meet my wife for an early lunch and a game of 10-pin bowling. Good day in Kuala Lumpur, Malaysia.

Pay Money Orso Cannot Get Ah? Niamah!

2005-10-09T22:24:00.001+08:00

Photo of Adam. "You lookin' at me?"

I get very upset when I pay good money for goods and services and I don’t get my money’s worth. Don’t you? It’s just natural. Case in point. A few weeks ago I went to watch a movie in one of the cineplexes in a shopping mall in KL. The film was the then local hit movie and the hall was packed. The big budget film was advertised as a milestone in Malaysian film history. The film boasted Dolby Digital Surround Sound. And being always interested in good sound in films I bought my ticket and went in with great anticipation. Imagine my disappointment when the film played with one channel of the sound distorted and with a loud irritating hum coming from the screen. Not only was there no surround sound effect the film was also shown through what must have been a projector whose light source was a nearly dead 60 watt incandescent lamp. I found out later from a reasonably reliable source that it was common practise for cineplex operators to run projectors at less than optimum light intensity to save costs. It was not a good movie experience. Certainly not worth the RM10.00 ticket and the RM6.00 parking fee. I could have bought a pirated DVD version of the same film and had a much better viewing in the comfort of my home. And still have change left for a packet of kua chee and a beer. Later when I complained to the management of the cineplex the response was some plastic smiles and tired nods and I was told, “It’s like that one lah. Local film what.” WHAT???!!! So much for the Malaysia Boleh spirit and being proud of our achievements.

So where is this leading to? A few days later at a Hari Raya open house I met the marketing manager of the film’s distribution company and related to her my less than satisfying experience at the screening of one of her company’s films. She was politely apologetic and then offered me a reason which totally had me in hysterics. She said that bad quality sound and picture quality in Malaysian cinema halls were the results of movie piracy. Her reason was that because of piracy the exhibitors could not make enough money to maintain their equipment and had to resort to cost cutting measures. She then proceeded to urge me to join the fight against pirated movies and also to encourage everyone I knew not to buy pirated movies. If there was no piracy we would then get the quality expected when we visit the cinemas. Wait a minute. Isn’t there something wrong with that equation? Maybe I’m old fashioned but I always thought that the equation worked the other way around. It is the producer’s duty to the consumer to provide the best quality product and the consumer’s decision on whether to buy. Has the rule changed? So now we give you our money first to buy your inferior quality products, then you use our money to develop the product that we should have had in the first place issit?

When I finished laughing and left the company of the by then pissed off marketing manager, I thought further about what had just been said. Then I got really scared. I think I’m the one who’s out of touch with reality. That’s the way things have been done around here for quite a long time now. Look around. I’m sure you will see many examples of this pay first, receive later formula at work.

You interview someone for a position in your company. The first thing the applicant asks is how much money you’re going to pay and what benefits you have for him. Not what he can do for you. I remember a time when job applicants would try to impress you with their abilities and potential contributions to the organisation first before YOU decide what they’re worth. Sure, if at the end of it they don’t think your offer is up to their expectations they have the option to tell you to **** off.

Our poor showing in sports is a fine example of this screwed-up system too. It’s no longer about passion and achievement before rewards. It’s what do I get now and IF I should achieve something.

Malaysian theatre seems to have adopted this mentality as well. We hear or read all the time about practitioners bellyaching about how their efforts are hampered because they can’t sell enough tickets and therefore make enough money to do what they want to do. They are asking for support so that they can achieve what they promise us will be quite worthwhile. Again, give me the money first, then I will show you lah. You make something first that we want to buy. We will buy. Then you will get money to do something else. Then you see if we buy that or not and so on. No ah?

A friend told me the other day that all this is the result of the growing of the current “Y” generation. Another friend called it the MTV generation. A whole generation of people who’ve been brought up expecting to be given everything NOW. Forget effort, forget passion, forget achievements. We want everything NOW. Faster lah. A generation with a kind of thinking that perpetuates a culture of mediocrity.

And all the deaths on Malaysian roads. Isn’t that another scary example? To me, it’s like someone sitting up waiting to see how many people will die before he decides to improve the quality of the roads or the highway system. Or the killer mudslides, landslides etc. “Errrr…wait ah….how many people have been killed ah? Oh that’s all ah? Okay we’ll approve a few more housing projects on hill slopes then.”

Scary isn’t it? Okay, I’m going out to my pirate DVD dealer. See you at the movies.

This article first appeared in The Edge's Options 2 in January 2005. I think.

Buka Puasa Contest

2005-10-08T12:10:00.000+08:00

Keep your eyes open for the funniest, strangest, most laughable Buka Puasa advertisements that have sprouted all over the country. In the newspapers, billboards, TV, radio, flyers etc.

Take a photo, write a short report, send in a recording. Whatever. The best and most interesting entry sent to us WINS ........drum roll).............3 bowls of Hokkein Mee at Champ's @ Centre Point, Bandar Utama. Sorry lah, outstation flers have to arrange your own transport to come here lah.

Will try and get TV Smith and Jeff Ooi to be judges if we get enough entries. If they don't want, then it will be Patrick Teoh's final decision. It's good to be a dictator:-)

This contest is open to all Malaysians. However, the prize is non halal but can be substituted for 3 servings of Nasi Kandar at the mamak fler's place just downstairs of Champ's lah.

Some things just take a long time to change

2005-10-06T23:57:00.000+08:00

(Photo of Adam Teoh practising for when he has to be on the lookout for his nombor giliran at a government department)

The MyKad, the government multi purpose card that is set to replace Malaysia's NRIC - National Registration Identity Card, has been in the news again. Prizes for changing over. Road shows to encourage changing over. Deadlines. Yesterday I decided that I would go do it since it is inevitable that it will have to be done. I happened to be chatting with my friend TV Smith ( http://www.mycen.com.my/duasen/) and he told me that the registration department has a website and that I would find useful information there. I went there and lo and behold a working website by a government department! Very informative site indeed. Listed all the locations for MyKad application and collection, phone numbers, documents required to effect the changeover, etc. I was impressed. I called one of the phone numbers listed and after getting no answer on one attempt and a couple of engaged tones I spoke to a polite and helpful person. She told me what I had to bring for the application which was my passport if I had one, my current NRIC. What about photos I asked. No need. You get here and we will take them for you. Huh? Really ah? Errrr.....how much money will it cost and should I bring cash? No need. It's FREE! Ha!!!??? Really one ah? Yes, I was assured by this very helpful lady on the other end of the line. Just come over and we will take care of everything for you. Hey, what do you know man? Pak Lah kicks ass man!

And so armed with a renewed confidence in government efficiency and a swelling pride of being part of the new Bolehland I drove to the nearest location, Maju Junction. Right in the middle of the city. Easy parking. Spanking new building. After getting lost a couple of times I found the JPN. There were quite a lot of people there already. The moment I walked through the door my heart sank. Most of the counters were manned by the dreaded TUTUP sign. The faces of all the MyKad applicant hopefuls had this look that you see at all government department queues. Resignation. I found the counter where I was to get my queue number but didn't see the sign that was sitting on it. I asked the man behind the counter for a number. He pointed at the sign. It read "NOMBOR GILIRAN UNTUK HARI INI SUDAH HABIS". Okay I paraphrase but that was what it meant. The rather disinterested man behind the counter said that I should come back the next day and......try again! Someone standing close by offered an unsolicited piece of advice. "You have to come early in the morning one." So after all the hoohah it does still cost the Malaysian raakyat one full day off school/work/business to do something simple involving a government department. No wonder response to the MyKad changeover has been lukewarm despite enticements of attractive prizes. Including a Proton Savvy I'm told. Maybe I will just forget about it and join the ranks of the millions of apathetic Malaysians and not bother with MyKad. Until they tell us that they will fine us shitloads of money or throw us in jail if we don't change. And then I will wait for them to announce discounts for the fines before I get off my butt and go get a nombor giliran. SIGH.

Ramadhan and Some East Coast Comedy

2005-10-03T00:16:00.000+08:00

When I read the Sunday papers this morning I almost fell off my chair. Laughing. Kelantan's big chief has announced that the state intends to stage a reality show of its own. Well sort of. They apparently want to hold a singing/composition contest. Open only to mothers. It will be a lullaby composition contest to sing husbands to sleep. The rationale is that when husbands come home tired the wives should sing lullabies to them. This will then cause them to have a good night's sleep. And when they awake in the morning they will feel refreshed and happy and this will "help build a great relationship between husband and wife." In the statement he also said that the contest is in line with singing allowed by Islam, which was to strengthen family ties.

No this is not a fairy tale. It is true and it is happening right here in Bolehland.

And now I need some clarification. Isn't the month of Ramadhan about abstinence and fasting? Then how come each year when the fasting month rolls around we see all those banners/billboards/media ads showing people new and innovative ways of gorging out on food? The fasting month hasn't begun but the Ramadhan buffet ads are out all over the place. Watch out soon for the billboard to appear outside our Istana Budaya, our palace of culture advertising break fast buffet at low low prices. A multi million Ringgit edifice supposedly to develope and show Malaysian performing arts reduced each year to being just a very expensively built gerai makan.

DVD Reality

2005-09-22T21:25:00.000+08:00

Here's an example of how technology destroys memories.

One of my favorite movies when I was little was SHANE with Alan Ladd. Cool hero. Great gunfights. One of my favorite scenes from SHANE was the shoot-out in the saloon. Shane had come into the saloon and shot up the bad guys. He looks around, holsters his pistol and turns around to leave. The hero worshipping boy, played by Brandon De Wilde was hiding under the bar having followed Shane into town against the orders of his father, Van Heflin. The boy looks up and sees another bad guy up on the first floor with a Winchester rifle about to shoot Shane. Boy shouts, "Look out Shane!". The vertically challenged hero whirls around draws his Colt and shoots. The bad guy clutches his chest and falls dramatically through the banisters and crashes to the floor.

That was 1950's memory. And now 21st Century DVD reality.....

Boy shouts, "Look out, Shane!"
Alan Ladd turns around. His eyes are closed! He draws his pistol. He fires. At the floor!!! He brings the smoking pistol up to level at the bad guy. Eyes still closed. Bad guy takes the cue and dies!!!!!

Shit!

Malaysian Food

2005-09-22T21:03:00.000+08:00

Let's start a chat about Malaysian food here. We all know that Malaysians love to eat and they love to talk about food even more. Try starting a conversation and mention that you've had some good char kway teow and before you can say sambal belachan someone else will jump in to challenge your choice. "No lah. That one not the best. I tell you ah last time I had this char kway teow in ....(insert any number of Malaysian towns and street names here)...." When I was little the rule was that certain Malaysian towns are famous for certain types of food. Penang for its assam laksa and nasi kandar. Ipoh for its sar hor fun and ngar choy. Kuala Lumpur for its bak kut teh and Hokkein Mee (the thick black noodly stuff). Seremban for its beef noodles. Malacca for chin cha lok (actually I don't really know what Malacca is famous for foodwise cos I've never eaten out there) Anyway, you get the picture. But these days it tastes to me that all the best food in Malaysia is right here in Kuala Lumpur/Petaling Jaya. I am an Ipoh boy and I balik kampong quite often. And I can tell you that the food in Ipoh these days is much too highly overated and the hawkers there survive on their reputation more than their culinary results. You want good sar hor fun or ngar choy just stay in KL/PJ. No need to go north. You want great assam laksa? Don't go to Penang. Any number of stalls and shops in KL and PJ will sate your craving with 1st class assam laksa better than that which you get in Ayer Itam.

Of course all this could also be due to age. My age that is. I've noticed that as I get older the hawker food I eat never seem to live up to what I remember. Maybe that's it. It's just me. Dimming memory trying to recapture images and tastes of years gone by.

Anyway, the other night Min and I went down memory lane (for me anyway). I drove her to this beef noodle stall which I remembered from the early days of my migration to KL. Days when I earned RM180 a month and eating out there was an awaited event on pay day. The stall sells beef tripe noodles and was called Ngau Kee. It is located in the Jalan Alor area just around the corner from one-way street, Jalan Alor. I can't remember the name of the street. Imagine her surprise when we turned the corner and were confronted by this huge neon sign with the legend NGAU KEE in bright colors of the rainbow. And 24 hour service to boot. For those of you who are not familiar with the place it is nothing more than a stall on the 5-foot way over a longkang. I admit that I was taken aback too. It was just a dingy stall when I last went there. We ordered. We ate. The food tasted very,very so-so lah. Nothing like what I remembered. Min said that I over-sold her on it. And she was right. Baarger. Another memory down the longkang. I'm beginning to see why McD's and BK are so popular. No need to deal with any baggage. Met anyone recently who claims that McD's in one place is better than the other?

Some nonsense

2005-09-22T20:31:00.000+08:00

I just went to read lecram's HNT and had a great laugh. Thanks my friend. You the best. But after the visit I feel like I'm never going to attain that level of blogging sophistication lah. So I thought I'd post this silly joke which I received via sms today from my secretary.

President George W. Bush has announced on CNN that the floods in New Orleans are believed to have been the work of an Iraqi suicide plumber.

Okay, okay so shoot me for wasting your time.

Optical Illusions

2005-09-22T01:26:00.000+08:00

Since Patrick is having blogger's block today, here is a fascinating site on Optical Illusions & Visual Phenomena by Michael Bach

http://www.michaelbach.de/ot/

Tokkok

Niamah!!!

What the **)(&*(*^#@&%(*%_(@*&#_*):PLK)(U#)(*@&!!!

Half a day at the balai polis

Enough of tokking kok

All done in under 2 hours!!!

Happy New Year!!!

Niamah!!!

MERRY CHRISTMAS AND HAPPY NEW YEAR

Merry Christmas Everyone?

Castles In The Air

People Power

Condolences

Let The Killing Begin

A 3D Piece Of Cake

Don't worry. It's still okay to breathe.

I LOVE MY COUNTRY BUT…

Happy Birthday, Malaysia. My country. My home.

MALAYSIA BOLEH? BOLEH!

Relek ah Brudder.

SUMOLAH!

The Malaysian Disease

Malaysian Slogans

Stay Home

It's Such A Joke!

EMIGRATION?

CHANGE OF LIFESTYLE. AGAIN???!!!

Smells Fishy

It's His fault. He did it. Again.

Not so funny leh.

The Circus Is In Town...send in the clowns

More excrement from the big guy

Change your lifestyle

What he tokking now???

Nothing funny also...

Nation-wide Insanity?

Here we go AGAIN!!!

180 degree spins

Scary!!!

Comedy, Tragedy and Everything Else in Between

A Black Day In Bolehland

Something else completely different

And now for something completely different......

Here we go again!

Something good this way comes

We're Malaysian and proud of it.

How do you know it's a government owned facility?

Jalur Gemilang

Can I Hep Shu?

Paper for Wrapping and the Jokes are FREE

THANK GOD IT'S FRIDAY!

Oh Minister...PLEASE!

And the winner is...

Where In The World?

The Wheels On The Bus Go Round And Round...

Well, I'll Be Damned!!!

Tokkok Monkeys

Here We Go Round The Mulberry Bush...

The Ugly Malaysian

A BIG Night Out

The High Cost Of Health Care in Malaysia

Whew! For a while I thought I was in ....

What To Do?

Puteri Gunung Ledang - The Musical

You Sure Or Not

The Homecoming - Coming Soon.

Ha Ha Dai Siew (Barrel of Laughs)

Half Naked Virgin

God or Religion?

Gong Xi Fa Cai, Koong Hei Fatt Choy, Keong Hee Huat Chai, Selamat Tahun Baru Cina...

Damn Scary Lah!

Blogging As An Art Form?

Be Afraid....... Be Very Afraid.

MyKad SchmyKad!

Sneak Preview of BULI BALIK

Happy New Year. Issit? Maybe? Hope So

Nell Bares All!!!

William Shakespeare's "Julius Caesar"

Julius Caesar

Those Were The Days, my friends. We thought they'd never end...

What the **)(&(^#@&%(%_(@&#_):PLK)(U#)(@&!!!