Thursday, December 28, 2006

Happy New Year!!!

(Adam and Laura wishing you a Happy New Year!)

Well, here goes…Happy New Year everybody. For the past few days I have been debating with myself if I will use the standard greeting for the start to 2007 and been tempted to drag out the lame old joke… “So what’s so happy about it?” But good manners dictate that I should not do that to otherwise more optimistic fellow-Malaysians. Personally I am not so ‘happy’ about the coming of the new year la. Because ah…think about it…what’s been happening in the last year that would qualify this as being a start to a ‘happy’ year? Nothing much, right? I mean rising prices don’t make me happy. Racial polarisation doesn’t make me happy. Political hams (and I don’t mean this in a haram sort of way, thank you) who play to the galleries with sharp-edged props and who are then allowed to continue to head our nation’s education system, positively make me very UN-happy. You?

But you know, as I sat watching the fireworks exploding in the surrounds of the distant Twin Towers and drank more haram stupor inducing alcohol I began to think that maybe things won’t be so bad in 2007.

Well, for one thing I think the Visit Malaysia Year 2007 campaign is going to be an overwhelmingly success. Forget about just being Truly Asia. We are UNIQUE man! There’s no other place on earth where you can find what you can discover and enjoy in Malaysia man!

Forget Las Vegas. Forget Monte Carlo. Forget about Singapore in 2010. Come to Malaysia in 2007 for the most exciting games of chance ever invented.

Your body, my body. The latest hit (pardon the pun) game for all the family. Kill yourself or get a friend to do it for you. Lay bets on who’s going to get your mortal remains. It could be a short game or a long drawn out one involving months of court action and possibly millions in winnings for either party.

Forget Blackjack. Forget Baccarrat. Play Illegal Mansions. Instead of chips, buy a piece of land in the world’s newest ‘developed state’ (side bets taken on your ability to decipher just what the fuck that means) build your dream castle without bothering with such trivial details as planning permission. See how long you can play before your mansion is demolished. If you escape demolition you win!!! It’s not as tough as it sounds. Try it. Even simple ex-flag wavers for the railroad have played and won.

Win instant national, regional and international recognition. Take part in the most popular game in Bolehland…Here’s My Foot In My Mouth Suggestion of the Month Game. It’s an easy game to play but hard to win and the odds are low. Well, unless you can come up with better ones than these past winners…

***Give awards to Muslim men who agree to take widowed or divorced women as 2nd or 3rd wives.

*** Women are responsible for crimes such as rape because they dress provocatively and bring trouble onto themselves. (Good one to put your money on because it is a perennial winner)

*** Wishing each other Merry Christmas, Happy Deepavalli (a Hindu festival) or Gong Xi Fa Cai will condemn you to an eternity in Hell.

Thrill Rides. Forget about Magic Mountain. Forget Disney World. Forget Bunjee Jumping. Come to Malaysia for the thrill rides of your life. What’s a triple or quadruple loops rollercoaster? Just get on a Malaysian highway for the thrills of your life. Guaranteed to give you more than just white knuckles. And you DO bet your life on it!

For a more relaxed gaming experience try You Want To See My Marriage Certificate? Sign up for a weekend retreat to one of Malaysia’s island resorts. Book into a 6-star hotel or better still go all the way and buy your own luxury condominium. Place bets on whether you will get visits from ‘authorities’ demanding to physically sight marriage certificates. You win if you convince the ‘house’ that you and your partner are a) married and can prove it. b) you are merely showing him/her your etchings and that there are a cat and 2 Indonesian maids and a Bangladeshi gardener in the same room at the time. Or c) you are a foreign investor testing out Malaysia’s human resources.

Come to Malaysia for the best laughs. Forget Leno, Letterman, Seinfeld. READ A MALAYSIAN NEWSPAPER! Or better still come during parliamentary season and watch some comedy masters at work for free. For seating and show times visit the Malaysian parliamentary website

And the Biggest Game of All. Small bets. BIG winnings.

Try to identify a Malaysian without resorting to color, race or religion. Or visits to the National Zoo. Hurry. Hurry. Hurry. The bets are on.

Malaysia Truly Asia? Nah. Why should we be just truly Asia? I mean man we’re UNIQUE! I for one am not going to be shy about stealing a line from Singapore. They’re not unique. We are. Uniquely Malaysia. Better still… ONLY IN MALAYSIA! Okay la so it’s not original. But so true what. Where else la dei?

Okay, got some more leh…wait ah. I go and pour myself another drin…Eh? Empty already? Baarger! 200 Ringgit don’t buy much whiskey these days man. Shit!

Happy New Year.

(This article first appeared in a very slightly different form in the January 2007 issue of Off The Edge)


(Adam: NIAMAH!!!)

NIAMAH! My other blog dedicated to the little things in life in Bolehland.

NIAMAH! Say it out LOUD. It's therapeutic.

Sunday, December 24, 2006








Tuesday, December 19, 2006

Merry Christmas Everyone?

(Adam: Sigh. Please wake me up when it's over.)

I suppose that if our Malay friends and fellow citizens of Bolehland on the island of Penang celebrated Christmas they would indeed have a Jolly Christmas this year. Today’s NST carried the front page headline, “HOMES IN PRIME AREAS FOR PENANG MALAYS”. (Wow! Great sensational journalism by the NST flers. Keep it up and the NST’s circulation will overtake the tired old Star very soon.)

For those of you who have been asleep since 1957 here’s some background to that. Some months ago somebody up there in Pulau Pinang complained that the Gerakan led government wasn’t doing enough for the Malays on the island. Among the grouses was that the Malays could not afford to own homes in the prime housing areas of Penang. Of course any intelligent thinking person would have deduced that homes in prime areas cost more than others. That’s why they are called prime areas. And to buy them means that you have to work hard at something, succeed, make lots of money, then go buy the homes in the prime areas. But here in Bolehland that obviously isn’t the methodology. “Give me! I want!” seems to be enough to get the machinery chugging to grant the demands. Better than a magic wand if you ask me.

So how is it going to work for our friends in Penang? I read the NST story on page 16 but only after swallowing a Valium pill. Just in case, you know.

Second Finance, Minister Tan Sri Nor Mohd. Yakop announced that Pelabuhan Hartanah Bumiputera Berhad would purchase 3 parcels of land in “prime” areas to be developed into “affordable” housing and commercial lots for the Malays of Penang. The land was purchased from Island and Peninsula and TNB at what the minister terms “below the market price” (read whatever you want into that line and weep at why they didn’t do the same thing for the classic heritage Bok House in KL to save it from demolition) The minister also announced that the government was in the process of working out an innovative mechanism to ensure Bumiputeras, especially from the lower income group, would be able to buy the units. 2 questions here. Why would the lower income group want homes in ‘prime’ areas where everything else would be more expensive and where they would feel like second class residents among million Ringgit condominiums and bungalows with swimming pools? It’s like building low cost housing in Bangsar and Bukit Tunku. If you move lower income residents into a prime housing area wouldn’t that mean that the area would eventually become “non-prime”? Then how?

Hey there you are! You’re in a prime area now so what else you want? Isn’t this teaching the people to rely on handouts rather than to achieve and improve? You want to live in prime areas? Ok we give you la. Then you will always remain in the same shit state of mind so you will continue to vote for us. And…wait a minute! Ah maybe those politicians aren’t that stupid after all. Silly me! Hey listen I am 100% for the NEP and helping our deserving Bumiputera brethren but I don’t think this is the way to go man.

Towards the end of the NST article it was read that a trust was formed with RM2billion to ensure that real estate beyond the reach of the Malays could be purchased by way of a collective fund. Huh??? There’s probably some hidden wisdom for the good of our country behind this. But I’m sorry, folks. It escapes me. It just makes me really upset, as a citizen of this country to hear things like that. Real estate beyond the reach of the Malays to be purchased by a collective fund??? So how is that going to help in the development of a people? Sigh. That’s the way it is these days. Ask and you shall be given.

‘Tis the season to be jolly! But there isn’t really very much to be jolly about as we prepare to celebrate the season.

Samy Velu has already announced that our toll rates are among the lowest in the world. Of course he didn’t tell you that in countries that have higher toll charges you don’t have to pay the toll and then be confronted by blood vessel popping traffic jams right after you pay. And also, being Samy Velu, he told us that highway companies couldn’t recover their investments if there are no increases. Huh? Like the FUCK I care. It’s business isn’t it? You want the contract to build and operate highways you do your projections. And when your proposal is approved you’re on your own. Go shoot yourself and your board of directors if after a few years you realise that you’d made a mistake in your calculations.

Some other clown has said that our taxi fares are among the lowest in the region. Maybe true but the same clown didn’t say that we can only benefit from that if we can find a taxi driver who doesn’t ask, “pegi mana? Tak boleh ah. Jam la.” Or “Mahu pegi Ampang ah? 30 Ringgit” for a 5 Ringgit ride on the meter.

Another red-nosed entertainer has told us that water rates need to be increased because the privatised company trusted with providing us with H2O has suddenly realised that they had taken on too many debts that they cannot pay back. So? The government wants to privatise water supply. You want the job and bid for it. You get it. So get on with your job and your business. Ask your consumers to pay for your mistakes?

And our government is spending millions of our money to send some joker into space and have the opportunity to call him an astronaut when he is just a paying space tourist. Well one thing to be jolly about is that at least they have done away with the teh tarik stunt after providing the entire world with laughs for a while.

They are going to build a multi-million Ringgit sports complex in England to train our sportsmen and women when millions of other talented Malaysians still have to kick a soccer ball on gravelly lanes and beside longkangs.

And the list goes on and on and on.

A Merry Christmas everyone?

P/S Oh yes, and don't forget that the PM has now allegedly bought himself a yacht that cost RM30 million on a PM's salary of...what? RM30,000 a month?

A Merry, Merry Christmas Everybody!!!