Thursday, December 28, 2006

Happy New Year!!!

(Adam and Laura wishing you a Happy New Year!)





Well, here goes…Happy New Year everybody. For the past few days I have been debating with myself if I will use the standard greeting for the start to 2007 and been tempted to drag out the lame old joke… “So what’s so happy about it?” But good manners dictate that I should not do that to otherwise more optimistic fellow-Malaysians. Personally I am not so ‘happy’ about the coming of the new year la. Because ah…think about it…what’s been happening in the last year that would qualify this as being a start to a ‘happy’ year? Nothing much, right? I mean rising prices don’t make me happy. Racial polarisation doesn’t make me happy. Political hams (and I don’t mean this in a haram sort of way, thank you) who play to the galleries with sharp-edged props and who are then allowed to continue to head our nation’s education system, positively make me very UN-happy. You?

But you know, as I sat watching the fireworks exploding in the surrounds of the distant Twin Towers and drank more haram stupor inducing alcohol I began to think that maybe things won’t be so bad in 2007.

Well, for one thing I think the Visit Malaysia Year 2007 campaign is going to be an overwhelmingly success. Forget about just being Truly Asia. We are UNIQUE man! There’s no other place on earth where you can find what you can discover and enjoy in Malaysia man!

Forget Las Vegas. Forget Monte Carlo. Forget about Singapore in 2010. Come to Malaysia in 2007 for the most exciting games of chance ever invented.

Your body, my body. The latest hit (pardon the pun) game for all the family. Kill yourself or get a friend to do it for you. Lay bets on who’s going to get your mortal remains. It could be a short game or a long drawn out one involving months of court action and possibly millions in winnings for either party.

Forget Blackjack. Forget Baccarrat. Play Illegal Mansions. Instead of chips, buy a piece of land in the world’s newest ‘developed state’ (side bets taken on your ability to decipher just what the fuck that means) build your dream castle without bothering with such trivial details as planning permission. See how long you can play before your mansion is demolished. If you escape demolition you win!!! It’s not as tough as it sounds. Try it. Even simple ex-flag wavers for the railroad have played and won.

Win instant national, regional and international recognition. Take part in the most popular game in Bolehland…Here’s My Foot In My Mouth Suggestion of the Month Game. It’s an easy game to play but hard to win and the odds are low. Well, unless you can come up with better ones than these past winners…

***Give awards to Muslim men who agree to take widowed or divorced women as 2nd or 3rd wives.

*** Women are responsible for crimes such as rape because they dress provocatively and bring trouble onto themselves. (Good one to put your money on because it is a perennial winner)

*** Wishing each other Merry Christmas, Happy Deepavalli (a Hindu festival) or Gong Xi Fa Cai will condemn you to an eternity in Hell.

Thrill Rides. Forget about Magic Mountain. Forget Disney World. Forget Bunjee Jumping. Come to Malaysia for the thrill rides of your life. What’s a triple or quadruple loops rollercoaster? Just get on a Malaysian highway for the thrills of your life. Guaranteed to give you more than just white knuckles. And you DO bet your life on it!

For a more relaxed gaming experience try You Want To See My Marriage Certificate? Sign up for a weekend retreat to one of Malaysia’s island resorts. Book into a 6-star hotel or better still go all the way and buy your own luxury condominium. Place bets on whether you will get visits from ‘authorities’ demanding to physically sight marriage certificates. You win if you convince the ‘house’ that you and your partner are a) married and can prove it. b) you are merely showing him/her your etchings and that there are a cat and 2 Indonesian maids and a Bangladeshi gardener in the same room at the time. Or c) you are a foreign investor testing out Malaysia’s human resources.

Come to Malaysia for the best laughs. Forget Leno, Letterman, Seinfeld. READ A MALAYSIAN NEWSPAPER! Or better still come during parliamentary season and watch some comedy masters at work for free. For seating and show times visit the Malaysian parliamentary website

And the Biggest Game of All. Small bets. BIG winnings.

Try to identify a Malaysian without resorting to color, race or religion. Or visits to the National Zoo. Hurry. Hurry. Hurry. The bets are on.

Malaysia Truly Asia? Nah. Why should we be just truly Asia? I mean man we’re UNIQUE! I for one am not going to be shy about stealing a line from Singapore. They’re not unique. We are. Uniquely Malaysia. Better still… ONLY IN MALAYSIA! Okay la so it’s not original. But so true what. Where else la dei?

Okay, got some more leh…wait ah. I go and pour myself another drin…Eh? Empty already? Baarger! 200 Ringgit don’t buy much whiskey these days man. Shit!

Happy New Year.

(This article first appeared in a very slightly different form in the January 2007 issue of Off The Edge)

22 comments:

lecram sinun said...

There is a stage show in there somewhere... ala Sondheim's ""Assasins"!

Have a grand one, my friend... at least try!
Cheers!

Anonymous said...

Expect more Sandiwara from our political clowns. Hei, maybe they might throw in some side shows but nothing beats the main event, the General Election...let the shows begin

The Drowmage said...

Great posting! A great way to start New Year, and have a laugh at the things to be 'happy' about this 2007.

Oh, and Happy New Year to you!

hawaiichee said...

I want to see more issues covered in the media including blogs like this … there was a blackout on the newspapers on the toll hike protest on Dec 31. Remember there is another one on Jan 7.

http://blog.limkitsiang.com/?p=905#more-905

The first day of 2007 started off with a black-eye for Datuk Seri Abdullah Ahmad Badawi on his pledge when he became Prime Minister three years ago that he wants “to hear the truth”, however unpleasant, from the people as well as for nation-building, good governance, democracy and human rights.

This is the black-out on New Year’s Day by all the national media, whether newspapers or television stations, of yesterday’s protest by hundreds of Malaysians at the Grand Saga Cheras 11th Mile Toll Plaza against the latest toll hikes as well as at the barricade which blocked the access road from the Bandar Makhota Cheras township for the past 15 months since October 2005.

In Parliament on Dec. 13, when MPs were winding up the 43-day parliamentary budget meeting, Deputy Prime Minister, Datuk Seri Najib Razak, accompanied by the Works Minister, Datuk Seri S. Samy Vellu, the Information Minister, Datuk Zainuddin Maidin and the Minister in the Prime Minister’s Department, Datuk Effendi Norwawi, was having a hush-hush meeting with editors of all newspapers and television stations to direct them not to play up the Cabinet’s increase in toll hikes for five highways, Cheras-Kajang Highway, Lebuhraya Damansara-Puchong (LDP), Kesas Highway, Kuala Lumpur-Karak Highway and Guthrie Corridor Expressway.

The Abdullah premiership has prided itself practising a more open and liberal media policy than the Mahathir administration. This is true when compared with the last phase of the 22-year Mahathir premiership when there was very tight media control and censorship to the extent that Mahathir was repeatedly cited internatiuonally as one of the world’s top “enemies of the press”.

However, the claim that the Abdullah premiership has a more open and liberal media policy cannot stand up to scrutiny when compared with the first three years of the Mahathir premiership from 1981-1984.

With the Abdullah administration starting even earlier than the Mahathir premiership to muzzle the media, accountability, good governance, democracy and human rights may face even greater threats than the previous era unless such excesses are checked immediately.

Can Abdullah justify the government directive to muzzle the media to black-out all reporting about public protests against another round of unfair toll hikes, which are uniting Malaysians, regardless of race, religion, class or political affiliation against a most unfair privatization policy, completely without accountability, transparency and integrity?

Hasn’t he broken his pledge when he became Prime Minister that he wants “to hear the truth, however unpleasant” from the people, by shutting out the cries for justice and fair play by Malaysians of all races and religions against the toll hikes?

As the Minister for Internal Security with direct responsibility over the media, the first thing Abdullah should do on his return from his overseas leave is to keep his pledge “to hear the truth”, however unpleasant from the people, withdraw Najib’s directive to muzzle the media to “black-out” news about public protests against toll hikes and to reaffirm his commitment to be more open and liberal to respect media freedom- not when compared to the final years of the Mahathir premiership but the early years as well.

http://ronnieliutiankhiew.wordpress.com/2006/12/31/opposition-leader-lends-his-support-to-bmc-residents/

Hundreds of residents from Bandar Mahkota Cheras courageously broke the line formed by the FRU and marched to the Grand Saga Cheras 11th Mile Toll Plazas this morning to stage a protest against the toll hike as well as to mark their strong objection to the barricade which blocked the access road from the township since October last year.

A few hundred residents from BMC and Bandar Sg Long were unable to show up because they were blocked by the police at the road block. The police raod block has caused a massive traffic jam at the only outlet from BSL/BMC at the 12th mile this morning.

About 100 policemen(incl FRU) were there to control the crowd. I was informed by some residents that ASP Fauzi again showed his rudeness by holding on to his gun (he did not raise the gun though) besides shouting abusive words at Tan Boon Wah.

Anonymous said...

hey patrick, happy new year!!!

anyways, spot on for the malaysian newspapers bit, i laughed my head off everytime i read them online, and it's a good place to see what a circus the malaysian political scene has become, hehe.

go bolehland!!!

cheese with a spoon said...

Great post, Patrick -- if there's nothing we can do to change things, we may as well laugh, is what I always say. Laughing while Rome burns is still better than crying while Rome burns, IZZENIT?

Selamat Tahun Baru 2007 to you and your family and all your readers!

patrickteoh said...

Happy new year Cheese, Nurul, drowmage.

Nurul, take care and get well soon. I haven't visited our Eye On Malaysia yet. Will do so one day when the madness has subsided.
lecram, happy new year. i agree there's at least a TV mini series in there too.

Angry Medic said...

Eh Patrick, you're getting old la. You forgot the ever popular game show, "Whose Country Is It Anyway?" where you marry into a politically influential family and win points by running the country from behind the throne (whilst using your connections to make money on the side, of course). Bonus points if you can manage to snag a famous second wife whilst still in office and not get rapped on the knuckles!

Anonymous said...

Yo everyone, check this out:

http://news.bbc.co.uk/2/hi/asia-pacific/6228125.stm

You know, a lot of ppl actually think bolehland is very famous around the world. I guess they are right to a certain extend.

zewt fka remesis

daevyd said...

Of course RM200 cannot buy you a lot of Glenfiddich or Chivas lah, but can buy an awful lot of Sahib and Axe Brand whiskey wat.

mob1900 said...

If you're in the Army, you would've been a great Sniper. Ka-pow! Bulleyes on every hit, but again at Bolehland, we can hit anything blind folded without being off the mark. Happy New Year again, Pat.

Helen said...

It's just beginning of the new year and already you're so 'vocal'. lol

Patrick, I can bet my money there'll be much more to come the following months. Definitely more niamahs.

Anonymous said...

I've always liked the "Guess How Much the Mamak Restaurant Guy Overcharged You Today" game myself. Or even the "Will You/Won't You Get Diarrhea" game in said Mamak restaurant, but that probably involves more stamina than most are willing to put into.

monsterball said...

Happy New Year to you and your family Pat.
We have been friend for more than 40 years...since your first businesss.....The Time Machine!!
Music was our passion at that time. Thanks.

monsterball said...

Pat...Sheih's 'kickdefella' blog have designed a logo "No Fear" for bloggers to unite!! So many have responded and put at their blogs. Go see it and please support this noble cause...especially from you who have no fear to expose so many things. I recall your very popular radio talks on the police corruptions some 30 years ago....so brave and only you dare to do it.
You and Sheih are unique bloggers. Somehow these bloggers need a 'tai kor'to advise them also.You are a proven respected guy. Do what you can for them to trully unite. You and Sheih should be closely associated.
Who knows...you may find him a new cast for your drama shows. Hi I saw you holding a cigar in one drama. Was that idea came from seeing me smoke one? You did not light that cigar though. Should have made it more realistic by lighting it....you know evry detail counts...not like the oldern days dramas.

monsterball said...

Pat..I never knew you are pally with my nephew Terry.His father was my motor-cycle kaki younger days and he is still riding one with Terry.
Ofcourse Terry's aunt was my wife.
Take care.

afiq said...

Sigh. I hope you don't have any misconceptions on Islam in general. There's Islam and there's another stupic notion that proclaimed to revolve around Islam: Melayu.

I can surely assure you that those politicians are doing what they did because they are stupid and had used Islam to cover up their asses. Take the distribution of wealth for example. During the prophet's days, there was equal distribution of wealth eventhough there were jews and sun-worshippers.

They (the polticians) obviously ignored that fact and used petty jurisprudence to buff up their malay votes. And you can't blame them either, most kampong people are stupid as well. They are uneducated eventhough the first verse in the Quran is Iqra, which means 'read'.

All I'm saying is, Islam is a individual and congregational religion and to achieve this, scholars and the rakyat should be able to have a say in whatever decided by these Kampong-driven politicians.

patrickteoh said...

I agree with you 110% afig. Islam as a religion is perfect, like all other religions. It's how it is used and manipulated that screws people up.

monsterball, hmmm...i remember vaguely meeting someone smoking a cigar in that cafe outside the watch shop in Jaya Shopping Centre. But I can't get the face la. Any clues ah?

Helen, thank you so much. Flattery will get you...everywhere. LOL

mob 1900, a belated Happy New Year. Actually I was quite a good shot when I was active in the sport. Sadly, rising costs of bullets and aging muscles has put paid to that activity.

Eh daevyd I'll have you know that i don't drink Chivas or Black Label. Can't afford to. LOL. White Label still affordable la. And please don't knock Sahib and Axe Brand. With the right mix they're both quite enjoyable.

good one angry medic. Whose Country Is It Anyway should be an RTM1 game show la. Are you still in the country?

The Angry Medic said...

Afraid not, Patrick. Am back in the UK; good thing too, cos those newspaper headlines were very close to turning me into a patient at my local cardiac ward before I get anywhere close to becoming a doctor. Will be back in time for Malaysia's 50th birthday though--I hope the mood among Malaysians gets better by then.

I also hear you have a new radio show! Am looking forward to hearing it. Sometimes I wonder how you avoid being assassinated.

Anonymous said...

How much for your children? They are very cute.

Bengbeng said...

I just love looking at Laura and Adam....happy new near and gong xi fa cai to you and your family...

Sam said...

Adam's gorgeous ;)Btw, good one bout the "...etchings and that there are a cat and 2 Indonesian maids and a Bangladeshi gardener in the same room at the time."