(Adam and Laura wishing you a Happy New Year!)Well, here goes…Happy New Year everybody. For the past few days I have been debating with myself if I will use the standard greeting for the start to 2007 and been tempted to drag out the lame old joke… “So what’s so happy about it?” But good manners dictate that I should not do that to otherwise more optimistic fellow-Malaysians. Personally I am not so ‘happy’ about the coming of the new year la. Because ah…think about it…what’s been happening in the last year that would qualify this as being a start to a ‘happy’ year? Nothing much, right? I mean rising prices don’t make me happy. Racial polarisation doesn’t make me happy. Political hams (and I don’t mean this in a haram sort of way, thank you) who play to the galleries with sharp-edged props and who are then allowed to continue to head our nation’s education system, positively make me very UN-happy. You?
But you know, as I sat watching the fireworks exploding in the surrounds of the distant Twin Towers and drank more haram stupor inducing alcohol I began to think that maybe things won’t be so bad in 2007.
Well, for one thing I think the Visit Malaysia Year 2007 campaign is going to be an overwhelmingly success. Forget about just being Truly Asia. We are UNIQUE man! There’s no other place on earth where you can find what you can discover and enjoy in Malaysia man!
Forget Las Vegas. Forget Monte Carlo. Forget about Singapore in 2010. Come to Malaysia in 2007 for the most exciting games of chance ever invented.
Your body, my body. The latest hit (pardon the pun) game for all the family. Kill yourself or get a friend to do it for you. Lay bets on who’s going to get your mortal remains. It could be a short game or a long drawn out one involving months of court action and possibly millions in winnings for either party.
Forget Blackjack. Forget Baccarrat. Play Illegal Mansions. Instead of chips, buy a piece of land in the world’s newest ‘developed state’ (side bets taken on your ability to decipher just what the fuck that means) build your dream castle without bothering with such trivial details as planning permission. See how long you can play before your mansion is demolished. If you escape demolition you win!!! It’s not as tough as it sounds. Try it. Even simple ex-flag wavers for the railroad have played and won.
Win instant national, regional and international recognition. Take part in the most popular game in Bolehland…Here’s My Foot In My Mouth Suggestion of the Month Game. It’s an easy game to play but hard to win and the odds are low. Well, unless you can come up with better ones than these past winners…
***Give awards to Muslim men who agree to take widowed or divorced women as 2nd or 3rd wives.
*** Women are responsible for crimes such as rape because they dress provocatively and bring trouble onto themselves. (Good one to put your money on because it is a perennial winner)
*** Wishing each other Merry Christmas, Happy Deepavalli (a Hindu festival) or Gong Xi Fa Cai will condemn you to an eternity in Hell.
Thrill Rides. Forget about Magic Mountain. Forget Disney World. Forget Bunjee Jumping. Come to Malaysia for the thrill rides of your life. What’s a triple or quadruple loops rollercoaster? Just get on a Malaysian highway for the thrills of your life. Guaranteed to give you more than just white knuckles. And you DO bet your life on it!
For a more relaxed gaming experience try You Want To See My Marriage Certificate? Sign up for a weekend retreat to one of Malaysia’s island resorts. Book into a 6-star hotel or better still go all the way and buy your own luxury condominium. Place bets on whether you will get visits from ‘authorities’ demanding to physically sight marriage certificates. You win if you convince the ‘house’ that you and your partner are a) married and can prove it. b) you are merely showing him/her your etchings and that there are a cat and 2 Indonesian maids and a Bangladeshi gardener in the same room at the time. Or c) you are a foreign investor testing out Malaysia’s human resources.
Come to Malaysia for the best laughs. Forget Leno, Letterman, Seinfeld. READ A MALAYSIAN NEWSPAPER! Or better still come during parliamentary season and watch some comedy masters at work for free. For seating and show times visit the Malaysian parliamentary website
And the Biggest Game of All. Small bets. BIG winnings.
Try to identify a Malaysian without resorting to color, race or religion. Or visits to the National Zoo. Hurry. Hurry. Hurry. The bets are on.
Malaysia Truly Asia? Nah. Why should we be just truly Asia? I mean man we’re UNIQUE! I for one am not going to be shy about stealing a line from Singapore. They’re not unique. We are. Uniquely Malaysia. Better still… ONLY IN MALAYSIA! Okay la so it’s not original. But so true what. Where else la dei?
Okay, got some more leh…wait ah. I go and pour myself another drin…Eh? Empty already? Baarger! 200 Ringgit don’t buy much whiskey these days man. Shit!
Happy New Year.
(This article first appeared in a very slightly different form in the January 2007 issue of Off The Edge)
17 comments:
There is a stage show in there somewhere... ala Sondheim's ""Assasins"!
Have a grand one, my friend... at least try!
Cheers!
Expect more Sandiwara from our political clowns. Hei, maybe they might throw in some side shows but nothing beats the main event, the General Election...let the shows begin
Great posting! A great way to start New Year, and have a laugh at the things to be 'happy' about this 2007.
Oh, and Happy New Year to you!
hey patrick, happy new year!!!
anyways, spot on for the malaysian newspapers bit, i laughed my head off everytime i read them online, and it's a good place to see what a circus the malaysian political scene has become, hehe.
go bolehland!!!
Great post, Patrick -- if there's nothing we can do to change things, we may as well laugh, is what I always say. Laughing while Rome burns is still better than crying while Rome burns, IZZENIT?
Selamat Tahun Baru 2007 to you and your family and all your readers!
Happy new year Cheese, Nurul, drowmage.
Nurul, take care and get well soon. I haven't visited our Eye On Malaysia yet. Will do so one day when the madness has subsided.
lecram, happy new year. i agree there's at least a TV mini series in there too.
Eh Patrick, you're getting old la. You forgot the ever popular game show, "Whose Country Is It Anyway?" where you marry into a politically influential family and win points by running the country from behind the throne (whilst using your connections to make money on the side, of course). Bonus points if you can manage to snag a famous second wife whilst still in office and not get rapped on the knuckles!
Yo everyone, check this out:
http://news.bbc.co.uk/2/hi/asia-pacific/6228125.stm
You know, a lot of ppl actually think bolehland is very famous around the world. I guess they are right to a certain extend.
zewt fka remesis
Of course RM200 cannot buy you a lot of Glenfiddich or Chivas lah, but can buy an awful lot of Sahib and Axe Brand whiskey wat.
If you're in the Army, you would've been a great Sniper. Ka-pow! Bulleyes on every hit, but again at Bolehland, we can hit anything blind folded without being off the mark. Happy New Year again, Pat.
It's just beginning of the new year and already you're so 'vocal'. lol
Patrick, I can bet my money there'll be much more to come the following months. Definitely more niamahs.
I've always liked the "Guess How Much the Mamak Restaurant Guy Overcharged You Today" game myself. Or even the "Will You/Won't You Get Diarrhea" game in said Mamak restaurant, but that probably involves more stamina than most are willing to put into.
I agree with you 110% afig. Islam as a religion is perfect, like all other religions. It's how it is used and manipulated that screws people up.
monsterball, hmmm...i remember vaguely meeting someone smoking a cigar in that cafe outside the watch shop in Jaya Shopping Centre. But I can't get the face la. Any clues ah?
Helen, thank you so much. Flattery will get you...everywhere. LOL
mob 1900, a belated Happy New Year. Actually I was quite a good shot when I was active in the sport. Sadly, rising costs of bullets and aging muscles has put paid to that activity.
Eh daevyd I'll have you know that i don't drink Chivas or Black Label. Can't afford to. LOL. White Label still affordable la. And please don't knock Sahib and Axe Brand. With the right mix they're both quite enjoyable.
good one angry medic. Whose Country Is It Anyway should be an RTM1 game show la. Are you still in the country?
Afraid not, Patrick. Am back in the UK; good thing too, cos those newspaper headlines were very close to turning me into a patient at my local cardiac ward before I get anywhere close to becoming a doctor. Will be back in time for Malaysia's 50th birthday though--I hope the mood among Malaysians gets better by then.
I also hear you have a new radio show! Am looking forward to hearing it. Sometimes I wonder how you avoid being assassinated.
How much for your children? They are very cute.
I just love looking at Laura and Adam....happy new near and gong xi fa cai to you and your family...
Adam's gorgeous ;)Btw, good one bout the "...etchings and that there are a cat and 2 Indonesian maids and a Bangladeshi gardener in the same room at the time."
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