(Adam and Laura wishing you a Happy New Year!)
Well, here goes…Happy New Year everybody. For the past few days I have been debating with myself if I will use the standard greeting for the start to 2007 and been tempted to drag out the lame old joke… “So what’s so happy about it?” But good manners dictate that I should not do that to otherwise more optimistic fellow-Malaysians. Personally I am not so ‘happy’ about the coming of the new year la. Because ah…think about it…what’s been happening in the last year that would qualify this as being a start to a ‘happy’ year? Nothing much, right? I mean rising prices don’t make me happy. Racial polarisation doesn’t make me happy. Political hams (and I don’t mean this in a haram sort of way, thank you) who play to the galleries with sharp-edged props and who are then allowed to continue to head our nation’s education system, positively make me very UN-happy. You?
But you know, as I sat watching the fireworks exploding in the surrounds of the distant Twin Towers and drank more haram stupor inducing alcohol I began to think that maybe things won’t be so bad in 2007.
Well, for one thing I think the Visit Malaysia Year 2007 campaign is going to be an overwhelmingly success. Forget about just being Truly Asia. We are UNIQUE man! There’s no other place on earth where you can find what you can discover and enjoy in Malaysia man!
Forget Las Vegas. Forget Monte Carlo. Forget about Singapore in 2010. Come to Malaysia in 2007 for the most exciting games of chance ever invented.
Your body, my body. The latest hit (pardon the pun) game for all the family. Kill yourself or get a friend to do it for you. Lay bets on who’s going to get your mortal remains. It could be a short game or a long drawn out one involving months of court action and possibly millions in winnings for either party.
Forget Blackjack. Forget Baccarrat. Play Illegal Mansions. Instead of chips, buy a piece of land in the world’s newest ‘developed state’ (side bets taken on your ability to decipher just what the fuck that means) build your dream castle without bothering with such trivial details as planning permission. See how long you can play before your mansion is demolished. If you escape demolition you win!!! It’s not as tough as it sounds. Try it. Even simple ex-flag wavers for the railroad have played and won.
Win instant national, regional and international recognition. Take part in the most popular game in Bolehland…Here’s My Foot In My Mouth Suggestion of the Month Game. It’s an easy game to play but hard to win and the odds are low. Well, unless you can come up with better ones than these past winners…
***Give awards to Muslim men who agree to take widowed or divorced women as 2nd or 3rd wives.
*** Women are responsible for crimes such as rape because they dress provocatively and bring trouble onto themselves. (Good one to put your money on because it is a perennial winner)
*** Wishing each other Merry Christmas, Happy Deepavalli (a Hindu festival) or Gong Xi Fa Cai will condemn you to an eternity in Hell.
Thrill Rides. Forget about Magic Mountain. Forget Disney World. Forget Bunjee Jumping. Come to Malaysia for the thrill rides of your life. What’s a triple or quadruple loops rollercoaster? Just get on a Malaysian highway for the thrills of your life. Guaranteed to give you more than just white knuckles. And you DO bet your life on it!
For a more relaxed gaming experience try You Want To See My Marriage Certificate? Sign up for a weekend retreat to one of Malaysia’s island resorts. Book into a 6-star hotel or better still go all the way and buy your own luxury condominium. Place bets on whether you will get visits from ‘authorities’ demanding to physically sight marriage certificates. You win if you convince the ‘house’ that you and your partner are a) married and can prove it. b) you are merely showing him/her your etchings and that there are a cat and 2 Indonesian maids and a Bangladeshi gardener in the same room at the time. Or c) you are a foreign investor testing out Malaysia’s human resources.
Come to Malaysia for the best laughs. Forget Leno, Letterman, Seinfeld. READ A MALAYSIAN NEWSPAPER! Or better still come during parliamentary season and watch some comedy masters at work for free. For seating and show times visit the Malaysian parliamentary website
And the Biggest Game of All. Small bets. BIG winnings.
Try to identify a Malaysian without resorting to color, race or religion. Or visits to the National Zoo. Hurry. Hurry. Hurry. The bets are on.
Malaysia Truly Asia? Nah. Why should we be just truly Asia? I mean man we’re UNIQUE! I for one am not going to be shy about stealing a line from Singapore. They’re not unique. We are. Uniquely Malaysia. Better still… ONLY IN MALAYSIA! Okay la so it’s not original. But so true what. Where else la dei?
Okay, got some more leh…wait ah. I go and pour myself another drin…Eh? Empty already? Baarger! 200 Ringgit don’t buy much whiskey these days man. Shit!
Happy New Year.
(This article first appeared in a very slightly different form in the January 2007 issue of Off The Edge)