Ha Ha Dai Siew (Barrel of Laughs)

(Adam - Wake me when this nightmare is over.)















I don’t usually buy two English language newspapers a day. I always figured it was a waste of money. But last Friday while waiting for my doctor’s appointment I did what I usually would not. And I didn’t regret it. There was so much to read in both papers that was so funny. So frighteningly funny.

The front page of The Star screamed, “OCPDs on course”. Initially, I thought that for once those boys in blue had done something right. No such luck. These flers were going to be sent on a human rights training seminar! Huh???!!!

That’s right. Apparently, in the light of what had happened in the last few months someone had thought it appropriate to use public funds on this ‘training’.

The story continued on page 4 and it detailed what this training was about.

The OCPD’s were going to attend talks on human rights declarations and Syariah Law.

They will be briefed about proper arrest procedures (such as how, why and when an arrest is made)

They will attend a lecture on proper search procedures and types of searches.

They will be taught better interpersonal and public relations skills.

At first glance you might say, “Eh! Good what.” But think about it. These people are OCPD’s which for the ill-informed among you stands for Officer- in-charge of Police District. These are fairly senior police officers. Leaders. Not your cap cai riding mata-mata you know. And if they are OCPD’s shouldn’t they have already been trained in all of the above before being let loose on poor unsuspecting (no pun intended) Malaysians?

Doesn’t it make you wonder what crap they are churning out of the Police academy? An OCPD has to attend training to know how, when and why to make an arrest?

There is a bit in the Star’s story that says that the course includes training on ethics, languages, leadership, forensics, and primary policing skills. What???!!! OCPD’s without or lacking in primary policing skills? What the fuck were they doing there in the first place?

Funny or not?

Then of course there is the story about those bald headed geriatrics that has the whole country talking. If you’ve been hibernating, these 11 fellas, mostly old baargers in their 60’s, 50’s and late 40’s were having a game of mahjong in their favorite kopitiam. It was Chinese New Year and a game of mahjong among friends is quite fun isn’t it? Enter the men in blue. They arrest all the alleged gamblers who claim they were just having a bit of Chinese New Year fun and were playing with chips and not cash. All the old guys get carted off to the lockup where they were stripped, albeit just to their underwear (what a sight that must have been. From Calvin Kleins to Ah Pek boxers for sure). And then they got their heads shaved bald. Why? Well, according to Kajang OCPD, Asst. Comm. Mohd. Noor Hakim (he should definitely go for the course mentioned above), he was just following the standard lock-up rule which stated that “hair must be cut short”. Really? Then how come all those arrested for drink driving, suspicion of drug abuse, those illegal Guest Relation Officers (GRO’s) etc. never had their hair cut? Was it just some bored mata-mata in Kajang who felt scissor-happy that day? And today it was reported that the Kajang OCPD fler said, “Under Section 9a of the Lock-Up rules, we can shave a detainee’s head bald, so we are just exercising whatever the law required us to do.” So the law requires it but they practise selective barbering issit? Boy! Those old geezers must have done something to piss off somebody in Kajang.

To top it off, somebody on the Net today wrote to say that something similar was done to a couple of Malaysians by the Singapore police some years ago. And he was chuffed that Malaysians, particularly the Opposition make any noise then. So what are you trying to say, buddy? That whatever shit happens here we are at least better off than...Ghana?

Then somebody in Subang Jaya operates an illegal disco that’s been raided more than 25 times. For all we know he’s still got a full head of hair. The funny bit about this story is that the Subang Jaya Council President said, “We have known about the activities of the outlet and on the advise of the police we sent out a notice to the outlet in 2004 asking the owners to close it down for flouting licensing and entertainment outlets regulations.”

Hello! Very funny la. Some old guys having a game of mahjong get thrown in jail and have their heads shaved while somebody who openly operates an illegal business gets a note in the mail???!!! Malaysia Boleh man!

(Today’s Star on page 3 showed a photo of the ‘billionaire’ who’s been grabbing headlines in recent weeks. He’s been in the lock-up, hasn’t he? Far as I can see he’s still got a full head of hair. Why? I know. He’s a foreigner and we’re always nicer to pelancung-pelancung to our truly Asian country, right?)

On page 15 of The Star is a story that could have been tragically hilarious. The police flers (their marine cousins this time) in Pangkor arrested some guys for using a condemned ferry to transport passengers during the holiday period. Hey guys, while you’re at it tell your city relatives to check on those ex-Mini Bas’s that are being used to ferry school children around. A coat of yellow paint does not make decrepit vehicles safe.

Hiyah! The reputation and public confidence in the boys in blue has really gone to the dogs. No, wait a minute. With due respect to canines we shall change that to “The reputation and public confidence in the boys in blue has really gone down the toilet.” Wait a few days. I’m sure it will be flushed down further. Xin Nien Quai Le (happy new year) guys.

The NST Friday had this scarily funny headline story. YOU MAY HAVE TO PAY. It seems that the Transport Ministry is proposing that car manufacturers and importers be required to pay RM100 for every vehicle sold. Of course, the car people are saying that they may have to pass on the cost to … you guessed it … the consumer.

Seems that this money is to go into a road safety fund called The Road Safety Trust. And that the money would be “used to conduct road safety campaigns.” If these campaigns are like what I’ve seen on TV the past few years and on those bad billboards with the typical government/Filem Negara look I am going to be pissed if I am asked to pay. Anyway, I digress. So just what is this Road Safety Trust and what exactly will it do that will convince us that the money will do some good? But…the Transport Minister in typical minister M.O. continued by saying that he “would make an announcement later.” What the !@#$%$^^%*(&*{)&(_!!! If you’re not going to give us details then why did you open your mouth in the first place? Your speech writer on Chinese New Year leave ah, Yang Berhormat? Nothing else to say ah? Then this YB goes on to say that this type of contribution schemes has been successful in many developed countries. Sure, that’s probably because they planned and tested everything before tokking kok and taking money from their citizens. Take some lessons from that before you choke on your own shoe leather, YB.

On page N10 of The Star, Saturday it was announced that the viaduct at MRR2 was to be closed for repair works. It was found to have cracks and would be closed for 3 to 4 months. The closure was to enable repair, waterproofing and reinforced steel strengthening works . This was announced by the Works Minister, Samy Vellu. This YB also said that the decision was made by none other than the Prime Minister. Okay. But what bothered me was that weeks ago the minister also said that the viaduct was perfectly safe for traffic. So why now? Why the sudden scramble to close it for repairs? And if was not safe why was it not closed for repairs when the discovery was made? Like millions of other Malaysians I can only shake my head in disbelief at this seemingly nonchalant approach to what could potentially have been a tragic catastrophe. Also I sigh a big sigh of relief that the damn thing didn’t collapse when I was driving on it.

Okay while all this grumbling was happening here my 20 year old refrigerator decided to give up the ghost. With all the Chinese New Year leftovers and stockpiled marketing in the freezer this is a crisis situation. So I shall leave you to mull over the daily comedy in our lives here in Bolehland while I go out to battle the traffic (avoiding the viaduct on the MRR2 of course) and make my way to an electrical goods retailer who will hopefully give me some very un-Malaysian service. Meaning GOOD service. Wish me luck.